When I'm down.. (Not for the squeamish)

[PugofCrydee]

I'm ready to d i e......

 

[PugofCrydee]

Struggling today for some reason.

It's sad knowing this site has died, it was good for a while. Even admins aren't active.

It's likely no one reads this, so I'm treating it as a journaling experience, which the 'experts' say can help.

I've been getting some work done on Jung's 'integrating your shadow'. It's tough though, having to look inside, going deep into the deep, dark dungeons of your own mind.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I'm still here.. deep inside..

 

[PugofCrydee]

Had a good, productive morning up until midday... then the black dog started following me again. He just came outta nowhere.

 

[PugofCrydee]

You're not here anymore.. I miss you.

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

Good morning to all you lonely souls.. good morning to the demons, the ghouls and monsters.

Good morning to the explorer, the scientist, the child, judge, jury and executioner.

Good morning to the giver, the lover, the protector, the kind hearted one, the self sacrificing selfless one... Still, you live...and push on in hope.


Good morning me.

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

 

[PugofCrydee]

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sunshine never comes, no
No, the sunshine never comes

God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter color on this gray

 

[Incognito]

Struggling today for some reason.

It's sad knowing this site has died, it was good for a while. Even admins aren't active.

It's likely no one reads this, so I'm treating it as a journaling experience, which the 'experts' say can help.

I've been getting some work done on Jung's 'integrating your shadow'. It's tough though, having to look inside, going deep into the deep, dark dungeons of your own mind.

Journaling is always good. Keep it up!

 

[PugofCrydee]

I'm preparing myself mentally.. I'm going to throw myself to the wolves in a way.

I've been in a safe and secure job for the past 5 or so years. I've worked hard at being able to accept myself and have made ground. Some would say good ground. During those 5 years, I've been able to not only manage and keep the job, but actually become quite good at it.
But.. I have been feeling stale for a while. I want more out of life. And wanting more ultimately means earning more, so I can do more.

I've been working up to taking the next step for the last few months. To be honest, it scares the hell outta me. A close friend tells me 'you could do that job with your eyes closed!'.. but my fear and anxiety tells me ' What if you make mistakes? What happens when you realize people are judging you? What if you fail? And how will you live with yourself when you do fail'..

The good thing about Jungian philosophy is it's taken me into the dark places within my mind and introduced me to the monsters within. Only, I now understand they aren't monsters. They are the sides of me that have been hurt, shamed, repressed.. I grew up believing they must be hidden away because they are dangerous, menacing and evil. I acknowledge they have some dangerous qualities.

But they are far from evil.

I've stood face to face with the absolute worst of myself and looked into it, eye to eye. I did not shy away. Its been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I not only understand sides of me better now, I am learning to harness their strengths. I almost feel as if those sides of me have been unfairly treated and locked away in deep, dark places. No wonder they grew resentful. You probably would too if the same happened to you.

When I think about pushing myself forward into a new job and anxiety, fear and self judgement start to voice their opinions.. they start telling me 'Don't do it! Stay where it's safe, warm and familiar, stay here forever'.. I allow some of the "monsters" to speak up. What they say is empowering, liberating and gives me optimism and strength. Through harnessing their strengths, they say 'Go back to your safe and warm security blanket. To your familiar and boring room. Wallow in your self pity and your weakness. You're not in charge anymore. We crave adventure, excitement, knowledge and seek to extend our boundaries through strength of will. Fear can come with us though, for without fear we cannot be courageous and brave. Fear is our little brother, it's normal for him to be here. But we will keep you safe. We will show you how to live'.

So I won't be 'throwing' myself to the wolves going forward because I know I have better tools at my disposal to deal with them.
I'll be coming at them at ramming speed!

 

[Incognito]

I'm preparing myself mentally.. I'm going to throw myself to the wolves in a way.

I've been in a safe and secure job for the past 5 or so years. I've worked hard at being able to accept myself and have made ground. Some would say good ground. During those 5 years, I've been able to not only manage and keep the job, but actually become quite good at it.
But.. I have been feeling stale for a while. I want more out of life. And wanting more ultimately means earning more, so I can do more.

I've been working up to taking the next step for the last few months. To be honest, it scares the hell outta me. A close friend tells me 'you could do that job with your eyes closed!'.. but my fear and anxiety tells me ' What if you make mistakes? What happens when you realize people are judging you? What if you fail? And how will you live with yourself when you do fail'..

The good thing about Jungian philosophy is it's taken me into the dark places within my mind and introduced me to the monsters within. Only, I now understand they aren't monsters. They are the sides of me that have been hurt, shamed, repressed.. I grew up believing they must be hidden away because they are dangerous, menacing and evil. I acknowledge they have some dangerous qualities.

But they are far from evil.

I've stood face to face with the absolute worst of myself and looked into it, eye to eye. I did not shy away. Its been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I not only understand sides of me better now, I am learning to harness their strengths. I almost feel as if those sides of me have been unfairly treated and locked away in deep, dark places. No wonder they grew resentful. You probably would too if the same happened to you.

When I think about pushing myself forward into a new job and anxiety, fear and self judgement start to voice their opinions.. they start telling me 'Don't do it! Stay where it's safe, warm and familiar, stay here forever'.. I allow some of the "monsters" to speak up. What they say is empowering, liberating and gives me optimism and strength. Through harnessing their strengths, they say 'Go back to your safe and warm security blanket. To your familiar and boring room. Wallow in your self pity and your weakness. You're not in charge anymore. We crave adventure, excitement, knowledge and seek to extend our boundaries through strength of will. Fear can come with us though, for without fear we cannot be courageous and brave. Fear is our little brother, it's normal for him to be here. But we will keep you safe. We will show you how to live'.

So I won't be 'throwing' myself to the wolves going forward because I know I have better tools at my disposal to deal with them.
I'll be coming at them at ramming speed!

There's also nothing bad about those feelings. Feeling nervous about risk taking is a normal reaction for someone who isn't totally reckless. I think realizing they aren't monsters like you said is the best way to handle them

 

[PugofCrydee]

There's also nothing bad about those feelings. Feeling nervous about risk taking is a normal reaction for someone who isn't totally reckless. I think realizing they aren't monsters like you said is the best way to handle them

Totally agree.

It's part of the human experience. Repressing parts of ourselves growing up can lead to real problems. Of course not all behaviors are acceptable at any time we experience them but in repression, we fail to get an understanding of them. Then as adults they manifest as behaviors.. quite often problematic ones.

 

[Incognito]

Totally agree.

It's part of the human experience. Repressing parts of ourselves growing up can lead to real problems. Of course not all behaviors are acceptable at any time we experience them but in repression, we fail to get an understanding of them. Then as adults they manifest as behaviors.. quite often problematic ones.

Lol now I'm wondering what I'm repressing.