forksandspoons
Well-known member
I stumbled across this website and was delighted. I am a 20 year old male. I don't know anybody who has had SA in real life, and I often feel alone and hopeless because nobody understands.
My SA derives from severe post inflammatory hyperpigmentation (PIH). Im sure many of you have no clue what that is. Imagine somebody took a razor and cut HUNDREDS of tiny, yet very bright and dark red marks all over your face.
It is not easy getting by with that in a shallow judgmental society. I literally can not live a normal life as a direct result. People would see me and think "WHAT THE **** IS ALL OVER YOUR FACE!?!?!" Trouble is, the red marks never went away. I was dealing with it and pretending like nothing was wrong for 5 years even though I was constantly miserable, depressed, and in constant anxiety.
At the beginning of 2010, something broke inside of me. I lost all desire for human contact outside of my immediate family as it is just too painful for me. I go to college and live in a house with 3 friends. I removed myself from them. I spend all day in my room alone with the lights out. I hate it, I dont want to live like this. I would prefer to be happy and social, but Ive just lost it. My friends dont't understand. They think Im just being "emo" and I need to get over it.
The following I do not recommend to anyone. I do so because I am weak. After months of isolating myself, I got sick of the constant misery, and depression, so I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol. I never did these things before. I started with cigarettes to ease my nerves, but I didn't like them and I quit. I moved to alcohol, but I don't really like drinking it, or even being drunk. So I took it to another level. Weed. I smoke it to calm my nerves whenever I feel like crap, and it just takes away the pain.
After the high ends though, I just feel worthless, and guilty. Im not a bad person. I don't believe in the use of drugs and I want to quit, but I am psychologically addicted.
I have been dealing with my SA for about 11 months now and it hasn't gotten any better. I believe that the root of my problem is the PIH, and my new years resolution 2010 was to get professional help for my PIH. Unfortunately, that has cost my parents a few thousand dollars over the course of multiple surgerys, and Im still not done. I have improved a lot, but I still have a long way to go.
I lay in bed all night thinking. It takes me a good 4 hours of laying down to fall asleep. When I wake up, I just pound the snooze alarm because I dont want to start my day. When I go out in public I think I get panic attacks, though I am not sure. I get nervous, dizzy, things get hazy, and I start to shiver. I feel like I am dieing and it usually ends with me crying of vomiting. After that the emptiness sinks in. I lay there and feel nothing which is much worse than misery or depression. I do things to make me feel like a POS like picking fights with friends because I want to feel something. Id prefer to be happy, but bad feelings are better than no feelings.
I am glad I found this site to share, and to know that I am not alone.
My SA derives from severe post inflammatory hyperpigmentation (PIH). Im sure many of you have no clue what that is. Imagine somebody took a razor and cut HUNDREDS of tiny, yet very bright and dark red marks all over your face.
It is not easy getting by with that in a shallow judgmental society. I literally can not live a normal life as a direct result. People would see me and think "WHAT THE **** IS ALL OVER YOUR FACE!?!?!" Trouble is, the red marks never went away. I was dealing with it and pretending like nothing was wrong for 5 years even though I was constantly miserable, depressed, and in constant anxiety.
At the beginning of 2010, something broke inside of me. I lost all desire for human contact outside of my immediate family as it is just too painful for me. I go to college and live in a house with 3 friends. I removed myself from them. I spend all day in my room alone with the lights out. I hate it, I dont want to live like this. I would prefer to be happy and social, but Ive just lost it. My friends dont't understand. They think Im just being "emo" and I need to get over it.
The following I do not recommend to anyone. I do so because I am weak. After months of isolating myself, I got sick of the constant misery, and depression, so I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol. I never did these things before. I started with cigarettes to ease my nerves, but I didn't like them and I quit. I moved to alcohol, but I don't really like drinking it, or even being drunk. So I took it to another level. Weed. I smoke it to calm my nerves whenever I feel like crap, and it just takes away the pain.
After the high ends though, I just feel worthless, and guilty. Im not a bad person. I don't believe in the use of drugs and I want to quit, but I am psychologically addicted.
I have been dealing with my SA for about 11 months now and it hasn't gotten any better. I believe that the root of my problem is the PIH, and my new years resolution 2010 was to get professional help for my PIH. Unfortunately, that has cost my parents a few thousand dollars over the course of multiple surgerys, and Im still not done. I have improved a lot, but I still have a long way to go.
I lay in bed all night thinking. It takes me a good 4 hours of laying down to fall asleep. When I wake up, I just pound the snooze alarm because I dont want to start my day. When I go out in public I think I get panic attacks, though I am not sure. I get nervous, dizzy, things get hazy, and I start to shiver. I feel like I am dieing and it usually ends with me crying of vomiting. After that the emptiness sinks in. I lay there and feel nothing which is much worse than misery or depression. I do things to make me feel like a POS like picking fights with friends because I want to feel something. Id prefer to be happy, but bad feelings are better than no feelings.
I am glad I found this site to share, and to know that I am not alone.
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I hope you find some support here that helps you to not feel so alone.
