What should I do?

[Gliese876]

I didn't finish high school because I wasn't planning to live long, so I abused a lot of drugs. I've been admitted to a hospital when I was 14 after an iron supplement overdose, and I constantly go in and out of different moods and behavior changes. My doctor said I most likely have bipolar disorder and he put me on Seroquel, but I'm reluctant to take it because it causes weight gain. I took it for 3 days and I'm already bloated so I stopped.

I've been home bound for years now, and was in an abusive ridiculous relationship for 2 years, so I've cut down on a lot of friends. Now I hardly have any friends left, just two or three that I converse with through the internet.

I am planning to complete my diploma, but I have absolutely NO social skills. Its terrifying, whenever I'm speaking to someone else in person, I'm not articulate, my chest gets heavy and hot, my heart starts to race, and I sweat so much. Even through the internet on instant messaging this happens when I'm having a discussion, so I can imagine how much worse it would be in the real world.

I've never really had a job, I did some temporary administrative work in an office, but I didn't speak to anyone except my co-workers. I can't deal with customers, I tried to work in a fast food coffee place, and it was too overwhelming I only went for 1 day.

Whenever I speak, my tone is blank, my words stutters a little and I seem to mutter, because people always ask me to repeat what I say. Then I get frustrated and discouraged.

When I study, I'm not disciplined. I know I can complete school if I calm down, I'm so impulsive. Whenever I attempted to in the past, I would do well for the first few months, and then quit. I went back a few times, and quit. The school I'm going to is tolerant of this so I can go back whenever I'm ready. If I do finish school, what then? I can't even speak properly!

I loathe being outside in society. Whenever I go to the mall, I start crying and put on my shades and run outside.

 

[chained]

does ur therapist know u have SA? and if he doens't u should tell him...and then whatever meds u egt (for SA, bipolar) do use, and ask for a second opinion, cuz I'd be a wreck without my meds.. u can exercise to not get fat.. and the only reason ur getting fat is because ur more hungru.. but if u make a list of how many calories u should use a day at ur height and current weight( google it) eat like that... BUT U MUST USE MEDS!!!!!!!! oterwise u can't get out of that hell whole.. cuz when u use meds u won't be cured.. but u will feel better and it will allow u to start therapy such as CBT... good luck!

 

[Richey]

regarding the homework aspect i know what you mean about quitting, if i can't solve a problem within half an hour i just walk away instead of seeing it as a fun science experiment where i could be learning from all the results that occur, if the result isnt what i planned i shouldnt just give up but for some reason i become negative and i start to tell myself that i'm too dumb for all of this. so i just delay and delay going back to that problem, sometimes i'll take days before i go back to tackle the homework.

i can relate to everything you said. i think its what im telling myself sub consciously that is literally ruining my life. its a defeatist mindset that is the problem.

i was watching my teacher help me out last week, he was a little lost but he kept trying all of these different methods to approach solving a problem. he never gave up and tried more then fifteen times until making steps forward.

its really interesting.

for me i tend to apply for the easiest to acquire jobs. like factory and kitchen jobs. certain jobs ask for two years experience and i dont even bother applying for those because of the prerequisites. i'd love to try an admin job for once, i have the skills for it but i seem to become content with these go nowhere part time jobs while i study. it helps for the money but i dont enjoy it because its high pressure. a calmer job is what i'd prefer.

i never turned to drugs but i think after high school i sort of gave up. the adult world and all its expectations and responsibilites seems so mammoth for me. in saying that it could all change, i know if i woke up tommorrow and was offered an amazing dream job and then i could go and buy my own flat and i gained some momentum in my own self confidence that it could all change for the better. but at the moment i feel like im struggling in every aspect of my life. in my diploma i'm struggling and at the same time i'm studying alot and it feels like i may fail a subject which means id have to re-enroll next year and that throws everything out again. socially i feel intimidated by the presence of other more confident people. and when certain authority type figures arnt around i become more relaxed and open up more. so it seems that the outside world affects my personality more so then me. its like im a people pleaser or something. depending on the people i'm around i'll change to suit the conversation rather then just me being myself, so thats why im not confortable around groups in a conversation either. its really strange but im not very comfortable in my skin. my sister said to me the other day perhaps i should drink more because it helped her from being tense all the time in certain situations. and you know what i've resisted the temptation for years. i rarely drink but im at the stage where i just dont care anymore. if i can control it i think it might be a way to bring my true personality out. i remember when i was at the hospital early this year for my arm and i was under an anaesthetic. i woke up and felt incredible, i was talking to everyone in the hospital waiting room afterwards because the effect of the drug was still apparent. i was laughing and joking, i could see everyone smiling at me and interacting and my self consciosness was non-existant. why cant i have that normally? some people are like that normally, so why not me? and how do i get to that level? i just need something to help me start.

 

[Enialis227]

My doctor said I most likely have bipolar disorder and he put me on Seroquel, but I'm reluctant to take it because it causes weight gain. I took it for 3 days and I'm already bloated so I stopped.

I would reconsider not taking Seroquel. It is perfect for someone who is bi-polar and has social phobia, because on top of being a mood stabilizer, it has anti-anxiety properties as well.
I take it, and the weight gain thing didn't last very long, and it is one of the most effective drugs that I have ever seen.

 

[BlueDays]

Think of the relief from your problems as being at the top of a staircase, and taking your meds and letting your body get used to them is stepping up the first few stairs.
It is difficult to step up onto the forth step from the ground.

 

[sabbath]

I am planning to complete my diploma, but I have absolutely NO social skills.

Seems to me you have really good writing skills. Have you tried Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)? ACT might help you deal with moods and thoughts. I think social skills are a myth. You seem like a nice person and that to me is more valuable than "the gift of gab".

 

[Gliese876]

regarding the homework aspect i know what you mean about quitting, if i can't solve a problem within half an hour i just walk away instead of seeing it as a fun science experiment where i could be learning from all the results that occur, if the result isnt what i planned i shouldnt just give up but for some reason i become negative and i start to tell myself that i'm too dumb for all of this. so i just delay and delay going back to that problem, sometimes i'll take days before i go back to tackle the homework.

i can relate to everything you said. i think its what im telling myself sub consciously that is literally ruining my life. its a defeatist mindset that is the problem.

i was watching my teacher help me out last week, he was a little lost but he kept trying all of these different methods to approach solving a problem. he never gave up and tried more then fifteen times until making steps forward.

its really interesting....

You and I share a lot in common, but don't consider self medicating. It will create more negatives than positives. If you end up drinking excessively and embarrass yourself, imagine how much worse you will feel about yourself, it will just stab at your self confidence further. Drugs are addicting, and they're loaded with side effects.

I know it's all inside my head. I know I'm worse than I was before because I'm actually nervous about speaking to a school counsellor tomorrow, its just one person! The nature of the conversation won't even be inquisitive, it's just harmless planning. Sometimes I freeze, my mind goes blank, and I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of coming back after so many attempts, and having to explain my condition, I just don't know how to organize my sentence when I'm verbal, I feel disabled in that aspect. True, at this school the teachers are always eager to spend individual time, it's mostly online so I don't actually have to attend a class, I took an English class last year and aced that course, so I have 4 more to do...

I know whenever I read job descriptions I get so discouraged. My mother gave the admin work because she's the manager of her bank department, and they needed some extra help. I probably wouldn't acquire those jobs on my own lol...I'm really computer savvy so it was easy, and all of her co-workers said I did an excellent job and completed tasks in minimal time. However, employers don't really care about that particular work I did because I didn't deal with customers or engage in any team work...

I'm terrified of conversing with authoritative and confident people. I can't remember the last time I was in that situation, but if I were today I would remain quiet and smile and nod. I'm very opinionated and I'm so insecure about my personal views so I tend to keep them to myself, they aren't negative or anything. I just feel I don't have any credibility to be discussing these issues, my mother makes me feel inferior because I don't have a job or attend school, so it's been etched in my mind that anything I say doesn't matter because I don't contribute to society. She knows my condition, it comes from my dad. My dad has unstable mood disorders, and my older sister suffers from panic attacks and also mood disorders. I'm the only one in the family that's like a hermit, my dad is too but he does possess confidence to converse with anyone.

True in regard to society affecting behaviour, whenever I'm at home speaking to someone I'm comfortable with even on msn, I'm content and wrapped up in my own little world with my hobbies. Whenever I go out, even to the mall, I can't imagine how girls can be so bubbly and confident. I'm not comfortable in my own skin either, and I'm scared of growing up and facing responsibilities. I wish I could go to college or university, and drive a car (I don't have a licence and suffered from a driving phobia, I haven't driven that much), and have a job and go out for lunch and dinner with friends. I don't even enjoy that lifestyle, it's really not natural, but unfortunately I've been brought up this way, and I wouldn't know how I would attempt to live a quiet secluded life. I wish humanity wasn't so artificial, and money driven. It seems like money is the only element that gives meaning in people's lives...well at least in my age group, 21 btw.

I would reconsider not taking Seroquel. It is perfect for someone who is bi-polar and has social phobia, because on top of being a mood stabilizer, it has anti-anxiety properties as well.
I take it, and the weight gain thing didn't last very long, and it is one of the most effective drugs that I have ever seen.

I'll try. I don't get any exercise at all and I don't have any money to buy new clothes if I get bigger. If I do consider seriously taking it, I'll have to go on some kind of a diet. Weight gain is a major issue for me, I used to be bulimic.

Seems to me you have really good writing skills. Have you tried Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)? ACT might help you deal with moods and thoughts. I think social skills are a myth. You seem like a nice person and that to me is more valuable than "the gift of gab".

No, is it a book? I'm just extremely insecure, and for some reason I see annoyance and a hint of pity in people's eyes when I speak. I feel really low when I'm speaking to anyone else, even little kids.