I theorized not long ago that our self-worth is based on what others think of us. Afterwards I realized this was mistaken, and that what we think of ourselves is what's really important. I would like to explain what I mean by this.
No one, not even Social Phobes, actually bases their self worth on the opinions of others. We all have an internal meter that measures our value against principles we hold for ourselves. When we meet these ideals, we feel we are fanastatic people, but failing this, our self-esteem is crushed. The thing is, we believe we are defective because we do not meet our own ideals of how we OUGHT to be. In a twisted process, we obsessively manufacture evidence and beliefs which reinforce the idea that we are critically defective in some way(s).
Other people scare us because they appear to confirm our worst fear that we are worthless. Their opinions do not form our self-esteem, their opinions VALIDATE our self-affirmations / self-deprications. We use others as a means to validate our existing opinions, because we do not trust ourselves. Every single one of us believes that our self-image is not honest unless it is reflected by others. This pathology, which I will call the social-mirror complex, is one which normal people do not suffer from. They are much more likely to believe that others are missing their "true selves", or misunderstanding them, rather than to take negative reactions as divine truth.
So, what is your SELF WORTH actually based on? Here's mine, so far...
1. Being generally competent (e.g. socially, with women, in school, at work, etc).
2. Being good-looking, physically fit, and able to dress well.
3. Being talented or skilled (i.e., able to sing, draw, skate, etc)
4. Being honest, principled, and moral.
5. Being intelligent, knowledgeable and articulate.
If I think of more ideals I will add them. As you can see, I have several ideals which to some extent depend on my interactions with others. However, these ideals are still internal to myself, and the opinions of others are not (theoretically) required to validate them. For example, I knew a guy in college who dressed very well, but was not concerned with others attitudes about his style. What mattered was that HE BELIEVED he dressed well. The same can be said for many of those other ideals. For example, my ideal that I should be socially competent does not depend on what others think, it depends on what I think. If I attribute my social incompetence to my phobia, my ideal is upheld. However, because of my belief that others must validate my self-image, I require their agreement to believe that my underlying social ability is not defective.
I hope this example is helpfull in discovering what your self-worth is really based on. I would like to hear about it.
No one, not even Social Phobes, actually bases their self worth on the opinions of others. We all have an internal meter that measures our value against principles we hold for ourselves. When we meet these ideals, we feel we are fanastatic people, but failing this, our self-esteem is crushed. The thing is, we believe we are defective because we do not meet our own ideals of how we OUGHT to be. In a twisted process, we obsessively manufacture evidence and beliefs which reinforce the idea that we are critically defective in some way(s).
Other people scare us because they appear to confirm our worst fear that we are worthless. Their opinions do not form our self-esteem, their opinions VALIDATE our self-affirmations / self-deprications. We use others as a means to validate our existing opinions, because we do not trust ourselves. Every single one of us believes that our self-image is not honest unless it is reflected by others. This pathology, which I will call the social-mirror complex, is one which normal people do not suffer from. They are much more likely to believe that others are missing their "true selves", or misunderstanding them, rather than to take negative reactions as divine truth.
So, what is your SELF WORTH actually based on? Here's mine, so far...
1. Being generally competent (e.g. socially, with women, in school, at work, etc).
2. Being good-looking, physically fit, and able to dress well.
3. Being talented or skilled (i.e., able to sing, draw, skate, etc)
4. Being honest, principled, and moral.
5. Being intelligent, knowledgeable and articulate.
If I think of more ideals I will add them. As you can see, I have several ideals which to some extent depend on my interactions with others. However, these ideals are still internal to myself, and the opinions of others are not (theoretically) required to validate them. For example, I knew a guy in college who dressed very well, but was not concerned with others attitudes about his style. What mattered was that HE BELIEVED he dressed well. The same can be said for many of those other ideals. For example, my ideal that I should be socially competent does not depend on what others think, it depends on what I think. If I attribute my social incompetence to my phobia, my ideal is upheld. However, because of my belief that others must validate my self-image, I require their agreement to believe that my underlying social ability is not defective.
I hope this example is helpfull in discovering what your self-worth is really based on. I would like to hear about it.
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