What is wrong with me...

[liebe]

I spent all of last week on a trip to Florida with a friend of mine. We'd had these plans for a couple of months. Of course, I agreed to it then with no problem from my social anxiety because it was still months away... but as time neared, the more that I wanted to back out of it. But for once- I didn't. There were all of these plans that we had that hinted at us having a good time. And I wasn't going to stand in the way of having a good time with one of my closest friends.

The drive there wasn't all that bad-- but as soon as we got there, and she met with her other friends... it seemed that things just went right downhill until it snowballed into the worst week of my life. I was completely ignored. Completely. Our time together included her making talk with her other friends or taking phone calls from the guy that she was seeing -- gushing about their love for each other, right in front of me (after I told her that it was hard for me to hear it because of personal problems within my own relationship). And I watched her daughter numerous times while her and her soon to be ex were off confessing their feelings to each other; kissing and doing whatever else they were doing.

I was ready for the week to be over at this point... thinking that it couldn't get much more awkward for me. But, of course... I was wrong...

The day before we were to leave, we went out for dinner and we went with a friend of theirs and his mother was there.
His mother was a very judgmental person and all of us agreed on that.
Their friend made a comment that I was very quiet and that I needed to become "unquiet".. I knew that his comment was harmless and he didn't mean anything by it.. but with my social anxiety, that is the worst possible thing that someone could say to me. I didn't want to be rude or make anyone else's night suck, but I kind of just laughed it off and started tearing up a bit. Tried to think of something else to think about.

A few minutes pass and we have gotten our food at this point... he makes another comment, as if the first one was enough. You'd think that if someone didn't open up more after the first comment that you'd just keep your opinions to yourself.. but no... this time he says "You have spoken more to the waitress than to anyone at this table."

I tell him that it is because of my anxiety and that if he doesn't understand it, he should just keep his opinions to himself. He says "what does that have to do with anything? i have depression and I am the most talkative person here" ..to which I respond, "I have social anxiety. & Obviously you dont understand it."

I start bawling at that point... the tears pour down and I try to look away. I am on my first slice of pizza and struggle to finish it. I keep dabbing my face with a napkin in hopes no one notices I am crying. My face is bright red, my anxiety is through the roof... I am having trouble breathing. I look around for the bathroom... finally, my friend notices I am upset and asks if I wanna go outside. We do. We talk for a couple of minutes about how upset I was, she hugs me... then she immediately diverts topic to her indecisiveness about what guy she wants to stay with. After a while of chatting about that...we go back in.

That still wasn't enough. He proceeds to make me feel worse by asking me why I am not smiling and makes fun of the way that I am taking slow bites of my pizza and frowning. I just keep crying the rest of the dinner til they leave and I kept on the way to the hotel and still am now.

My friend and her husband left me as soon as we got back to the hotel to go do some more storage stuff and talk about their situation and I watched their daughter. Without so much of an asking if I was alright or making sure that I didn't need anything. And I swear if I weren't watching their daughter, I may have ended up doing something very drastic that night.

I feel like the most pathetic, incompetent, unworthy, dumbest excuse of life. WTF is wrong with me. Why can't I be like everyone else? I just feel like I put myself out there just to be reminded of why I shouldn't....My anxiety has hit an all time high in the ten years that I have suffered from it and I just do not know how to cope with it any more.

 

[Lacombe]

Hey, listen, please don't be so hard on yourself. You achieved more in that time away than most with this condition can. Feel proud of yourself. I feel for you, I really do. I can relate and I'm amazed that you managed as much as you did. People just don't understand. It's not their fault, they just cant get their head around it.

Do you really want to be like everyone else? A lot of the most passionate, interesting, talented, soulful and intelligent people I've come across in my life have had some form of social anxiety, general anxiety, depression etc. You are far from pathetic. Imagine if one of your friends had a phobia of snakes. What you achieved is the equivalent of that person spending the weekend in a snake infested jungle. You done great. Sure you fell short of your hopes and expectations but that's going to take time. You put some great work in. Accept that most people will never understand and wont give you the understanding, empathy, encouragement and patience that you deserve. Feel good about yourself and the progress you're making. You might never quite reach the heights that you set out for but you're trying and things will improve. I promise. You're a strong person. Well done.

 

[jaim38]

I experience a similar situation a while back when someone took me on an interstate trip. The car ride was fun but when we got there, I was ignored while everyone was socializing with each other. I felt like I didn't belong at all, like I was brought along to be seat filler. I should have never gone on the trip at all.

There's nothing wrong with you. That guy should have been more understanding though. I'm not sure if he's jesting with you or putting you down.

 

[Steelsoul]

As Lacombe says, you have done a great job putting yourself in society. Some of us can't do this. That's why their issue become worse.

You have to know that people who are like him are everywhere. They are mean to us just because they don't understand. And you can't stay in your house all the time. You should go out and face more situations like this, even if it causes depression and anxiety.

I know it's easier said than done, but we all have to do it to overcome our problem. And you have taken one step ahead. Congrats!

 

[1139]

Oh god im sorry to hear that and I feel sorry you experienced that. This brings back similar memories for me but nothing like that. That must of made you feel so awful and im sure you still do. Quite frankly that guy bullying you probably deserved to be told off or get a clip around the ears to be honest. This is why I refuse to go to social dinners with strangers, its just too much for me. I cant even really handle dinners with people I know. Social anxiety is a horrible disease..

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, that sounds like one crappy weekend. How on earth did you manage to hide tears right in front of people? That's a skill right there.

Your life is not defined by one awful week in Florida. You went anyway, and that's a great start. You were right about that guy not understanding social anxiety, and he must've thought it was funny to poke fun at you, despite your obvious distress.

Did anything good happen on the trip? You mentioned a lot of the bad.

 

[Diend]

I had an experience where i started sobbing because i was too anxious to attend a banquet. I didnt know anyone there so i actually went out and bought a sandwich. While i ate the sandwich i started to cry.