Rainbowstar
Active member
Hi everyone,
I would like to share with all of you, what I have learnt from my recovery from social anxiety. I am hoping this information will help all of you. You do not need to read the whole post, just the parts which apply most to you. The information below is based on what I learnt from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and from my experiences. Feel free to add your advice in this thread or another thread.
1. There will always be people who disapprove of you or your behaviours. This applies to everyone: All of us are unique. There is no one who is exactly the same as you. Each of us have our own combination of personality, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, knowledge, skills, values, attitudes etc. Because of inherent differences between people, there will always be times, when we people disapprove of you or think negatively of your behaviours. This is unavoidable. Even friends and family will have something they dislike about you. This also works in reverse. There are some people you approve of and others you disapprove of. We cannot appeal to everyone and there will be people who dislike us. Even the world's nicest and kindest people will have people who disapprove of them (e.g. some people prefer other types of personalities). A realistically healthy way of thinking is that we will appeal to some people and not others.
2. It does not matter what insignificant people think of you: In our lives, there are significant or insignificant people. Significant people would include family, friends and other people you consider significant. The rest are insignificant. What insignificant people think of you is unimportant and has no consequence on your life because it is very unlikely you will see them again or they will not appear much in your life. Hence, who cares what they think? It makes no difference if they thought negatively or positively about you? You are unlikely to see them again ever. If they thought you were jerk. So what? You will not see that person again and also they are insignificant to you. Let the insignificant people go about their daily life. An example would be a telemarketer being unethically persistent in trying to sell you something you do not want. You have said no but they insist. The telemarketer is insignificant to you, so, you can simply end the call. You might think that the telemarketer thinks you are rude for ending the call abruptly but it does not matter if he or she thinks you are rude. They are insignificant to you so really it does not matter what they think of you. Of course, we still need to considerate towards others.
3. Do not compare yourself with other people: It is unfair and inaccurate to compare yourself to other people because
- We have all been dealt a different hand in our lives genetically, psychologically, physically and in terms of our life experiences. It is unfair to make comparisons because we have been provided different things in lives. It is like comparing a giraffe which was given a long neck with a rhino which has horns. Both have been given different things, so we cannot make fair comparisons.
- You are better than other people at some things and they are better than you at other things: This applies to everyone. You might think a person who is school captain, dux of your year and captain of the basketball team is better than you in every way. Wrong! There are other things you would know the other person does not know. There are things you can do better than that person. There are things you have which the other person does not. The same works in reverse. That person will have things they are better than you at. This applies to everyone. There is no one person in the world who is better than everyone at every thing. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Hence, comparing is pointless. Also, keep in mind, that life is full of problems and that everyone has problems including people you consider superior to you. Do not assume that because you observe the other person appears to do doing well in life that their lives are perfect and better than yours. You do not have enough information to make that conclusion. Often our views of other people are based on what they tell us, and by nature, all of us will mainly talk about the positive aspects of our lives. Therefore, our views of others whom we consider better are somewhat inaccurate. We also jump to the conclusion that other people have better lives. We do not know this for certain with such limited information. Indeed, no one has flawless lives. We all have our worries, fears, problems, frustrations, weaknesses etc.
4. It is not a catastrophe if you stuff up a social interaction: If you do stuff up a social interaction (i.e. say the wrong thing, get stuck, embarrass yourself etc), it does not really matter. You can always fix up the mistake. Think about George Bush and the gaffes (i.e. Bushisms) he frequently made in public. Watch videos on youtube if you want to hear his funny mistakes. He survived these mistakes and sometimes, made fun of himself for these gaffes. If George Bush could cope with humiliation in front of millions of people (his gaffes were often made in public on television), then humiliation and embarrassment is not so bad. The same as applied to me. I have said the wrong things, embarrassed myself, got stuck when teaching a class etc and I coped. I am still alive. Another example is The Chaser comedians from Australia. They performed stunts where they embarrassed and exposed themselves and did stunts that were designied to gain disapproval from others. They were definitely not afraid of people's negative views of them and alot of people loved them for it. Whilst I do not recommend, you do what the Chaser team does and humiliate people, the Chaser are a good example that having people disapprove of you is not a catastrophe. When you make a mistake, make fun of yourself. People will admire you for that.
5. Prepare for social situations. This will make you more confident and less anxious: The more prepared you are for something, the less anxious you are because you are prepared. So, if there is a social event coming up and you are anxious, prepare for it. This will help. Prepare who you want to talk to, what would like to say, who you can talk to, who is attending, how long the social event is etc. The more information you have, the more prepared you will be. However, there is no need to overprepare though. You could even role play or simulate the event before hand. You can learn social skills and/or learn cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your thinking.
6. Social phobia is treatable: Cognitive Behavioural therapy, learning social skills and other strategies can all help cure social phobia. One main cause of social phobia are irrational beliefs (e.g. she thinks I am stupid). Cognitive Behavioural therapy teaches you challenge these beliefs (i.e. discover whether they are actually true). These beliefs are often wrong, and we start to think in healthier ways that enable us to enjoy the benefits of socialising with others. It is possible. Many people have done it. Read stories of those people who have conquered social phobia. There was a person who had severe social phobia and after treatment now has a girlfriend.
I recommend the following books. Indeed, there are also other books that will help you.
- Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.
- Any books that specifically talk about social phobia and treatment using cognitive behavioural therapy.
- The fine art of small talk by Debra Fine.
Best Wishes
I would like to share with all of you, what I have learnt from my recovery from social anxiety. I am hoping this information will help all of you. You do not need to read the whole post, just the parts which apply most to you. The information below is based on what I learnt from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and from my experiences. Feel free to add your advice in this thread or another thread.
1. There will always be people who disapprove of you or your behaviours. This applies to everyone: All of us are unique. There is no one who is exactly the same as you. Each of us have our own combination of personality, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, knowledge, skills, values, attitudes etc. Because of inherent differences between people, there will always be times, when we people disapprove of you or think negatively of your behaviours. This is unavoidable. Even friends and family will have something they dislike about you. This also works in reverse. There are some people you approve of and others you disapprove of. We cannot appeal to everyone and there will be people who dislike us. Even the world's nicest and kindest people will have people who disapprove of them (e.g. some people prefer other types of personalities). A realistically healthy way of thinking is that we will appeal to some people and not others.
2. It does not matter what insignificant people think of you: In our lives, there are significant or insignificant people. Significant people would include family, friends and other people you consider significant. The rest are insignificant. What insignificant people think of you is unimportant and has no consequence on your life because it is very unlikely you will see them again or they will not appear much in your life. Hence, who cares what they think? It makes no difference if they thought negatively or positively about you? You are unlikely to see them again ever. If they thought you were jerk. So what? You will not see that person again and also they are insignificant to you. Let the insignificant people go about their daily life. An example would be a telemarketer being unethically persistent in trying to sell you something you do not want. You have said no but they insist. The telemarketer is insignificant to you, so, you can simply end the call. You might think that the telemarketer thinks you are rude for ending the call abruptly but it does not matter if he or she thinks you are rude. They are insignificant to you so really it does not matter what they think of you. Of course, we still need to considerate towards others.
3. Do not compare yourself with other people: It is unfair and inaccurate to compare yourself to other people because
- We have all been dealt a different hand in our lives genetically, psychologically, physically and in terms of our life experiences. It is unfair to make comparisons because we have been provided different things in lives. It is like comparing a giraffe which was given a long neck with a rhino which has horns. Both have been given different things, so we cannot make fair comparisons.
- You are better than other people at some things and they are better than you at other things: This applies to everyone. You might think a person who is school captain, dux of your year and captain of the basketball team is better than you in every way. Wrong! There are other things you would know the other person does not know. There are things you can do better than that person. There are things you have which the other person does not. The same works in reverse. That person will have things they are better than you at. This applies to everyone. There is no one person in the world who is better than everyone at every thing. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Hence, comparing is pointless. Also, keep in mind, that life is full of problems and that everyone has problems including people you consider superior to you. Do not assume that because you observe the other person appears to do doing well in life that their lives are perfect and better than yours. You do not have enough information to make that conclusion. Often our views of other people are based on what they tell us, and by nature, all of us will mainly talk about the positive aspects of our lives. Therefore, our views of others whom we consider better are somewhat inaccurate. We also jump to the conclusion that other people have better lives. We do not know this for certain with such limited information. Indeed, no one has flawless lives. We all have our worries, fears, problems, frustrations, weaknesses etc.
4. It is not a catastrophe if you stuff up a social interaction: If you do stuff up a social interaction (i.e. say the wrong thing, get stuck, embarrass yourself etc), it does not really matter. You can always fix up the mistake. Think about George Bush and the gaffes (i.e. Bushisms) he frequently made in public. Watch videos on youtube if you want to hear his funny mistakes. He survived these mistakes and sometimes, made fun of himself for these gaffes. If George Bush could cope with humiliation in front of millions of people (his gaffes were often made in public on television), then humiliation and embarrassment is not so bad. The same as applied to me. I have said the wrong things, embarrassed myself, got stuck when teaching a class etc and I coped. I am still alive. Another example is The Chaser comedians from Australia. They performed stunts where they embarrassed and exposed themselves and did stunts that were designied to gain disapproval from others. They were definitely not afraid of people's negative views of them and alot of people loved them for it. Whilst I do not recommend, you do what the Chaser team does and humiliate people, the Chaser are a good example that having people disapprove of you is not a catastrophe. When you make a mistake, make fun of yourself. People will admire you for that.
5. Prepare for social situations. This will make you more confident and less anxious: The more prepared you are for something, the less anxious you are because you are prepared. So, if there is a social event coming up and you are anxious, prepare for it. This will help. Prepare who you want to talk to, what would like to say, who you can talk to, who is attending, how long the social event is etc. The more information you have, the more prepared you will be. However, there is no need to overprepare though. You could even role play or simulate the event before hand. You can learn social skills and/or learn cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your thinking.
6. Social phobia is treatable: Cognitive Behavioural therapy, learning social skills and other strategies can all help cure social phobia. One main cause of social phobia are irrational beliefs (e.g. she thinks I am stupid). Cognitive Behavioural therapy teaches you challenge these beliefs (i.e. discover whether they are actually true). These beliefs are often wrong, and we start to think in healthier ways that enable us to enjoy the benefits of socialising with others. It is possible. Many people have done it. Read stories of those people who have conquered social phobia. There was a person who had severe social phobia and after treatment now has a girlfriend.
I recommend the following books. Indeed, there are also other books that will help you.
- Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.
- Any books that specifically talk about social phobia and treatment using cognitive behavioural therapy.
- The fine art of small talk by Debra Fine.
Best Wishes
