I don't do anything anymore...
In fact, the last productive thing i did was the job i left when all of this was starting to happen. I worked an In-HoMe program teaching/coaching language and motor skills to autistic toddlers..... It was an early intervention program...
And i had it made. I could do all the self medicating i wanted, it paid all my bills, my boss loved me, the kids loved me (probably because they sensed a shut offness with me that they could relate to), i got paid on days i didn't work and it didn't count against me (can't work with a kid if they didn't go to school that day, but we don't lose the hours because it's not our fault the kid was sick-- kinda like a teacher)
But when all this happened, i just ran... I just wanted to be with a particular part of my family like they would be able to save me from the monsters that were suddenly chasing me all at once.
I haven't had a meaningful job sense, and the shit i had was so below my education and experience level that i never fit in with the people and they all wanted to know why i was there. And on top of that, it was causing me great distress to show up for these jobs... Either i didn't want to be out of the house, or i didn't want to be away from my cousin, or i didn't want to have to deal with walking there (running inevitably cost me my car as i couldnt' pay for it anymore).
I'd usually end up crying the night before a shift and while i was getting ready, and i'd ususally be in the spazed out super stressed and anxious mood when i got home. My cousing would have to spend like an hour peeling me off the celing before i could handle the concept of her going to bed (i was/and in ways still am, dealing with abandonment issues which are being expressed in a very specific, profound and directional seperation anxiety. It drives my cousin nuts, but she refuses to let me push her away. was but heads all the time).
anyhow, i think that pretty much sums up how it affected my jobt.
I was actually, and have always been great at my actual job. It's the need for approval in me. I've been acting on this world stage for as long as i can remember. Such comes in handy when i need to be out of the house and don't want to look like a total freak. Its just that i'm so worn down from the years and years of constant playing that i'm falling apart at the seams....
so i've decided not to work for a while until i can really face myself and deal with this bullshit. I'm in the process of getting the aids i qualify for so that my life is functional while i take this mental sebatical. So far, i think i have a constant source of someone else paying my rent for a while, and i've figured out how to get a steady stream of food money, so now i am just waiting for what i qualify for weekly and i'll go from there.
because this just can't go on forever.