What do I want?

[aj]

I'm going mad, I still don't know what I want be doing... should I try to become 'one of the lads' even though to be honest I don't particularly like guys or fit in with them and don't think that I'm one for going out drinking? Am I going to be okay trying to do this on my own like I am and trying to make individual friends with progress as glacially slow as it is?

And it's probably another one of my silly questions but do people change when they're outside work? Everyone's always talking about this magical fun world where people have sex and boyfriends and girlfriends, which I've never seen... it seems that the workplace isn't included in it?

 

[recluse]

Well you shouldn't really need to try and fit in with the ''lads'', as cliched as it may sound just be yourself.

Most people i work with are the same out of work from what i have seen.

 

[aj]

Fair enough but I was texting someone from work and they said they were round a friend's house... and it hit me that I don't even have the chance to try that.

Then I realised that girls probably have a group of female friends and boys have male friends. So another words I need to get together with the boys. And they go out and get @#£%ed at the weekend.

Last week I had a job interview for a managerial position within the department I work for - a knee-jerk reaction because somebody is leaving - but you see I can do that and it means eff all. The only thing it makes easier is a job interview.

It feels like I will never click with someone properly and will never get past the stage of an occasional text or email or saying hi at work. That is when I've worked with them every damn day for months. I said hi to someone new the other day and I know that I would never reach the point of even getting a phone number with them. Just another acquaintance.

I have just tried to call this person from work but surprise surprise they're busy in some way. Probably having fun with their friends, or, of course, maybe they just don't want to talk to me. Emailing and texting is useful but crap because you miss how the person is speaking, which conveys so much - I was hoping that with a phone call I could finally get to talk to someone and chat normally, but it isn't going to work because it makes me shake I am so scared. And I can't even work on it because I still have yet to have a call answered.

I know I am not on my own but I can't see the way out.