were all selfish

[asdf]

i think part of the cause of social anxiety is were always thinking of ourselves. when was the last time you thought of doing something nice for someone else? were so rapped up in ourselves that we forget about the people around us.

were always like, i wonder if that person thought i was wierd? did i just say something stupid? i feel so depressed. i hate my life..

when was the last time you said, i wonder how that person is feeling today? i wonder if i can help someone out today....

i think were all just extremely self centered.

any thoughts?

 

[Infected_Malignity]

Haha, very true. I made a post about this a while ago, after realizing that focusing my attention outward alleviates almost all of my symptoms of anxiety. Apparently it's true for you too, that's awesome.

Yeah, a lot of shy and socially anxious people could benefit from this. It's a stretch (and a mental workout too I might add) but it's definitely achievable for all of us. Especially when a shy person considers the possibility that MAYBE, just maybe, nobody else cares about their shyness

 

[LovelyMissMadi]

Back in September someone totally ignored me and I was freaking out. It didn't occur to me until a few days later that he might've just been having a bad day. It was "OMG! I smiled at him but he looked away. What did I do?!?!" For a while I've been making a point to keep others in mind.

 

[Darkly13]

i think were all just extremely self centered.

any thoughts?

Honestly, that doesn't sound like you have thought about it enough.

 

[ljwwriter]

I believe that if we were actually so selfish we wouldn't care what other people think at all. But We do. We do sooo much. Too much.

The truly selfish are indifferent to the opinions and perspectives of others; only concerned with how they see themselves. This is by no means most of us. We obsess over how the world views us. We put ourselves down because we believe at least subconciously that others already look down upon us. Yes we spend a lot of time thinking about ourselves but it is almost always in relation to others. If anything we're guilty of caring about others too much.
That's why we feel so insulted and low when we actually get up the nerve to smile at someone and they don't bother to return the favor. Their mind's are likely on themselves while ours are on what they must think of us.

 

[applesewer]

I agree that the more you are focused on yourself the less you'll be thinking about others...but I definitely don't think we should beat ourselves up over this, even though it's probably very true that we think about ourselves more than most people. This is because, I believe everybody's wired differently, and we just happen to be wired with a lot of fears and anxieties to deal with....and I think THATS the reason we're so self focused...because we have all these anxieties...NOT because we're selfish people by nature.

I think what would make us selfish people is if we decided not to bother even attempting to think of others or to try and fix our problems, or if we developed an uncaring attitude to other people....but if we're at least trying to think outward and trying to be selfless, then I believe it's quite possible that the progress we make could be much more substantial than the progress towards selflessness that an "ordinary" person makes, and yet from the outside it may still seem like overall the "ordinary" person is the less selfish of the two.

we're all wired differently, but its your attitude and progress within that wiring that is important. thats what I think!

 

[dottie]

i am totally selfish in every way. i mean, i don't want to hurt people, i'm non-violent, inobtrusive, and i try not to upset anyone but at the same time i have taken it to the lengths that i shut everyone out while doing this. i realize that shutting people out does hurt/ upset/ put-off people. i am so self absorbed (sensitive and untrusting) that i feel almost apathetic towards others when it comes to making any effort. it comes from the combination of a) i don't think they value me so much and b) it takes so much energy out of me to interact anyways. why bother? if they are hurt for whatever reason i feel bad for them- i have empathy. but i do not tend to reach out to people. even if i want to, and i often do, i simply do not know how to connect to people. i'm totally selfish but i don't know how to be any other way.

 

[sabbath92001]

I would say all the loud obnoxious people in the world are more selfish then we are. My neighbors are all rude and throw their garbage in my yard. My co-workers are always chatting and joking. I don't think it's selfish to be quiet and considerate.

 

[Butterflies]

I don't believe we are all selfish. I'm sure there are many on this site that are selfless - very aware of the needs of others and more than happy to self-sacrafice to ensure the needs of others are met.

I do however, recall using the term "self-conscious". Being conscious of self while communicating or socialising with others. When I became more conscious of others (during conversation) it definately helped me stay in the moment...

 

[jamez]

Ummm...this is true for most people.

 

[shon]

i am totally selfish in every way. i mean, i don't want to hurt people, i'm non-violent, inobtrusive, and i try not to upset anyone but at the same time i have taken it to the lengths that i shut everyone out while doing this. i realize that shutting people out does hurt/ upset/ put-off people. i am so self absorbed (sensitive and untrusting) that i feel almost apathetic towards others when it comes to making any effort. it comes from the combination of a) i don't think they value me so much and b) it takes so much energy out of me to interact anyways. why bother? if they are hurt for whatever reason i feel bad for them- i have empathy. but i do not tend to reach out to people. even if i want to, and i often do, i simply do not know how to connect to people. i'm totally selfish but i don't know how to be any other way.

I'm the same way, also I'm so uncomfortable around people that I'm not capable of thinking about how I'm making them feel. If any focus is on me at all, I'm super self-conscious. I do think of others all the time (while in the comfort of my home) but in my scared moments, no. When I walk out to my car and my neighbor is outside in his yard, I look straight ahead and pretend I don't see him because for some strange reason, it's easier that way. It's painful knowing all the worry that comes along with us looking at each other and especially if words are spoken. I don't stand there and think that poor guy is thinking I'm such a snot, I'm making him feel bad! I pretend like I don't know he's there and hope that he doesn't realize I see him. It's not my choice though. I realize a lot about myself from reading what you wrote.

 

[phoenix1]

Having social anxiety means that you are focusing on yourself. It does not mean that you are being selfish or self-centered. It's only natural that we would have a hard time looking out for others when we are focusing so much on trying to stop our own pain. Trying to stop pain is the first thing our minds do in any situation. If we have our hand on a burning stove, our first thought is to move it away and take care of ourselves before anything else. If that burning stove is social anxiety, then we look to ourselves first to constantly try to stop the burn or the pain. It's the only thing we can do.

 

[Moonlight_Magic]

I dont agree.

I think we are simply too introspective and overly concerned with social acceptance and what others think of us.

I dont really see that as the same thing as being selfish. Selfish to me is only being concerned with what you want out of life and not caring about other peoples feelings and needs.

I may be overly focused on myself and how im feeling at times (very introspective) but i am a highly sensitive person and if another person is upset i can sense it and my reaction is to want to soothe or heal them.

Similarly i can sense when someone is in a bad mood, or a happy mood etc and so on.

I care very much about the feelings, wants and desire of those around me, and i will sometimes bend over backwards to try and make people happy/please them.

Although i will admit i dont like being around people who are in a bad mood. The negative energy that bad mood gives off sucks the energy out of you and leaves you feeling in a bad mood as well (even if you were in a good mood beforehand).

But yes i can be highly introspective and at those times i can be a little oblivious to what other people are really feeling. It only happens around people im not familiar with though, because my anxiety blocks out my usual sensitivity so i cant pick up on their mood so easily.

Basically i just cant control my anxiety when im around people i dont know very well, probably because i was bullied at school, am so highly sensitive, and lack confidence.

I dont think that makes me selfish.

Ie if i were selfish, i wouldnt care if i offended someone or not, and well i do care if i accidently offend someone and it usually results in me feeling the need to appologise.

I also have a bit of ocd and that can make me introspective at times as well. At those times im actually obsessing or ruminating over something, im not being intentionally selfish. What it does mean i often do though is repeat myself in conversations as i dont feel as though i have articulated myself properly the first time or it causes me to go on an on about the topic im ruminating over. This seems to annoy people so its easier if i dont try and mix at those times. People only criticise me for going on or repeating myself and that makes my social anxiety even worse

I dont mean to go on and on, its just sometimes my brain wont shut up about the subject and i cant help it

Put a record on and play it over and over again day in and day out, and thats what my brain can be like sometimes. It even drives me up the wall some days.

Also i edit my posts a lot so if people have criticisms of my constant editing can we get it out the way now cause ive been slammed to hell and back on another forum board for it. Its just that i make a lot of typos (although i try to make myself leave some in it if i have made some sometimes), my grammar has to read fluidly (im fussy) and i get a lot of afterthoughts that i feel i need to add to my post or the post feels incomplete without them and i feel as though i have not articulated myself properly.

Sometimes i think i should be a hermit and move out into the middle of nowhere where i cant annoy anyone by being me 8O

Moonlight

 

[asdf]

i think were all just extremely self centered.

any thoughts?

Honestly, that doesn't sound like you have thought about it enough.

im making conversation deuchebag.

to everyone else, you guys have interesting points. i think your right, were not selfish in an evil way, like using other people for our own benefits. were selfish in the fact that we don't don't think enough about doing things for other people.

ill be the first to admit, i am extremely self centered and have bad social anxiety. but i have found that it has helped my social anxiety to everyday make it goal to do one nice thing for someone.

for example, my grandma's been sick in the hospital and shes going to have to have a hospital bed put in her house. so i went over and helped my grandpa move her old bed and stuff and take it to the dump. i had anxiety about it days before, but to my suprise while i was helping out my anxiety almost went completely away.

start with simple stuff and you'll be amazed how much better you feel about yourself and your SA.

good luck

 

[millymoocow]

i think of other people. i LIVE to make other people happy. i feel real sad and terrible when this guy in my class gets teased, and im the only one that cares, and i try to talk to him but then my SA takes over and it makes me feel real guilty.

 

[Darkly13]

i think were all just extremely self centered.

any thoughts?

Honestly, that doesn't sound like you have thought about it enough.

im making conversation deuchebag.

I was just stating my opinion without stooping to calling someone a name over the internet. If you don't like it, that's really too bad.

Btw, it's we're not were.

 

[PhantomPod]

I would say all the loud obnoxious people in the world are more selfish then we are. My neighbors are all rude and throw their garbage in my yard. My co-workers are always chatting and joking. I don't think it's selfish to be quiet and considerate.

I agree with this. I think that more outgoing people could be considered selfish in that they're going to do what they want, when they want, no matter if it hurts someone else.

I feel that the majority of shy people (this is at least true for me) are very observant and aware of other peoples needs. We may be thoughtful and think of nice things to do for others, say when it looks like they're feeling down or in a bad mood, but we're so shy that we don't act on those nice thoughts we have and just end up leaving the person alone and not saying anything.

I wouldn't consider that selfishness at all. Although I can't think of a proper term that I would call it. I guess it's like we have good ideas and intentions, we just don't know how to act on them and make them a reality.

 

[recluse]

i think part of the cause of social anxiety is were always thinking of ourselves. when was the last time you thought of doing something nice for someone else? were so rapped up in ourselves that we forget about the people around us.

were always like, i wonder if that person thought i was wierd? did i just say something stupid? i feel so depressed. i hate my life..

when was the last time you said, i wonder how that person is feeling today? i wonder if i can help someone out today....

i think were all just extremely self centered.

any thoughts?

I'm unsellfish. I think about other peoples needs before mine, almost to the point that i am submissive.

 

[Doomed2Die]

I agree with everything Moonlight has said. We are not selfish but rather, ultra introspective and sensitive.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

I'm unsellfish. I think about other peoples needs before mine, almost to the point that i am submissive.

This is a perfect example of how you can be two extremes at once (and how a lot of us probably are). Think about it - in everyday life, you give yourself up to the world around you - and in social situations, you find it hard to find yourself. You automatically become self-centered in social situations because of it. I think it's neither one or the other, but perhaps both.

Ps - to the namecalling, that's not cool. Keep it friendly.