Was I Stood Up?

[Bittersweet]

I befriended a guy from a support group.
He's very nice and we seem to get along really well.
We started hanging out just about every day.
The last time we got together was two Fridays ago.
He said he'd call me and we planned to get together Tuesday.
He called Tuesday and said he wasn't feeling well and said let's get together Thursday.
Thursday afternoon he called and said he hadn't felt like getting together, but he'd decided to go to a movie with people from the support group.

I began to feel like he was brushing me off, but wasn't comfortable being honest about it.

I began to distance myself from him. He noticed a change and began to initiate approaching me. He called and asked if I was alright and if he'd done anything. I told him I thought he wanted space so I was trying to give it to him. He assured me that wasn't the case.

We seemed to get along well again, and he asked if I had plans Thursday. I called him last night to see how he was doing. He never returned my call.
Today he hasn't called me again and I'm not sure how to take it.

When I confront him about these things he assures me that it's not me, he's just not feeling well.

If someone isn't feeling well, it seems like they wouldn't be able to go to the movies either.

This is the third or fourth time he's cancelled plans. The first two times I can understand, but after that, it seems like he's just brushing me off.

Still, if I distance myself from him, he begins to initiate contact and seems interested.

Is this a misunderstanding, or is this his way of dropping a hint?

 

[kihira]

Could it be that he's very nervous about it all?

 

[userremoved]

I can't claim to know whats going on in this guys head, but I'll take a wild guess and say maybe he's freaking out because he thinks things are going into territory he can't handle? I tend to do better in groups too than one on one with a person so maybe he got the courage to ask you out, then chickened out at the last second and went to the movies to take his mind off of his personal failings. But like I said who knows, people are confusing.

 

[Prestonator]

I befriended a guy from a support group.
He's very nice and we seem to get along really well.
We started hanging out just about every day.
The last time we got together was two Fridays ago.
He said he'd call me and we planned to get together Tuesday.
He called Tuesday and said he wasn't feeling well and said let's get together Thursday.
Thursday afternoon he called and said he hadn't felt like getting together, but he'd decided to go to a movie with people from the support group.

I began to feel like he was brushing me off, but wasn't comfortable being honest about it.

I began to distance myself from him. He noticed a change and began to initiate approaching me. He called and asked if I was alright and if he'd done anything. I told him I thought he wanted space so I was trying to give it to him. He assured me that wasn't the case.

We seemed to get along well again, and he asked if I had plans Thursday. I called him last night to see how he was doing. He never returned my call.
Today he hasn't called me again and I'm not sure how to take it.

When I confront him about these things he assures me that it's not me, he's just not feeling well.

If someone isn't feeling well, it seems like they wouldn't be able to go to the movies either.

This is the third or fourth time he's cancelled plans. The first two times I can understand, but after that, it seems like he's just brushing me off.

Still, if I distance myself from him, he begins to initiate contact and seems interested.

Is this a misunderstanding, or is this his way of dropping a hint?

In my mind there will be two answers for this:

1) Either he does like you but is just worried you don't like him back (lacking in self confidence)

2) That he is just playing you around.

Because I don't know the full situation it is hard to actually judge what exactly he is doing, but in my opinion you should definitely confront him and tell him just exactly how you feel.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Yeah I can't make a judgement there because I find the whole thing odd myself, but that's just from the information you give.
You really do need to just be up front with him though, and tell him how you feel. Ask him if it's because he's afraid. Tell him he's allowed to share his feelings. Just be kind and gentle about it.
If he continues to say nothing, or that everything is just alright, I'd leave him at that point because you don't someone who can't tell you the truth.

BTW, there is no "dropping a hint" if a guy continues to approach you. I've never known any guys to do that type of thing anyway. Not to be too generalized, but in my experience at least, girls are the ones who want the guy to get the hint without having to say anything.

But just ask him straight up, what's the deal.

 

[KnuffleBunny]

This is the third or fourth time he's cancelled plans. The first two times I can understand, but after that, it seems like he's just brushing me off.

3-4 times of this does not sound like interest to me. Better be up front about it and I would even suggest dropping him. He seems to find other things to be important over you.

 

[Bittersweet]

I can understand if he's not interested; it happens.

If someone doesn't have interest, why would they bother to ask me to get together, not once but several times?

Why doesn't he just avoid asking me altogether?

Any thoughts?

 

[KnuffleBunny]

It could be that he does have interest but he makes a lot of excuses to not meet. Perhaps he really is afraid. I guess it is best to just ask him straight about it, let him know how much it's bothering you. He may change and finally meet you. Ask yourself how long you're willing to wait for this person and be sure to let him know you do want to meet but that his reaction is pushing you away.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

I can understand if he's not interested; it happens.

If someone doesn't have interest, why would they bother to ask me to get together, not once but several times?

Why doesn't he just avoid asking me altogether?

Any thoughts?

He's playing with you, or he's just shy (you know he has SA like you after all).
Just ask him these questions yourself and get to the bottom of it.
Or tell him the next time he asks you out that you're not going through this over and over with him.

 

[Bittersweet]

I did ask him myself. He assured me everything is fine and that he's not avoiding me.

 

[Danfalc]

I can understand if he's not interested; it happens.

If someone doesn't have interest, why would they bother to ask me to get together, not once but several times?

Why doesn't he just avoid asking me altogether?

Any thoughts?

I really like what everyone else has said mostly, he really might just not feel good enough for you, or that he will muck it up somehow.

I think if he wasn't interested at all, he wouldn't of bothered asking you out...I think he just looses his nerves when it sinks In and gets close.

But only he really knows why he is doing this, it isn't fair to blow hot and cold, so I think you should talk to him about it. You might have to be the dominant one at the start until he comes out of his shell a bit.

 

[Bittersweet]

I'm not sure if my last message posted. I'll post again. I did talk to him directly. I did confront him as nicely as possible. He denied that anything was wrong and said he wasn't avoiding me, then asked me what I was doing later in the week.

 

[KnuffleBunny]

I'm not sure if my last message posted. I'll post again. I did talk to him directly. I did confront him as nicely as possible. He denied that anything was wrong and said he wasn't avoiding me, then asked me what I was doing later in the week.

Sounds like he's denying he has a problem with meeting up. If he refuses to see he does this, I don't see how you two will meet tbh. If he can come to terms with this he may try and work harder and if not, well, it doesn't seem likely.

 

[Bittersweet]

He didn't call at all today. The group we belong to gets together at Starbucks tomorrow. I expect he'll be there with his excuses ready.

If he ever asks me to get together again, I'll just let him know I'm busy.

Permanently.

 

[Prestonator]

Some guys have told me that when they ask a girl out, they make sure they arent clingy about the girl by not texting but wait for the girl to initiate things. But i'm not sure whether this would apply to you or not because well it doesn't really sound like that is what is happening.

Maybe he is just really shy. I don't know. It is a shame when things like this happen, especially if you really liked him. Hmmm.....maybe you should just wait and see how things pan out at your next meeting with your group. He may find it easier coming out of his shell there.

 

[theslowesthand]

Granted, he has "issues", so a bit more patience than usual would be required.
Just my personal opinion, but i would say don't bother with anyone unless they really are a prospective "soul mate".
But what would i know - never been in a single relationship ever...

 

[Prestonator]

Personally though I don't think you actually know you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with until a bit into a relationship.