Anomaly
Well-known member
It's been a bit of time since I was active on this forum. I've gradually reduced my activity ever since the front-page ChatBox was removed as I thought the utility of the site (for me) was beginning to disappear -- namely, a focus on community, on knowing members not simply as those who share a condition and/or lifestyle similar to yours, but knowing them as acquaintances or perhaps even friends. Coming as a newbie and going to the front page ChatBox helped me get integrated into the community very quickly and I think newer members may miss out on such an opportunity. On to my main point.
I've gradually been slipping further and further into depression and anomie. I've had a few periods of temporary resolve, intent on gathering my efforts to do well on next semester's classes, do X, do Y, and so forth. Little has come of that, and there was an essence falsity to that resolve from the very beginning. Currently, I've dropped the majority of my classes -- my original schedule was organic chemistry (5 units), botany (5 units), and calc-based physics 1 (5 units). I quickly fell behind in o-chem, completely lost interest in botany due to the utter stupidity of the situation (the actual teacher was not there and the class was headed by a substitute, along with other complaints I have, which I consider at least somewhat valid, such as having to buy a complete textbook yet relying 98% on class notes), and I have thus far missed about 4 full weeks of physics. To retain some financial aid money, I picked up a microeconomics class (3 units) which I can do in my sleep.
Not long ago, my transfer agreement acceptances came (community college -> university). I was accepted to every university I sent the initial app. to: UC San Diego (molecular biology/biochemistry), UC Irvine (biomedical engineering), UC Davis (molecular biology/biochemistry), and UC Merced (just for fun, I think it was biochemistry -- it is ranked much lower than all the other UCs). The agreement was contingent upon my completion of the planned courses, which I obviously dropped. I have no plans of applying through the normal application process since I have now found utter disgust with the lab procedures and many aspects of the classes I've now taken and planned to take. I can imagine that many people would have loved to be in my position with regards to the university acceptances, but there was to be no elation in my heart. Such a strange disgust toward all my past plans and ideas (I specifically chose to exclude ambitions as I have none) surprises me on reflection. This may be for the better, but, as history has it, it may also be for the worse -- despite which, I still think that there is a bottom to the downfall, from which I can rise, at least somewhat.
Much of my reading has been put off due to my utter inability to concentrate on anything for a significant amount of time and my constant feeling of tiredness. This is a bit of a disconnect for me as I have a desire which I feel to be genuine to read, particularly at this point in life, but I lack the means to do so. Sure, I can force myself to sit down (or even lay down) and meticulously read page after page only to fail at simple recollection days afterward. I don't consider that activity 'reading.' I've considered the possibility of the feeling of weakness as an excuse concocted to keep me from doing the work, but I think my general decline in energy and my significantly lessened resilience to sleep loss is not my own creation.
Had I had my own way, 100% based on my decision, I would've dropped all of my classes this semester, gave back the money, and waited for the next to arrive. I've filled it with classes that have a higher chance of interesting me to the point of making me attend not out of fear of bad grades (which is a very small fear for me indeed) but out of genuine interest. This may or may not be my last post or thread here, the future is still too uncertain. I won't bother proofreading this and will simply post it in the most genuine form.
I've gradually been slipping further and further into depression and anomie. I've had a few periods of temporary resolve, intent on gathering my efforts to do well on next semester's classes, do X, do Y, and so forth. Little has come of that, and there was an essence falsity to that resolve from the very beginning. Currently, I've dropped the majority of my classes -- my original schedule was organic chemistry (5 units), botany (5 units), and calc-based physics 1 (5 units). I quickly fell behind in o-chem, completely lost interest in botany due to the utter stupidity of the situation (the actual teacher was not there and the class was headed by a substitute, along with other complaints I have, which I consider at least somewhat valid, such as having to buy a complete textbook yet relying 98% on class notes), and I have thus far missed about 4 full weeks of physics. To retain some financial aid money, I picked up a microeconomics class (3 units) which I can do in my sleep.
Not long ago, my transfer agreement acceptances came (community college -> university). I was accepted to every university I sent the initial app. to: UC San Diego (molecular biology/biochemistry), UC Irvine (biomedical engineering), UC Davis (molecular biology/biochemistry), and UC Merced (just for fun, I think it was biochemistry -- it is ranked much lower than all the other UCs). The agreement was contingent upon my completion of the planned courses, which I obviously dropped. I have no plans of applying through the normal application process since I have now found utter disgust with the lab procedures and many aspects of the classes I've now taken and planned to take. I can imagine that many people would have loved to be in my position with regards to the university acceptances, but there was to be no elation in my heart. Such a strange disgust toward all my past plans and ideas (I specifically chose to exclude ambitions as I have none) surprises me on reflection. This may be for the better, but, as history has it, it may also be for the worse -- despite which, I still think that there is a bottom to the downfall, from which I can rise, at least somewhat.
Much of my reading has been put off due to my utter inability to concentrate on anything for a significant amount of time and my constant feeling of tiredness. This is a bit of a disconnect for me as I have a desire which I feel to be genuine to read, particularly at this point in life, but I lack the means to do so. Sure, I can force myself to sit down (or even lay down) and meticulously read page after page only to fail at simple recollection days afterward. I don't consider that activity 'reading.' I've considered the possibility of the feeling of weakness as an excuse concocted to keep me from doing the work, but I think my general decline in energy and my significantly lessened resilience to sleep loss is not my own creation.
Had I had my own way, 100% based on my decision, I would've dropped all of my classes this semester, gave back the money, and waited for the next to arrive. I've filled it with classes that have a higher chance of interesting me to the point of making me attend not out of fear of bad grades (which is a very small fear for me indeed) but out of genuine interest. This may or may not be my last post or thread here, the future is still too uncertain. I won't bother proofreading this and will simply post it in the most genuine form.
