Troubles with romantic relationships

[Jenny1234]

Who here is successfully in a romantic relationship despite their social anxiety? I find that dating someone I'm truly into triggers my S.A. and makes it nearly impossible to feel comfortable and be myself. I'm seeing someone right now but it's hard. And he picks up on my anxious behavior which makes me feel worse.

And if anyone has any advice on how to cope with S.A. in a relationship, please share.

 

[dottie]

sounds like you are uncomfortable around him. give it a few weeks and if it doesn't change: move on. it's SOOOO much more fulfilling to be in a relationship that you can be comfortable in, where you can be yourself.

 

[Jenny1234]

Thanks for your reply, Dottie. We have been dating for 3 1/2 months. He's not the only guy I've had this problem with, though. It happens with EVERYONE I date that I like. If I broke up with someone every time I felt anxious, I would be single forever. It's just so depressing.

 

[Nathália]

Thanks for your reply, Dottie. We have been dating for 3 1/2 months. He's not the only guy I've had this problem with, though. It happens with EVERYONE I date that I like. If I broke up with someone every time I felt anxious, I would be single forever. It's just so depressing.

Sorry about that Jenny. Have you opened up to someone in your relationships about anxiety? I hope it gets better for you.

 

[dottie]

when you date guys are you sure you're not placing more importance on some qualities (looks, social status, whatever) instead of qualities like someone you relate with who makes you feel comfortable?

 

[Jenny1234]

Thanks Beleza. Yep. I let every guy I date know that I struggle with social anxiety. It helps in the moment to relieve a bit of the anxiety, but not in the long term. A guy can be understanding at first, but it just gets old fast.

 

[Jenny1234]

Dottie, the funny thing is, the guy I'm seeing right now is so much like me. We should be a perfect match. I like nearly everything about him. But that's the problem. If I like you, I will be uncomfortable.

I don't put a lot of stock in looks and social status and all that. I don't have unreasonable expectations. If you are employed, don't do drugs, and can get along with my friends and family, that's all I ask for. And chemistry of course!

 

[dottie]

that sounds pretty well-rounded. maybe force yourself into sillier situations where you are prone to open up more... silly, like board games, races, trampolines, stuff where you are forced to let go. these things tend to break the ice for me and help me get past a certain point. THEN. there are just some guys who i just can't get past that point. they're great guys, have physical chemistry, but socially it is like shoving a mismatched puzzle piece in. if we can't be silly together... forget it.

 

[Jenny1234]

Dottie,
I agree that being in situations where you can be silly really does lighten the mood. And the two of us can be very silly, when I am feeling OK. I also think doing something active takes the pressure off of talking. I just wish, though, that I could feel OK in any situation. But don't we all.

-Jenny

 

[InvisaLady]

I can sympathize with your problem and wish I could offer some useful advice. Hopefully your partner is a kind and understanding guy and is willing to help you work through your issues.
I wish you two the best of luck.

 

[Jenny1234]

Invisalady,

Thank you so much. He is a kind person. In fact, he's a therapist! So I'm sure he's seen crazier people than me. But it's different when you are dating someone with issues and I know it wears on him. I really think the only thing that's going to help me is finding the right medication. I've also started CBT, so hopefully that will be useful.

-Jenny