Too Proud To Admit How Pathetic I Am

[206Raider]

I know I've been on a hiatus and I haven't gotten back to some of you and I'm sorry for that but I realized inside I'm afraid to progress I don't think anything will ever truly work for me and I'm stuck in my ways. Nothing is really fun anymore or atleast the fun doesn't last very long. I'm torn between trying to get better and just giving up, I think anytime I try I believe subconsioucly that I'm stuck in hell and there is nothing that will work. I feel I'm dumb and don't know anything book smart, I know I'm very consciously smart and can relate to what other people are feeling but it never really comes into use unless my friends are in a crisis and they come to me. I hide from all my problems, if I owe something I avoid talking on the phone, if somebody wants to go out I ignore it if I don't know them well enough. I don't feel acceptable in life because there are some days I try to get to know people but I stress myself out becuase I have nothing to say, and then afterwards they might want to hang out but I don't want to so I stay home, I'm afraid they will see the real me. I guess you could say I'm lucky becuase for whatever reason people love me....although I do not know how to accept their love because I've been treated like shyt my whole life. Inside I'm not sure if I will ever get better it's life I'm chasing a prize that may never come. I have ambitions and goals but it seems as though people like us typically suffer and I don't want to do that. Does anybody have any success stories? I'm dying to hear one, I believe it's very possible so I keep hope but I'm just not sure I will make it. I can't live as a recluse, thats not the life I envision for myself.

 

[Pleut]

I can't give you a success story but I can tell you I think I know how you feel.
It's not fair to have to keep fighting to just be 'normal' every single day.
It's so, disheartening to think that it's always going to be this hard for the rest of your life.
It gets easier though, at least for me.
The more 'eureka' moments you have and the more things you realize, the easier it becomes.

You say if someone wants to go out, you don't because you don't know them well enough.. why not try to see if someone you do know well enough is available to join you?

I know I don't have a right to tell you what to do, so you can tell me to butt out if you want lol.

 

[206Raider]

No no no, I appreciate your advice. I hoenstly left this place becuase I thought it did more harm than good and I've been going out with people, going to parties but still a part of me feels alone in which nobody gets my anxiety. For some reason it's frustrating to me that people believe I am really smart and have great advice and want to be around me when I do not believe I am worthy all the time. I don't know how to feel about myself as other people feel about me. I do not want to fall back into my recluse state but lately I've been tired of my new friends....I ignore their calls and do nothing....my cousin who was like a brother to me just left to Arizona and my best friend moved to Chicago and joined the army a few months back. I don't really have anyone I'm extremely close to anymore....that's probably why I relapsed here. But yes thank you and I will not tell you to butt out of my business that's what I made the thread for brother

 

[Pleut]

I get that. I'm still trying to figure out how/why my friends think I'm so great lol.
One day maybe.
Until then, just accept it?
Don't consider this a relapse, consider this.. revisiting old friends and possibly chatting with some new ones?
Continue spending time with your IRL friends though
(It is okay to take a break from socializing though lol)

 

[206Raider]

Maybe one day....true but honestly it's never like I get all the way better. I have periods of feeling successful and then see myself in the mirror and see failure. It drives me crazy

 

[userremoved]

Hmm, when it comes to why people may like you, I say don't try and figure it out. There are so many reasons why a person may enjoy your company and it may be for things that make no sense to you. I know if I ponder it too much I start to doubt their sincerity, then punish myself with isolation. Taking breaks are ok, don't feel obligated to be with people every time they ask, but don't stop altogether. I would just be sure to tell people you're just not feeling up to it so they don't take it personally.

I'm not sure if this is one of those things that ever go away permanently but I'm sure with practice it has to get easier. I know I'm a lot friendlier with people than I was a few years ago. I couldn't even make eye contact with strangers then. Now I just need to get the smiling thing down to become more "approachable" or whatever.