Too negative/untrusting to make friends or be social.

[Mrs_G]

Hey, I was looking to make friends with simular thoughts really. I never used to have social phobia growing up. I remember having a few close friends...going round their houses to play and generally having fun, feeling safe and not having a care in the world...although I've always been shy/quiet. Now it's a totally different story. I worry what other people think, too much and how I am perceived (even worrying now that you probably think i'm a total freak right now) I tend to think I know that people can see im shy/nervous and not being myself or even just a strange weird person that can't have a conversation and freezes up and I imagine I know exactly what they are thinking (cuz i'm not like this with my husband... and even I think "what the f*ck did you say that for/why did you say it like that you f*cking fool") which makes every social event a failure and such a let down, leaving me miserbale. I worry what my face looks like when I talk, I envy other people who look natural when they talk/be them selves...I always look out of place in photos/film/in a crowd and I can't relax and don't really know how to be myself anymore. I even think I can't even walk properly and worry what I look like. I'm always nervous out and can't think for myself..I find it a challenge to cross the street (now I KNOW you think i'm retarded lol... i'm not I swear but that's how bad the phobia has got) I can be shy like that with my family too...God help me when i'm around my husband's family. I get paranoid that everyone see's me as some sort of joke with no bottle to stand my ground or start a conversation... I reckon people get bored/fed up with me. It used to be alright when alcohol/ciggeretts were involved...although I smoked way to much because it was me doing something...taking the edge off my phobia. But without those vises I find myself boring and can't think of ANYHTHING to say at ther time. The voice in my head when I type is totally different to the person I have become. I have no self esteem and just wish I could be happy. I have a group of friends now (that's how i met my husband he was one of the group)...and I still don't feel comfortable around most of them...like I don't trust them. People say all the time I should have confidence and that I am attractive and never get on anyones nerves (that's because I see how annoying fake people can be and over annalys them thinking...why don't you just shut up everyone thinks you're over the top... which makes me too scared to even try and put on a front (because people will pick up on me acting differently) I'd love to just not care and be as outgoing as my husband appears to be (we always laugh and say how much we hate other people and how retarded they are) We love spending time together and we make each other laugh so hard. There's one or two boys in our group that we think are relatively worth comuning with...I don't tend to get close to girls anymore...not sure why. I'm nearly 25 myself and am nearly 7 months gone with our first baby boy. I hope the phobia/shyness etc disapears when I put all my fears aside for my child. I'd love to make friends on here. My ideal would be to meet up with those who are simular to me (as naive as is sounds) I hate not having friends, propper best friends. I wanna be the person I know I truely am...but to affraid to be in public. I have lots of people i've known/passed by over the years on facebook...but I never really see them and am (as you can tell) happy to reply to their messages lol. Anyway... way too much info lol hope to hear from someone soon...Phobia is driving me nuts... :/

 

[bitingthepea]

heya,

reading your story i can relate to a lot of the things you say. I worry so much about what people think about me when i no its silly,
And i hate leaving a social situation because after ive gone i immeditaly start to worry about what there saying about me

Ill be one of ur new friends on here =]
yu got msn or email?
x

 

[recluse]

i didn't read all your post sorry, i just skimmed through it.

I can relate to not being able to make friends.

 

[Mrs_G]

Yeah I always think they are going to bitch about me as soon as me and my hubby leave. To be honest if i became best friends with other people i'd drop them like a hat... they are always bitching about others and so i asume they must do the same behind my back. I just can't seem to relate to anyone...one personality trate or another seems to pop up and let me down....making me get fed up with them. It's not as if im f*cking perfect!?! so i don't know why it's so hard now... bring back the days i was 12/13!!!!!! life was so much more relaxing then!

 

[no1]

I am the same. Way too negative to even let something blossom even if it had the chance. Well I try to at least be open but something always makes me go back.. for some reason, no matter how much I try.

I DON"T KNOW WHY! maybe it's because PEOPLE DO REJECT ME... or the "never-ending" silence kills me.

 

[blue]

I can relate to most of what you say especially the part about your partners family - I feel so ashamed of how i must look to my partners family.......and sometimes my own. I have two young children and it is a real struggle..........definatly worth it though.

 

[Mrs_G]

I told myself once i got pregnant with my hubby's baby that would be it..i'll be strong. It's taken me 7 months to gain a nice rounded bump...which in a way yes...i can make a phonecall and not stumble my words so much or apologise too much...and i can be served at a shop/receptionist and smile and chat (can be awkward sometimes) and i am hoping in march when i "pop" i'll become stronger still. New years eve was a let down (in myself) cuz i wasn't bubly until very late...but I am quite scared because once the baby comes along i'll have to be more outgoing,go places,do things, be stared at if the kiddy plays up, be chatty with other mums etc. Does it get easier? you say it's a struggle still eeeek!?

 

[Mrs_G]

I dunno, my mum's Portuguese..dad's english...foreign mums seem to want to do things for you all the time. I believe her being there to intensley has made me into the scared person i am today. I hate to "blame" her but yeah, maybe if she had been abit more stand offish I could have grown confidence and learned to be comfortable doing things for myself. Can't see how that can be linked to genrally hating people lol... everything seems to f*ck me off... be it the "person who stands in your eye line at a bus stop... knowing your sat down but still stands there in your way" or people who don't look where they're going in the supermarket and always walk into me. God knows how my hubby and I are so compatable but nothing beats the laughter that goes on in my house! Despite me sounding like a miserable old woman we are quite evil when it comes to pointing out other peoples faults... thts probably why i'm worried what others think of me so much LOL

 

[Havocan]

I can relate to a lot of things you write here. Especially the part about overanalyzing everything and worry that you are inferior to others. The fear of humiliation haunts my mind too, don't know if you feel the same thing?
I wonder, since you say you don't trust hardly anyone and have difficulties making new friendships, have you talked to the others in your group about this? Your spouse? Because I think it's not going to just "get better" once you've become a mum, as long as you run from it, it'll always catch up on you. You've got to deal with it.
It's hard to believe but 99,9999% of everyone around you don't give a damn about what you do or think^^.

 

[Mrs_G]

Yeah my husband knows everything about me. He's my best friend n we enjoy going out together or with the group. I trust the guys...they have a stupid sense of humour like me... and i'm always cautious not to be too loud or be outspoken..which is why i guess they feel i fit right in. I'm polite to their girlfriends, Chit chat...no real "friendship there" So they invited me to a caravan holiday...i was one of the singletons and my husband (a member of the group i had rarely seen/spoken to) came along too...we hit it off from there. He felt I was so different to the other girls in the group... and he loves me for it. I dont "have to be heard" or in peoples faces. I'm just me. The guys couldn't harm people if they tried. It's the girls that are always bitching. My hubby says the same as you or even "who gives a f*ck what they think, they're all retarded/not perfect etc" it's the fear and not feeling "superior" or "looking strong" in front of them that begins the snowball cycle. Sometimes i'm ok around them but sometimes i feel stupid/weak lol. What gets me most about SA/SP is not being able to start a friendship of my own. But a couple of years ago i found out i was more chatty/outgoing if the person i was speaking to was SHY! was bizarre. But if they are outgoing...i freeze up/cant think of things to say or ask. Annoys the f*ck out of me!

 

[Mrs_G]

I think what hit it off at the caravan holiday was we were all having a drink, sitting around playing a cardgame called sh*t head. Only soemone made some a crappy hat from a newspaper and if you lost you had to wear the hat and be "sh*t head" lol... i never lost a game and said sarcastically " Welllll...I just wasn't made to wear the hat! " which seemed to make him chuckle love him sooooooooo much. Just wanna be like i am with him around others.

 

[Havocan]

What gets me most about SA/SP is not being able to start a friendship of my own. But a couple of years ago i found out i was more chatty/outgoing if the person i was speaking to was SHY! was bizarre. But if they are outgoing...i freeze up/cant think of things to say or ask. Annoys the f*ck out of me!

Actually, I wouldn't consider that bizarre or odd at all. Knowing that the one you are talking to also is shy/has SP easens some of the pressure you've got, since it's a person with the same problems as you. I'm also more talkative and personal around quiet and reserved people, simply just because I feel safer around them. And if they let me know they've got SP then there's that special "connection" that starts prospering between us. Like some sort of a special chemistry.

In fact, I try to avoid outgoing people since they're often perceived as more bothersome and less willing to understand my problems. That being said, I know it's important to have social friends too, but perhaps not as your closest friends, since they're more prone to ditch you for social events/gatherings {at least that's what I've experienced so far}^^.

 

[Mrs_G]

I don't know what I have. If it's sp, sa or just general lack of self worth. I love the thought of the social event. I get to dress up and do my makeup/hair (even now i'm 7 months pregnant lol I want huby to be proud of me) I like to go out with my husband on these rare events (like new years/christmas)..perhaps not to his family's house but that's my own problem. His family is huge and i find it hard to trust people/reckon they think i'm too shy/weak etc and they are very different people to what i'm used to or like being around generally. ***But when it comes down to turning up at ther event and start getting attention or not being able to start conversations easily/naturally etc (alcohol obviously not involved at the moment lol it's muchhhh better with alcohol but won't be getting mullard when baby is born for obvious reasons....but i'm also a light weight so after 2-3 vodka and cokes i slur my words and look drunk anyway which defeats the point of it all haha)*** i freeze up, don't feel as pretty/attractive as i did when i left the house, can't really break away from hubby to start conversations...i'll smile around but then feel nervous and think i look awkward and it snowballs from there.... grrr! I really worry about what i look like when i talk/how i talk...i just wanna not care

 

[Havocan]

Yeah, it's when others around you start staring at you {"normal" people would call it looking, I experience it so intense as to the level of staring} and keep quiet so you can talk that it's starting to get very uncomfortable. I believe I've got APD so I immediately worry about not making a fool out of myself, getting rejected, being laughed at or criticised. The pulse beats faster, I start to sweat and lose focus and so on :roll: . Sucks, so at most events I consume alcohol to not think of that, but I always end up getting sloshed ^^.

 

[Mrs_G]

what's APD. the things u mention i get all the time too, it's like people are out to be rude to me etc and i can't stand the thought of humilliation!

 

[Havocan]

APD stands for Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's basically a fear of being humiliated, judged and seen as a loser, feeling inferior to others, being rejected. For example, I don't mind a huge crowd, since I feel I can "disappear" there, but if I pass a group of 5-6 people who know me then I want to dig myself a hole and jump down in it, since I worry about them laughing behind my back because of my facial expression, my clothes, my walk, etc. Same thing when I talk to someone, I worry that they think that I've got a weird accent, that they see me as boring, stupid, and so on. I think I'd say that APD is more concrete and applies mostly for close-contact situations whereas SA includes "all" aspects of the social life. I don't know though, I'm just guessing. I read about APD on Wikipedia.

 

[Mrs_G]

that sounds like what I go through. I've noticed in conversations i'll laugh at myself or feel quite childlike in a weird way...don't know if it's perceived this way but it's a comfort thing. I can never be a strong confident person because i don't have any self belief!

 

[Havocan]

that sounds like what I go through. I've noticed in conversations i'll laugh at myself or feel quite childlike in a weird way...don't know if it's perceived this way but it's a comfort thing. I can never be a strong confident person because i don't have any self belief!

Yeah, the more you can laugh at yourself {without appearing clumsy and like a clown} the more people in general feel they can easily talk to you and joke with you. Unfortunately I tend to see people who do that as non-serious and persons who believe the whole life is a joke^^. It's still, indeed, a good tactic to use. Too bad I'm incapable of that, then.

 

[Mrs_G]

Would be interesting to find out from you... do you also hate going to work, jump from job to job because you get bored ands believe you can do better out of life but this condition stops us? I'm also suprisingly good in interviews... or i panic right up until i have it and then do suprisingly well. My confidence shines. The first day is good at work too... but after a few days i become quiet and scared stiff/scared of doing silly things and HATE being new because of all the mistakes that are made!

 

[Havocan]

Yes. This is also how I am, minus the jumping from job to job since I am but a student at the moment. Going to school and work {I've had summer jobs} is horrible, I wake up every morning and start dreading the social interaction that is to come. Even though it's just being with the same old classmates as always, it's awful. It's like I have to charge the batteries every time I'm about to encounter someone, whether it's just a friend or some colleagues at work/school.
I don't know how it feels like during a job interview but I cannot say I'm looking forward to it. Most likely I'll not think about it that much until the day arrives, then I'll probably panic and perform lousy. The first time with new people is mostly good, since I can talk to people easily, but then, after some time I end up pushing everyone away or I feel they push me away. Basically the same thing as with you.

Would be nice to know if you'd encountered some sort of miracle cure for this :roll:.