Too negative/untrusting to make friends or be social.
- Thread starter Mrs_G
- Start date
omygosh!! Mrs. G!! im simply amazed at how similar situation mine is to that of urs!! i read all ur msgs & i was like yup thts me & thts me....i'm 24. i hv a husband who i absolutely have fun with & im just soo comfortable around him. we hv a laugh we go out fo dinner we do stuffs which doesnt normally bother me. But i feel so out of place when im in other pplz company. especially at work, i feel like i have nothin 2 say at lunch breaks. i spend my time hving converstaion with them in my own head or trying to think what to say to them. i try 2 avoid them as much as possible. wen i do talk i go all red n hot n sweaty...i try to avoid social outing wit work ppl as much as possible. i alwys used 2 wonder y is it fun for other ppl n torture fo me??? now i kno the answer. im embarrassed to evn go n talk 2 my doctor as i think she'll judge me & she'll think im sad!! im losing all ma old frenz coz i keep thinkin they're talking bad things abt me. i would love 2 hv best friends but i cant make friends..all ppl tht i kno i only hv this polite relationship with them! anyway, the only difference between us is tht i'm not pregnant YET...congrats btw!!
SmartCat
Member
I can relate too, I'm the same, I have a husband and family who I socialise with with little or no problems and I can get on fine with easy going, good natured people, but put me in a situation with people I don't know very well, who are gossipy, judgemental and generally think a lot of themselves and I find it so incredibly hard to relax. I think it's because I want these people to like me and think of me as equal to them, but deep down I feel I'm not likeable or equal to them - I know that it really shouldn't matter whether these people like me or not, and I'm sure that even the most confident people come across others that don't like them, they just don't let it bother them too much. Whereas for me if I get the impression something thinks badly of me it a bludgeons my fragile ego into pieces.
To be honest with you I got worse when I got pregnant, I had a difficult preganancy and was unable to go out a lot due to severe sickness, when baby was born I was so happy and I didn't care about anyone other than my baby and hubby for a while, but eventually I found myself feeling even more insecure, because I started worrying about protecting my baby from all the horrible people 'out there'. Also because I gave up work I had no schedule, no reason to go outside and meet people and it was too easy to just stay at home with baby. The reason I tell you this is so that you can be aware of it and try and head it off before it happens.
As by daughter grew up and started to need social interaction I sort of transfered my anxiety onto her, I'd get really upset when other children were mean to my daughter and felt I should protect her from that - which is totally the wrong thing to do - I realised that unless I let her get used to the fact that people are always going to find fault, be mean, etc., she will end up feeling like I do. What I do now is try to instill enough confidence in her so that she will be able to hold her head high regardless of what others say/do/think, hopefully, she will know inside that she's just as good as everyone else.
There's never going to come a time when everyone I meet is totally into me, doesn't judge me and is never cruel, I either have to learn to accept it and not take it to heart or continue hiding from it.
To be honest with you I got worse when I got pregnant, I had a difficult preganancy and was unable to go out a lot due to severe sickness, when baby was born I was so happy and I didn't care about anyone other than my baby and hubby for a while, but eventually I found myself feeling even more insecure, because I started worrying about protecting my baby from all the horrible people 'out there'. Also because I gave up work I had no schedule, no reason to go outside and meet people and it was too easy to just stay at home with baby. The reason I tell you this is so that you can be aware of it and try and head it off before it happens.
As by daughter grew up and started to need social interaction I sort of transfered my anxiety onto her, I'd get really upset when other children were mean to my daughter and felt I should protect her from that - which is totally the wrong thing to do - I realised that unless I let her get used to the fact that people are always going to find fault, be mean, etc., she will end up feeling like I do. What I do now is try to instill enough confidence in her so that she will be able to hold her head high regardless of what others say/do/think, hopefully, she will know inside that she's just as good as everyone else.
There's never going to come a time when everyone I meet is totally into me, doesn't judge me and is never cruel, I either have to learn to accept it and not take it to heart or continue hiding from it.
D
Darrell
Guest
People are as they are; we either accept that fact and stop expecting/hoping they will change to suit us and our needs or we spend our lives agonising over why they make us feel uncomfortable. Mrs G, I sympathise with your problems, but calling other people 'retarded', laughing at them or saying you hate them - even as a joke between you and your husband - isn't going to help you feel more positive or more confident. A kind and tolerant attitude towards others will help you more; can't you try to see the good in others rather than criticise them unkindly behind their backs? You say you're afraid others will talk about you behind you back, but isn't that basically what you're doing too? There's no actual harm in doing so, it's part of human nature, but you can talk about other people in a kind way, you don't have to be mean about them or call them names.
I'm sorry to be so forthright, but I just felt I had to try to get over the message that there's no such thing as perfection in this world; if you want a normal life, interacting with other people on a daily basis, you'll find you have to deal with people you may not like much, feel inferior to or have nothing in common with. But so what? THEY don't make you feel uncomfortable, it's your reaction to them that does that. Don't blame other people for having a personality that you don't like; they were born with that personality, just as you were born with yours. The old cliche 'It'd be a bad job if we were all alike' is so true - can you imagine a world peopled by people all alike in their behaviour? Scary thought!
So please, stop thinking so much of your own feelings and criticising/name-calling other people, just because you can't cope with their personality. Try a little kindness; aim to say or do something nice to everyone you meet for just one day as an experiment and see how you feel. I don't mean go over the top and turn into a 'too sweet to be wholesome' person; just decide to be friendly and nice and kind for one day and if you can't think or say anything nice about each person then try not to think or talk about them at all. I got this tip from a friend many years ago and have tried to put it into practice since then. I've been amazed at how differently I feel since I stopped seeing other people as the problem and instead decided to see them as individuals who need kindness as much as I do. I've got back more kindness than I ever thought possible, but best of all I've got back my liking for other people. I've seen that under the facade of confidence most people have doubts and fears and most want to be liked. Yes, there are some who genuinely seem to be arrogant and rude and who wouldn't recognise a kind word if it jumped up and bit them on the nose, but believe me they're very much in the minority and you don't need to waste your time thinking about them or fretting over why they are as they are. But the majority of people are truly nice.
Sorry for such a long post, but I'm simply passing through and thought it was worth taking the time to give my views and my advice. No one need take my advice, of course - I won't ever know if anyone does so I won't be offended if they don't! Just remember - kindness is king!
I'm sorry to be so forthright, but I just felt I had to try to get over the message that there's no such thing as perfection in this world; if you want a normal life, interacting with other people on a daily basis, you'll find you have to deal with people you may not like much, feel inferior to or have nothing in common with. But so what? THEY don't make you feel uncomfortable, it's your reaction to them that does that. Don't blame other people for having a personality that you don't like; they were born with that personality, just as you were born with yours. The old cliche 'It'd be a bad job if we were all alike' is so true - can you imagine a world peopled by people all alike in their behaviour? Scary thought!
So please, stop thinking so much of your own feelings and criticising/name-calling other people, just because you can't cope with their personality. Try a little kindness; aim to say or do something nice to everyone you meet for just one day as an experiment and see how you feel. I don't mean go over the top and turn into a 'too sweet to be wholesome' person; just decide to be friendly and nice and kind for one day and if you can't think or say anything nice about each person then try not to think or talk about them at all. I got this tip from a friend many years ago and have tried to put it into practice since then. I've been amazed at how differently I feel since I stopped seeing other people as the problem and instead decided to see them as individuals who need kindness as much as I do. I've got back more kindness than I ever thought possible, but best of all I've got back my liking for other people. I've seen that under the facade of confidence most people have doubts and fears and most want to be liked. Yes, there are some who genuinely seem to be arrogant and rude and who wouldn't recognise a kind word if it jumped up and bit them on the nose, but believe me they're very much in the minority and you don't need to waste your time thinking about them or fretting over why they are as they are. But the majority of people are truly nice.
Sorry for such a long post, but I'm simply passing through and thought it was worth taking the time to give my views and my advice. No one need take my advice, of course - I won't ever know if anyone does so I won't be offended if they don't! Just remember - kindness is king!