hustonwest
New member
hi. i'm new to this site. be forewarned, this is gonna be a loooong post 
so, i've been dealing with anxiety/depression for a long time. i first was put on psych meds back in high school for just depression i believe. since then, its been a roller coaster of upping dosages, switching meds and combining them in chemical cocktails. its always felt like the doctor is throwing darts blindfolded when it came to prescribing them.
my first recollection of the anxiety being bad was when i went off to college. i have always been shy, but at school, i felt so overwhelmed. and then i started drinking. of course every party involved booze, and i clung to it for dear life. in the decade since, i drank continuously. at first, to act as a (much needed!) social lubricant, then by myself. up to when i quit, i was drinking all day, most every day. it was the only surefire way to quell my anxiety. my boozing caused a lot of heartache and trouble.
i have no problem admitting i drank ALCOHOLICALLY, and that if i had continued, i would have ended up a "true alcoholic". but after reading many accounts from the AA literature and hearing many "shares" at many meetings, i never fully identified with the label of a "true alcoholic" who could not stop drinking without help. when i put down the bottle 5 months ago, i made that decision on my own and have stuck to it. i don't believe im in denial, because for years, i eagerly claimed the "alcoholic" label because i believed "at last, i know whats wrong with me and now all i have to do is work the program and i'll be normal!" and so i started going to meetings, read the literature, got a sponsor and began the steps.
two months ago, i started "freaking out" on the new meds my doctor put me on, and after reading up on the history and long term effects of psychotropic meds in general, i decided to give "no meds" a try. after all, i'd kicked booze and cigerettes, i was on a roll!
but these past months since dropping the meds have been HELL! so much so that i've been seriously contemplating going back to drinking to alleviate my anxiety. so i caved about a week ago and went back on my meds. meanwhile, since going off the meds, i've been going to less AA meetings as a result of anxiety and general discomfort being around folks, plus i wasn't making any connections or participating in fellowship (hanging out before and after meetings). and every time i'd bring up my discomfort, i was given the same tired old platitudes "keep coming back", "work the steps", etcetera...
SO. in light of my past romance with demon liquor, i fully agree that i should probably never drink again. since my anxiety is so all-consuming, i eventually end up boozing (read: self medicating) constantly just to feel normal. of course, getting "bombed" occasionally, but mostly taking nips throughout the day when feeling anxious. i'm fully willing to go back to AA and full-heartedly "work the steps" if thats what it takes, but i see now that my main issue is my omnipresent social anxiety and that the alcohol abuse was merely an unhealthy side effect.
like i said, i went back on zoloft about a week ago despite my desire to go it drug free, because the anxiety and isolation is driving me insane. and i recently got in touch with a therapist and plan on restarting therapy after months of none. i just feel like AA meetings everyday are a waste of time for ME and that i need to attack my underlying problem of social anxiety. maybe hold onto going to occasional meetings weekly to keep perspective and to socialize with sober people, that is once i get the anxiety under control and can benefit from meetings and "fellowship".
i wanted to bounce this rambling account out there and see what other people think. like i said, i just joined the site and havent read any threads, so maybe there are other posts like this but i just needed to get my two cents out there. thanks ya'll!
so, i've been dealing with anxiety/depression for a long time. i first was put on psych meds back in high school for just depression i believe. since then, its been a roller coaster of upping dosages, switching meds and combining them in chemical cocktails. its always felt like the doctor is throwing darts blindfolded when it came to prescribing them.
my first recollection of the anxiety being bad was when i went off to college. i have always been shy, but at school, i felt so overwhelmed. and then i started drinking. of course every party involved booze, and i clung to it for dear life. in the decade since, i drank continuously. at first, to act as a (much needed!) social lubricant, then by myself. up to when i quit, i was drinking all day, most every day. it was the only surefire way to quell my anxiety. my boozing caused a lot of heartache and trouble.
i have no problem admitting i drank ALCOHOLICALLY, and that if i had continued, i would have ended up a "true alcoholic". but after reading many accounts from the AA literature and hearing many "shares" at many meetings, i never fully identified with the label of a "true alcoholic" who could not stop drinking without help. when i put down the bottle 5 months ago, i made that decision on my own and have stuck to it. i don't believe im in denial, because for years, i eagerly claimed the "alcoholic" label because i believed "at last, i know whats wrong with me and now all i have to do is work the program and i'll be normal!" and so i started going to meetings, read the literature, got a sponsor and began the steps.
two months ago, i started "freaking out" on the new meds my doctor put me on, and after reading up on the history and long term effects of psychotropic meds in general, i decided to give "no meds" a try. after all, i'd kicked booze and cigerettes, i was on a roll!
but these past months since dropping the meds have been HELL! so much so that i've been seriously contemplating going back to drinking to alleviate my anxiety. so i caved about a week ago and went back on my meds. meanwhile, since going off the meds, i've been going to less AA meetings as a result of anxiety and general discomfort being around folks, plus i wasn't making any connections or participating in fellowship (hanging out before and after meetings). and every time i'd bring up my discomfort, i was given the same tired old platitudes "keep coming back", "work the steps", etcetera...
SO. in light of my past romance with demon liquor, i fully agree that i should probably never drink again. since my anxiety is so all-consuming, i eventually end up boozing (read: self medicating) constantly just to feel normal. of course, getting "bombed" occasionally, but mostly taking nips throughout the day when feeling anxious. i'm fully willing to go back to AA and full-heartedly "work the steps" if thats what it takes, but i see now that my main issue is my omnipresent social anxiety and that the alcohol abuse was merely an unhealthy side effect.
like i said, i went back on zoloft about a week ago despite my desire to go it drug free, because the anxiety and isolation is driving me insane. and i recently got in touch with a therapist and plan on restarting therapy after months of none. i just feel like AA meetings everyday are a waste of time for ME and that i need to attack my underlying problem of social anxiety. maybe hold onto going to occasional meetings weekly to keep perspective and to socialize with sober people, that is once i get the anxiety under control and can benefit from meetings and "fellowship".
i wanted to bounce this rambling account out there and see what other people think. like i said, i just joined the site and havent read any threads, so maybe there are other posts like this but i just needed to get my two cents out there. thanks ya'll!
