time to give up

[nlockwood]

Right so I'm 17 and I really want to kill myself, I have tried on many occasions but just not had the guts to do it. All I think about all day is when I can cut myself again for that short time of feeling "on top of the world" . I have begun to take pain killers (about 4 or 5 at a time) and it has a similar effect to cutting myself but still doesn't do a lot. I have tried therapy, it isn't' working and each day just gets harder and harder. I'm the sort of person that no one could guess I'm depressed, I seem like the happy one. A part of this depression is the face I have no friends, and I mean no friends I finish work and sit at home ll night, my social anxiety stops me from going out. I have only had sex once, only had one girl friend, not someone I liked just someone I sort of settled for but that didn't last long. I was bullied throughout school, on my own, some days I wouldn't eat just so I didn't have to sit eating on my own. I have had to deal with a lot of death, some of which made me feel guilty because someone like me, hating life, gets to live but popular people with loads of friends and like life die. Anyway back to the whole killing myself thing. I was going to do it before 2013 but I ended up with a girl friend (she had car at my work, she was someone who I went to school with and my bosses neighbour so something like that will never happen again) so I didn't kill myself but that only lasted a month or so so I am wanting to give it to the middle of summer but I have a feeling that i might not make it until the end of next week.
If I could meet a girl who I liked that would allow me to get into a social life but none of that is going to happen because of my social anxiety and if I did find someone they would run a mile after seeing the scars on my arm. Anyway I'm miles away from any sort of hospital and probably will end up on the flyover above the A64 ready to end everything.

 

[gummybear22]

i'd focus on makin friendgirls and friendboys rather than a girlfriend, and you can do that just by sayin stuff on here-posts, chatbox. i've made several friends, and a few close ones, and all are from this site. i don't have any hangout friends in real life, just class friends. so here is where i get most of my interaction.
this site has random spurts of action, so patience is necessary. what's some stuff you like to do or would do if you had someone to do it with? not girlfriendy things, to be clear.

 

[nlockwood]

I don't know, just hang out. Do stuff. This site may be good for making friends and I will try it but I need interaction with real people as well and there is where my problem lies.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You're still very young. A lot of people on this site never had a girlfriend and they're much older than you. I think you should change therapists and find someone that's a better match for you.
Give yourself more time (as in years!). You still have a lot of growing up to do and you would be cutting your life far too short. Maybe try a site like meetup.com or go to a community college and take some classes. There you can join a club and meet people.

 

[gummybear22]

i need/want interaction with real life people too. i'd lOve a few hang out friends, but i'm not gonna go ask class friends to hang out cuz that's too out of jive with how i do things. wish i could meet some of my online peeps, but that's almost impossible-yet i still keep hope! cuz i need hope.

 

[Lou-s-Darkness]

gummybear22 and ImNotMyIllness definitely have a point.

It definitely sucks to be alone and not really be in a relationship, but most of us here have no real friends and have never been in a relationship. I do also think that no one would want me because I have scars on my arm...they might think I'm a freak, but I just stopped caring at this point. I felt the same thing you felt when I was 17. And my problems did get worse from there, but I tried to cope and saw things from a different perspective. When you get older you'll understand. Nothing is easy, but sometimes we just have to go through it. Remember that living means you are fighting a battle that you want to win. Quitting isn't a good solution, even though it is tempting. For now just rethink your priorities and do the things you love even if you are alone. I'm trying to make friends on this site, and it's hard to do, because I still feel insecure. But you know what? I am determined. Determination can take you places. Please don't give up. And if you ever need to talk I'll gladly be your friend. :3

 

[MikeyC]

Give yourself more time (as in years!).

Yeah, teenage years are wrought with spastic emotions and feelings, not knowing what to do, and all that sort of fun stuff. It's not unusual to have just one girlfriend at 17, either, and there's going to be more where she came from.

Hang in there, buddy. You're not supposed to have things sorted out yet. Give it lots of time to find out who you are and what you want out of life.

 

[SilentBird]

I felt like giving up in my late teens. I am glad I didn't because I would have missed out on so much.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

When I was nineteen years old, I fell under great depression and felt like giving up too. So much has happened since than and I learned a lot out of life. Keep us updated on how you're feeling.

 

[nlockwood]

Thanks everyone, I have given it more and more time before, I have attempted to take my own life on several occasions and things just get worse.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks everyone, I have given it more and more time before, I have attempted to take my own life on several occasions and things just get worse.

You have to think about what you want and go for it. What have you got to lose?

 

[theslowesthand]

This past year or so, and especially the last 3-4 months, i have been getting almost to the brink of "giving up" on life (thoughts of specific ways to end life), as every single day was "a day in hell", and life has been getting harder and harder and harder to the point where i believed that there are zero options left & zero hope. But yet again, i have managed to get thru the "eye of the needle", or the "thin end of the wedge". Yes, i do get myself into pretty dire predicatments on a regular basis. Digging myself deep into a pit of no-escape, with the only way out being the hard way (ie no quick/easy escape shaft).

It really is an "artform" to survive/handle depression & suicidal stuff. And there are some things i've found necessary & useful, when in such "deep deep sh*t". Some are general, some specific. But basically, when things are as bad as they can get, one really has to change (temporarily at least) to a different way of being or living, so as to get through it. Currently, my new system seems to be working okay, if i combine the general with specific ways.

General: This is the general way i'm dealing with life now:
• If the present moment is hard to get thru, just focus right on getting thru the present moment, one moment to the next moment
If the present moment is bearable, try to get thru the next few minutes
If the last few minutes have been bearable, try to get thru the next hour
If the last hour has been bearable, try to get thru the few hours (eg afternoon)
If the last few hours has been bearable, try to get thru the whole day
If the last day has been bearable, try to get thru the next day
If the last few days have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the week
If the last week has been bearable, try to get thru the next week
If the last few weeks have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the month
If the last month has been bearable, try to get thru the next month
If the last few months have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the year
(And at any point in time, if things turn bad, then return to the top (present moment), and once again start building-on from there)

Specific: Here are a few specific things i have changed (or stepped-up):
• Back on medication
• Getting much more bed-rest (& :. thinking/nothing-time)
• More soothing stuff (instrumental music, ..)
• Thinking more about my feelings in the present moment (putting them first; trying to uncover what's "behind" them)
• Studying some religion/metaphysics/self-help/.. every day (if can)
• Constantly on the look-out for any inspiration/answers i can glean from my daily life (eg music, tv, reading, web)

There's MUCH more to "beating one's demons" than the above, but i think those are a good place to start the "recovery process".

 

[MikeyC]

• Getting much more bed-rest

I don't think many people realise how vital a good night's sleep is. It's imperative that we get at least 8 hours of deep, unbroken sleep every night. I know that when I'm low on sleep, I get moody and depressed far easier.

 

[nlockwood]

More time? I don't have years... Thursday? Seems as good of day as any. If things don't want to improve by then I will just assume that if anything controls our lives, if our loved lost ones are supposed to watch over us, its obviously their plan for me to die. I'm not religious but this last chance I'm giving life I'm leaving up to that.

 

[SilentBird]

What can you yourself improve?

 

[nlockwood]

Nothing I can do. I have tried everything. It is now left up to how other people want to treat me and how they want to feel about me. This would only be a start on the things that need to get better but all I need is a sign, some hope, something to begin to take this constant excruciating pain away.

 

[rosewood]

This past year or so, and especially the last 3-4 months, i have been getting almost to the brink of "giving up" on life (thoughts of specific ways to end life), as every single day was "a day in hell", and life has been getting harder and harder and harder to the point where i believed that there are zero options left & zero hope. But yet again, i have managed to get thru the "eye of the needle", or the "thin end of the wedge". Yes, i do get myself into pretty dire predicatments on a regular basis. Digging myself deep into a pit of no-escape, with the only way out being the hard way (ie no quick/easy escape shaft).

It really is an "artform" to survive/handle depression & suicidal stuff. And there are some things i've found necessary & useful, when in such "deep deep sh*t". Some are general, some specific. But basically, when things are as bad as they can get, one really has to change (temporarily at least) to a different way of being or living, so as to get through it. Currently, my new system seems to be working okay, if i combine the general with specific ways.

General: This is the general way i'm dealing with life now:
• If the present moment is hard to get thru, just focus right on getting thru the present moment, one moment to the next moment
If the present moment is bearable, try to get thru the next few minutes
If the last few minutes have been bearable, try to get thru the next hour
If the last hour has been bearable, try to get thru the few hours (eg afternoon)
If the last few hours has been bearable, try to get thru the whole day
If the last day has been bearable, try to get thru the next day
If the last few days have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the week
If the last week has been bearable, try to get thru the next week
If the last few weeks have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the month
If the last month has been bearable, try to get thru the next month
If the last few months have been bearable, try to get thru the rest of the year
(And at any point in time, if things turn bad, then return to the top (present moment), and once again start building-on from there)

Specific: Here are a few specific things i have changed (or stepped-up):
• Back on medication
• Getting much more bed-rest (& :. thinking/nothing-time)
• More soothing stuff (instrumental music, ..)
• Thinking more about my feelings in the present moment (putting them first; trying to uncover what's "behind" them)
• Studying some religion/metaphysics/self-help/.. every day (if can)
• Constantly on the look-out for any inspiration/answers i can glean from my daily life (eg music, tv, reading, web)

There's MUCH more to "beating one's demons" than the above, but i think those are a good place to start the "recovery process".

this is a very good reply. i especially like the thought process on how to inch your way through the difficult moments by focusing on getting through increments of time. the ideas on treating yourself with home remedies is also really effective... i hope some of these work for you. there is a life line with your name on it out there that will hook you and pull you up. :thumbup:

 

[theslowesthand]

Nothing I can do. I have tried everything. It is now left up to how other people want to treat me and how they want to feel about me. This would only be a start on the things that need to get better but all I need is a sign, some hope, something to begin to take this constant excruciating pain away.

With the greatest respect, nobody can ever try all possible ways out there to get better. So, as if on a stony beach, it is impossible to not leave any stones unturned - there are ALWAYS more things to uncover in life, it really is neverending.

You are "subconsciously" telling people to treat you as they do.

When one is suffering a lot, on a regular basis, with the small pleasures very far and few between, then life will most likely seem not worth living. But there are in fact positives to gain from all this suffering. If you learn from it, then your soul evolves, and that's a very good thing. The thing is, the more you suffer, the more you (can) grow. And the more you grow, the closer you are to returning to "the source" ("home" so to speak). To learn about suffering, you must go deep within yourself, and go "past" the state of suffering. May i suggest some of Echart Tolle's works?
There's a strong pattern in me that doesn't want to live anymore. Can you please advise me? - YouTube
Eckhart Tolle - Why Do We Suffer - YouTube
Eckhart Tolle - Suffering and the End of Suffering - YouTube
Eckhart Tolle TV: What is the purpose of mental illness? - YouTube