UnOccupied
Well-known member
Hey guys, havn't posted in a while, but here goes. So, i've been feeling a lot better lately. I recently finished up a CBT program that took me four months, and i feel a lot better. I can say that i now know i can comfortably cope with just about any social situation much better than i could before i started the program. I have actually been having some success with women over the past few months too! 
(wow, i never even really gave myself enough credit for this one, but i really was in a deep pit in the two years before i did this cbt program)
Anyway, the reason i am posting is because even with all the progress i have made, i still need help, and i guess i am a little frustrated. Like, some of my worst social anxiety things still haunt me. Like, i still have trouble looking people in the eyes, and talking to certain people. I still don't really feel comfortable with myself. I have trouble talking to people in stores, like employees and stuff. And, i guess im just a little nervous about these things because im finishing college soon, and will soon have to find a job and be all on my own financially, and i don't know if im ready for this just yet.
And, i don't know how to explain this one well, but i never feel truly happy. Like, i have moments of happiness, and share many good laughs with my friends, but it seems like my negative self image(the fact that i don't think im normal like all my other friends) just drags me down so much more than my happiness gets me up.
I think my negative self image comes a lot from my upbringing. I was always shy growing up, but i was good looking, so i managed to have some girls like me in middle school and high school. But, late in high school, i started to feel depressed a lot, but i didn't know what i was feeling. When i got to college it only got worse. Since my family is one of covering everything up, i couldn't talk to anyone about it, again making me feel worse. Then, i finally gained up the courage to see a school social worker. They told me i was just depressed, so i said okay, and went on AD's, to no avail obviously. So, this whole period of my escalating depression and no one telling me what was actually wrong with me led me to believe that i was not normal, and some kind of burden on people socially. So pretty much when i was younger, i was shy but always managed to get by with my looks, and when i got comfortable with people i could be myself. Actually, when i was myself, i was extremely funny, and everyone seemed to love me. I would actually talk on the phone to guys and girls for hours upon end when i was younger. But, as you can see, the downward cycle of high school disappointment, let downs in college, and no one knowing what was wrong with me, coupled with my closed family communication, has led me into the SA spiral.
Now, i think that whole last paragraph i just said has a lot to do with the self image or core beliefs about myself. I believe that these beliefs i have are weighing me down, and no allowing me to change fully into the person i want to be. Yes, the CBT did help, A LOT. But, the self image thing always seems to overpower the positive steps i have made.
Now, since i did in fact used to be normal, i know i that this cycle of depression which turned into social anxiety can be reversed with some new self beliefs. I think the CBT has helped me to leap over many hurdles, and has changed my life a LOT. But, i still believe i have a long way to go. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I know that social anxiety and shyness and depression are based off lies that we have been taught to believe over our lives. Since this is true, i believe i CAN in fact change, if i keep working at it. It makes sense, right? I mean if i learned these bad habits, who says i can't learn new ones? This is where other people come in.
I don't think i can do this alone. I need some help with learning how to create a better self image, and let go of those false beliefs about myself. I know it won't be easy. It may take several uncomfortable conversations, but i know it can be done. I don't know if its going to happen overnight, by reading a certain self help book. I think it may take a few months of talking with someone i really trust. And, i am not talking about a therapist here, i'm talking about a friend, or a relative, something like that. I feel i have SO much built up garbage in my head, and i need to clear this cr@p out, and replace it with the truth. I don't know how to make this happen, but i have a feeling that is how i will truly truly get better.
Man, its tough having mental disorders. They zap all the friggin energy out of you while making you feel like your an alien for feeling this way. Or maybe thats just my parents old ways of raising me, lol. But, after completing CBT, i think i realized that everyones SA is different. Like the CBT is good and all, but i think i am perfectly capable of speaking to other people, its just my negative self beliefs that get in the way. Like, i don't tremble or get red and stuff when talking to people, i just sort of clam up and think im from outer space. I think this is because i am scared of different things than most with SA.
Anyway, i'm sure i could keep writing for hours, but im going to leave it at that for now. So, if anyone can help me get over this final(and probably the hardest) hurdle, i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading my short story here, i really do appreciate it.
(wow, i never even really gave myself enough credit for this one, but i really was in a deep pit in the two years before i did this cbt program) Anyway, the reason i am posting is because even with all the progress i have made, i still need help, and i guess i am a little frustrated. Like, some of my worst social anxiety things still haunt me. Like, i still have trouble looking people in the eyes, and talking to certain people. I still don't really feel comfortable with myself. I have trouble talking to people in stores, like employees and stuff. And, i guess im just a little nervous about these things because im finishing college soon, and will soon have to find a job and be all on my own financially, and i don't know if im ready for this just yet.
And, i don't know how to explain this one well, but i never feel truly happy. Like, i have moments of happiness, and share many good laughs with my friends, but it seems like my negative self image(the fact that i don't think im normal like all my other friends) just drags me down so much more than my happiness gets me up.
I think my negative self image comes a lot from my upbringing. I was always shy growing up, but i was good looking, so i managed to have some girls like me in middle school and high school. But, late in high school, i started to feel depressed a lot, but i didn't know what i was feeling. When i got to college it only got worse. Since my family is one of covering everything up, i couldn't talk to anyone about it, again making me feel worse. Then, i finally gained up the courage to see a school social worker. They told me i was just depressed, so i said okay, and went on AD's, to no avail obviously. So, this whole period of my escalating depression and no one telling me what was actually wrong with me led me to believe that i was not normal, and some kind of burden on people socially. So pretty much when i was younger, i was shy but always managed to get by with my looks, and when i got comfortable with people i could be myself. Actually, when i was myself, i was extremely funny, and everyone seemed to love me. I would actually talk on the phone to guys and girls for hours upon end when i was younger. But, as you can see, the downward cycle of high school disappointment, let downs in college, and no one knowing what was wrong with me, coupled with my closed family communication, has led me into the SA spiral.
Now, i think that whole last paragraph i just said has a lot to do with the self image or core beliefs about myself. I believe that these beliefs i have are weighing me down, and no allowing me to change fully into the person i want to be. Yes, the CBT did help, A LOT. But, the self image thing always seems to overpower the positive steps i have made.
Now, since i did in fact used to be normal, i know i that this cycle of depression which turned into social anxiety can be reversed with some new self beliefs. I think the CBT has helped me to leap over many hurdles, and has changed my life a LOT. But, i still believe i have a long way to go. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I know that social anxiety and shyness and depression are based off lies that we have been taught to believe over our lives. Since this is true, i believe i CAN in fact change, if i keep working at it. It makes sense, right? I mean if i learned these bad habits, who says i can't learn new ones? This is where other people come in.
I don't think i can do this alone. I need some help with learning how to create a better self image, and let go of those false beliefs about myself. I know it won't be easy. It may take several uncomfortable conversations, but i know it can be done. I don't know if its going to happen overnight, by reading a certain self help book. I think it may take a few months of talking with someone i really trust. And, i am not talking about a therapist here, i'm talking about a friend, or a relative, something like that. I feel i have SO much built up garbage in my head, and i need to clear this cr@p out, and replace it with the truth. I don't know how to make this happen, but i have a feeling that is how i will truly truly get better.
Man, its tough having mental disorders. They zap all the friggin energy out of you while making you feel like your an alien for feeling this way. Or maybe thats just my parents old ways of raising me, lol. But, after completing CBT, i think i realized that everyones SA is different. Like the CBT is good and all, but i think i am perfectly capable of speaking to other people, its just my negative self beliefs that get in the way. Like, i don't tremble or get red and stuff when talking to people, i just sort of clam up and think im from outer space. I think this is because i am scared of different things than most with SA.
Anyway, i'm sure i could keep writing for hours, but im going to leave it at that for now. So, if anyone can help me get over this final(and probably the hardest) hurdle, i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading my short story here, i really do appreciate it.