This or That

[Blannabers]

I am very sorry if this entire entry is very confusing, but the best way to tell you how to decipher it, is to break it into it's parts. You can consider this a rant, or something to ask for help.

With alot of my life, I have always struggled with the idea that I was never good enough. I wasn't good enough to have friends, have a boyfriend, be smart enough to get the job I want, or just be successful overall.

I am 24 years old. I have image issues about myself. I have people tell me that I am a pretty girl, however I know I could use some work. It's hard to look around on the internet and accidentally come across a picture of some really beautiful woman and look at ever single curve of her body. Every stretch of skin, the curl of her lip, the length of her legs... It's hard for me to accept the idea that there are prettier women out there. I have it lodged, like a wooden steak in the head, of the idea that I wont be someone's number 1. The one thing that they have to go to to make everything better. Problems, fantasies, support...

However, on the flip-side, I battle with myself of the idea that I am actually pretty cool. I'm gonna be honest, I sometimes think I'm a good time and I am worthy to be anyone's best friend... Yet I'm not. I have this constant fight with myself that I am worthy, then I'm not, then I am, then I'm not.

I don't understand why I have this war with myself. I don't have many friends (then ones I do are online) and just recently, I found out a guy I really really liked, is dating someone (who I believe is... get this... 'better than me in every possible way') and I just cut off all ties with him and refuse to talk to him at work. I can't even look at him because I thought we were that close and I was completely wrong.

One other thing about this guy is that I thought I finally found my little nook. I found somewhere to belong. Some people to be nerds with, because I'm a hardcore gamer who is 'cool' to talk to, but I just can't seem to 'become one' with their little pack. I am completely frustrated and it's to the point of me finding another job, praying that the art school in Philly takes me, and move without a word. So I guess you can boil it down to 'running away'. I have no idea how to deal with it, handle it, or fix it. I don't see how I can.

 

[Sora]

Wow! you sound just like me! In my head it's a constant battledfield but most days I can just get over it and accept that I am never going to be happy with how I look. All I can suggest is stop looking (or try to) at all these pretty women online and in magazine and stuff because 1. they are fake 2. photoshopped to hell! and 3. overated!! Even the guys are! but I tend not to look at guys lol, if I can help it but sometimes even those are advertised in places, luckily it's mostly women lol.

Your you, just be you, that is the most important thing, don't become what they are fake pieces of crap covered in make up. Be real! I love it when a girl is naturally gorgeous without make up but unfortunately not many have shown that to me lol, a few have but most are too insecure. It's not just women though, I constantly feel like I am ugly but some rare days I feel ok and I know I have other qualities besides looks. It looks like your a guy too, I thought I was the only one who thought like this lol.

You sound awesome to me, I just wish more women I knew where into gaming, hang in there, not much you can do other than try to block out everything society flings in our faces other than just trying to go on and accepting yourself. I bet your beautiful to someone so try not to worry so much about your looks and welcome to the forum!