this is ruining my life

[lovejasmine]

To those who are employed in the medical field or just want to hear my story...

My social anxiety disorder is running my life.

I'm a freshman majoring in pharmacy.

I don’t know why I’m even posting this on the Internet.I just feel really frustrated and angry because of my social anxiety issues. I’m not medically diagnosed by my doctor but I think I have it. The thing is, I’m in college right now. I’m a freshman. I’m going to be kicked out of the pharmacy program because of it. & the thing is, I really do want to become a pharmacist. I also want to make my parents proud. Now that I’m getting kicked out, I’m letting them down. I feel horrible because I want to show them I can become something. They sacrificed a lot just so I can get a good education and now I’m getting kicked out.

The trouble began when I started dorming. In hindsight, I should have known I couldn’t dorm. Back in high school, I had my own room and I did my homework there. I had somewhere I can go to for escape, to have some alone time, and just reset myself. For those with social anxiety disorders, I’m sure you know what I mean. I can’t stand being around people 24/7. That’s just not my nature. However, in college, you’re surrounded by people everywhere. In the library. In the dining hall. I felt suffocated. My roommates were awesome but I just couldn’t stand them being there all the time.

This sounds crazy but I hate the fact that I let this get to me. Just because my roommates were there, I couldn’t do my homework. I couldn’t complete my assignments. I know. Why do I even bother living anymore if I can’t do work when other people are around me? I don’t know. I really wanted to do well in college, believe me. I volunteered and I got good grades in high school, good enough to get me into a 6 year pharmacy program that many students want to get into. It’s a really good program because you’re basically guaranteed a job when you graduate. You don’t have to reapply after sophomore year. And I blew it…..I didn’t complete a lot of my assignments for my most important classes. One of them is Stat. It’s an easy class. But I didn’t do the readings or the homework. I failed my Chemistry midterm, which I could have easily gotten an A on because it was similar to Honors Chemistry from high school. I just hate myself for this. Why can’t I be able to work just because other people are around me?

There is no way I can pass my Stats class. I’m such a failure. Also, I talked to my advisor about this but he didn’t really press the issue. He was just like, “So you don’t want to do pharmacy anymore?” & I said “Yes.”, which was a lie but I didn’t want to explain to him. I sound crazy and just messed up.

I guess this is how it should be. I give up. Someone with a mental disorder couldn’t possibly become a pharmacist.

 

[Agent_Violet]

There are lots of people with psychological issues in the medical field.

It sounds like you're dealing with the burden of your problems all by yourself. You're not giving any of the people who love you a chance to help and support you. Is there any way you can talk to them and tell them how much you're suffering inside? Have faith in the people who care for you, they might be able to help you more than you expect.

Is there any sort of extra credit project you can do to get caught up? Usually if a professor knows you really want to succeed they will offer a way for you to make up the work and get a better grade.

 

[lovejasmine]

Thanks for the reply.

No, my family doesn't care. No one cares.

I think my professors sees me as someone who could care less. I guess I was in denial that I was failing and I didn't go talk to her. I just put up that front like that class didn't mean anything to me.

 

[Agent_Violet]

forgive me for not knowing any better, but what makes you feel your family doesn't care? have they done something to give you this idea? I took from reading your post that your family cares very much for you and they want to see you do well so you can have a good life.
It might help them understand why you're struggling if you communicated with them about your feelings and thoughts. I know it's really hard to do that but it could be good for you.

 

[lovejasmine]

Yes, they have.
They care about my education a lot. Not about my well being. There is no way they will understand. My father often likes to me call me crazy.

 

[lovejasmine]

Does anyone else have an opinion? Or at least give me some false hope that it's going to be okay.

 

[lovejasmine]

I can't. I can just imagine how crazy it would sound coming out of my mouth. There are students who dorm and they are doing just fine. Why am I so messed up?

I really feel like giving up. It's only one semester into college and I already f8cked it up. I'm really upset with myself because I honestly do want to do well, get all A's, and..here I am..failing my most important classes...

 

[bsebring]

I defiantly know how you're feeling...
I find it incredibly hard to concentrate on campus when I try to study. It's really hard to retain the information when other people are around making noise. My overall anxiety to do good in college is what's sabotaging me. I'm failing out of anatomy and it's really discouraging. My anxiety is turning into a snowball effect and I don't think I can do it at all anymore.

Sorry, I'm not helping but it's really depressing to know exactly what you want to do with your life and the goal seems impossible to reach.

But Listen...
I'm not sure if this will help at all, but either way we'll get through this. We have six more weeks left and this is only one semester. College is a struggle for everyone and I don't know a lot of people who like it. What you're feeling isn't different from what a lot of people are feeling, you just feel it more because you've been isolated for the past few months.

This is what you want to do so don't give up or give in! I know a lot of people who didn't do good their first semester and became a success story. I think you'll do a lot better next semester if you make a few changes. You know that you'll do better if you live at home and commute to school instead of living in a dorm. Just make a few changes so you're eased into social situations and I think you'll see a big improvement.

 

[lovejasmine]

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it.

The thing is, I talked to my Stats professor and she said there's no way I can pass the class, which means I'll be kicked out of the pharmacy program. You have to pass this basic math course in order to advance into next semester.

My adviser really didn't seem to care at all. He just left it at that when I told him I didn't want to be in the program anymore.

I really hate myself for messing this up.

 

[bsebring]

Can you transfer to another uni? I went to a university that was too big and too much for my personality so I took a year off and transferred to a smaller campus. I'm glad I did because my anxiety attacks went away and the martial is more manageable that it was before...that may be a better option for you if you plan to continue. And in college, the advisors/professors are only thinking about making money so don't let it get to you. They forget what its like.