This is really embarrassing but I need help.

[superario]

I posted this on stuckinadoorway but it seems on that site people hardly give responses. I feel ignored there :: Anyway, this is the cut down version. It was way too long when I first posted it anyway. Enjoy my madness.

You see, us OCD people tend to be wary of germs and that stuff. That's nothing new. And we can have really weird habits associated with that.

For me, I'm not a total germaphobe. I'm clean about some things, obsessively and others not so much. There is some stuff I don't even care about. But the thing about OCD that I hate the most is how you can FEEL the germs there. You know? Nobody without OCD can understand what this is like. You can try to ignore it and go on with your day and no matter how distracted you are, you can literally feel the contamination on yourself.

But the thing that bothers me is the habits I have with hand sanitizer. It feels unhealthy to me the things I have to do to ensure my brain that I am clean and OK. This is beyong embarrassing what I'm about to say.

When my hand gets dirty, I have routines. Different kinds of dirt call for different routines. For some minor things, a rinse is fine. Soap and water. For some other things, wash my hands and then use hand sanitizer and it's a cycle. The therapist I talked to when I said I thought I had OCD told me I was drying my hands out but I don't really care

Anyway, the crazy thing about it is...

A lot of the time, in order for my brain to fully acknowledge the fact that my hands are clean is to...taste them. Ok, I'm not talking about full fledged lick my fingers from top to bottom like they were just dipped in chocolate. No, that's ridiculous. But I constantly find myself having to smell my hands to ensure that they're clean, smell the alcohol or chemicals or whatever to get a good sense that they're being taken care of. But that's usually not enough. I have to touch my finger/hand with my tongue. Just so that I get that strong chemical taste on my tongue and know that yep, I'm covered! I don't know when this started but it's been going on for a long time now. It's like my brain is computing that "If this is clean enough for my tongue to touch then I don't need to worry about it anymore."

I need to feel some kind of sanitized feeling (lol) in order to move on. Smell it and TASTE it. I mean, obviously it's not like I'm drinking hand sanitizer or anything so I'm not saying I'm worried about my health from it but seriously, I mean, that's ridiculous!! I want to stop this but I don't know how, it's a habit I've been doing for so long that life would seem...filthy without it.

:/

But I hate having to do this to fulfill my fantasies. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Does anyone else go through this? I feel like this time it's actually just me.

Sigh.

 

[rbecca]

Hey, i'm not going through the same, but, i have my routines too, just like you, for some things i just use water and soap, some things i use alcohol based hand sanitizer etc.
When i'm at work ( eldery hostel ) i wash a lot of people,and yes, it can get veryyyy filthy. Sometimes,when it's that filthy, i put my whole arms in the sink and wash them with water&soap, then use the alcohol based hand sanitizer on it too. Then i'm good.
Usually, when at home, i use water&soap, but at work it's mostly water,soap and hand sanitizer.
Really though, my hands are open sometimes from washing that much, and it fails because then i have to wear gloves all the time and that fails even more cause it's itchy as F.
So, everytime you washed your hands and 'checked' if it's clean enough, put handlotion on it after doing so.
Because when your hands are open from washing that much, it's even unhealthier (germs/bacteries can get in the little wounds or dry spots, and could cause infections,now that's what you don't want at all)

If you want to get of of the put your tongue on your hand-finger situation,
Then there's stuff for that, i don't know how it's exactly called, but i know parents put it on childrens fingers when they bite their nails. You could also put mustard or sambal on it, anything that doesn't taste very awesome on your tongue. (Sure you'll have the urge to wash your hands again after putting mustard on your hands xD)
So yeah, you should go to a drugstore to see if they have this stuff to put on your hands, if not, then go to the doctor or something,and see what he can do for you :3

 

[superario]

Hey, i'm not going through the same, but, i have my routines too, just like you, for some things i just use water and soap, some things i use alcohol based hand sanitizer etc.
When i'm at work ( eldery hostel ) i wash a lot of people,and yes, it can get veryyyy filthy. Sometimes,when it's that filthy, i put my whole arms in the sink and wash them with water&soap, then use the alcohol based hand sanitizer on it too. Then i'm good.
Usually, when at home, i use water&soap, but at work it's mostly water,soap and hand sanitizer.
Really though, my hands are open sometimes from washing that much, and it fails because then i have to wear gloves all the time and that fails even more cause it's itchy as F.
So, everytime you washed your hands and 'checked' if it's clean enough, put handlotion on it after doing so.
Because when your hands are open from washing that much, it's even unhealthier (germs/bacteries can get in the little wounds or dry spots, and could cause infections,now that's what you don't want at all)

If you want to get of of the put your tongue on your hand-finger situation,
Then there's stuff for that, i don't know how it's exactly called, but i know parents put it on childrens fingers when they bite their nails. You could also put mustard or sambal on it, anything that doesn't taste very awesome on your tongue. (Sure you'll have the urge to wash your hands again after putting mustard on your hands xD)
So yeah, you should go to a drugstore to see if they have this stuff to put on your hands, if not, then go to the doctor or something,and see what he can do for you :3

Thanks rbecca.

Not sure if I could EVER handle working somewhere like you do. I would be losing my mind if I was there. Old people are cute but man oh man are they messy. :: And I can't stand the smell of those places. Like a hospital. So sterile.

Anyway, I despise mustard and I think it's a good idea but you're right. I would be washing my hands more than ever and not sure how I could function with mustard over me, especially since I'm usually on the computer. Wouldn't want mustard anywhere near the internet

Besides, mustard smells and my hands can only smell like hand sanitizer. When they smell, whether good or bad, I have to constantly smell them! Irritating as H. That's why I can only use unscented hand sanitizers.

I'll look into that nail thing though. If not, then I'm just going to start therapy, lol. I think I really do need it.

Thanks for the reply! I was so anxious waiting for someone to read it. I just needed to get it all out because this is one of the top things that disturbs me about my condition.

 

[Feathers]

lol I don't lick my hands, especially after any kind of 'sanitizer' or even soap (if I can avoid it).

There are some iffy chemicals in some sanitizers, so you're probably not doing yourself any good. And also, think about it, you have a 'sanitized' area and you're putting germs from your tongue there? :: lol

I get annoyed if I manage to lick my fingers accidentally, when eating or preparing food or something, and have to go wash again. and yeah soaps etc can dry and 'destroy' skin, some people from this forum said they had chapped and red skin, some 'till blood... If the skin gets too cracked and too damaged, it can also become 'easy entry' for fungi or bacteria/germs..
So it's actually healthier to wash less... (Cause it improves skin health.)
Different soaps and detergents are different about drying hands too, some are better than others...

There was a study that soap is enough for most things (in a household where people are healthy), antibacterial soap actually made things worse: it created 'superbugs' and killed the plain good or not-so-bad bacteria that can help build your immune system... And you don't want 'superbugs' trust me...

It also helps me to put some hand cream on hands (plain is okay). And it tastes bad so maybe it would stop you from licking too? lol

Not sure what kind of help you are asking for? Do you want to stop licking your hands or what? ::

 

[rbecca]

Yeah true, i wouldn't like mustard on my keyboard either :0
And yeah, maybe there's an unscented nail thingy, they're mostly known for smelling and tasting awful though, but there's always a chance they have a unscented one that just tastes awful.
I hope you can find something! Otherwise, therapy might indeed be okay

Hahaa, i never really had problems with cleaning/washing people, you get used to the smell too, but still it's yukky Hospitals actually do smell better :3 unless you're in an operation room, wounds can smell very bad too, and i can tell ;p i see wounds to the bone sometimes. I think it's interesting, and i can deal with it, i wanna be an operation assistant sometime lol !
Ugh yeah, you don't wanna know :x

I'm very glad i could help you atleast a bit ^^

 

[superario]

Lol @feathers.

I know, I've just washed my hands and then contaminated them with my nasty mouth germs. But regardless, my brain just doesn't want to listen to rationality. It's stubborn that way.

I really do think I will get therapy. I have too many problems, too many of those that are weird, lol.