FadeToBlack
New member
I don't know anymore.
I'm 24, going to be graduating from college next semester...but I kind of have a useless degree, so coupled with my SA the odds on me finding a job aren't that good.
But anyway. For years now I had convinced myself that although I am alone, and probably not relationship material (Im very introverted and never been in a serious relationship), that's fine as long as I find other things to make me happy. For one reason or another (SA + me having to move cities often) I do not have many friends - in fact only one close one, and he lives far away. But I keep myself mostly busy with hobbies, some volunteer work, combined with a small part-time job and classes....living on, you know. I reasoned with myself that that's more than enough, many people are worse off, I should be thankful for what I have...
And then...I met this girl at my part time job the other day. That seemed different, that shared my interests, that was pretty, smart, fun, good....you know the deal.
So despite my reasoning, I wanted to ask her out. Just try it, what do I have to lose, you know? The trouble is, because of some scheduling changes, I haven't seen her in a while, and don't know when I will again...
Which at first was only frustrating, but then it got me on a train of thought that's heading deep into depression territory right now. I know that this girl has very rich parents and a social group of friends which she says she sometimes goes out for drinks with....and how would I fit in? I can't. It's impossible. I don't feel nervous when talking with a girl one on one, but the whole party/bar scene is way, way out of my league. I feel like a fish out of water in such situations. They are a nightmare come to life. Some people fear public speaking, but I would rather give 10 speeches in a row than spend 5 minutes at such a situation. I mean, even if we do go out on a date, and she ends up liking me, and we start going out....it's game over as soon as I have to meet her friends. I always end up looking like the quiet shy guy who never has anything to say and just has to meekly smile as the jokers and a-holes take center stage and make everyone laugh and tell interesting stories and engage everyone's attention...while I just sit there like a boring idiot. I force myself to open my mouth but all I can do i mumble and then just shut up again. I can barely survive that on my own, let alone knowing that I have to impress a potential girlfriend and her friends. I'm already feeling paranoid, insecure, jealous, and angry about it...and all this when I haven't even asked her out on a date yet. How sad is that? Whatever advise you hear or read from people about how you should act or feel at these parties, we all have some things we can't overcome, right? Well this is it for me. I can't date this girl because I can't go to these places. She has friends, I don't, she's a social person, I have big social anxiety. The end.
And what's the alternative? Being alone forever. And trying to convince myself of the same nonsense I did before, just so I can go on...before I start liking another girl whom I realize I can't have? Well that's just great.
So yeah, those are my two options. Lie to myself that I don't need anyone and keep playing this little game until I'm old and finished, or somehow overcome my SA and start being confident in social situations where I won't look like a complete loser to the girl I like. And I have a better shot at winning the lottery or becoming president than that latter option.
This has really been getting to me in the past few days. I can't stop thinking about this girl and try as I might I can't focus on the job, classes, hobbies, working out, anything...If I have to have SA, fine, but then why do I also need to have this great need to be with someone that I can't overcome? Whose idea of a joke is this, lol?
Well, thanks for reading, if anyone did.
I'm 24, going to be graduating from college next semester...but I kind of have a useless degree, so coupled with my SA the odds on me finding a job aren't that good.
But anyway. For years now I had convinced myself that although I am alone, and probably not relationship material (Im very introverted and never been in a serious relationship), that's fine as long as I find other things to make me happy. For one reason or another (SA + me having to move cities often) I do not have many friends - in fact only one close one, and he lives far away. But I keep myself mostly busy with hobbies, some volunteer work, combined with a small part-time job and classes....living on, you know. I reasoned with myself that that's more than enough, many people are worse off, I should be thankful for what I have...
And then...I met this girl at my part time job the other day. That seemed different, that shared my interests, that was pretty, smart, fun, good....you know the deal.
So despite my reasoning, I wanted to ask her out. Just try it, what do I have to lose, you know? The trouble is, because of some scheduling changes, I haven't seen her in a while, and don't know when I will again...
Which at first was only frustrating, but then it got me on a train of thought that's heading deep into depression territory right now. I know that this girl has very rich parents and a social group of friends which she says she sometimes goes out for drinks with....and how would I fit in? I can't. It's impossible. I don't feel nervous when talking with a girl one on one, but the whole party/bar scene is way, way out of my league. I feel like a fish out of water in such situations. They are a nightmare come to life. Some people fear public speaking, but I would rather give 10 speeches in a row than spend 5 minutes at such a situation. I mean, even if we do go out on a date, and she ends up liking me, and we start going out....it's game over as soon as I have to meet her friends. I always end up looking like the quiet shy guy who never has anything to say and just has to meekly smile as the jokers and a-holes take center stage and make everyone laugh and tell interesting stories and engage everyone's attention...while I just sit there like a boring idiot. I force myself to open my mouth but all I can do i mumble and then just shut up again. I can barely survive that on my own, let alone knowing that I have to impress a potential girlfriend and her friends. I'm already feeling paranoid, insecure, jealous, and angry about it...and all this when I haven't even asked her out on a date yet. How sad is that? Whatever advise you hear or read from people about how you should act or feel at these parties, we all have some things we can't overcome, right? Well this is it for me. I can't date this girl because I can't go to these places. She has friends, I don't, she's a social person, I have big social anxiety. The end.
And what's the alternative? Being alone forever. And trying to convince myself of the same nonsense I did before, just so I can go on...before I start liking another girl whom I realize I can't have? Well that's just great.
So yeah, those are my two options. Lie to myself that I don't need anyone and keep playing this little game until I'm old and finished, or somehow overcome my SA and start being confident in social situations where I won't look like a complete loser to the girl I like. And I have a better shot at winning the lottery or becoming president than that latter option.
This has really been getting to me in the past few days. I can't stop thinking about this girl and try as I might I can't focus on the job, classes, hobbies, working out, anything...If I have to have SA, fine, but then why do I also need to have this great need to be with someone that I can't overcome? Whose idea of a joke is this, lol?
Well, thanks for reading, if anyone did.
yeah thanks, so I'm a loser but at least I'll have the Velvet Underground to keep me company.