UnOccupied
Well-known member
Ok, so this is my basic day:
Wake up around 9am-10am...as soon as im up, i start worrying about the day...like about who i will see, how it will be when i walk by people, what my friends are doing better than me, how i will handle seeing my friends in the house, what home work i forgot to do, and basically i just wonder about all the negative things i have do/that will happen, until my class starts at noon.
at class, i sit there, not paying attention at all, worrying about why i can't even take notes, because the girl next to me thinks im looking at her, and how i can't make eye contact with the teacher because im such a weirdo, and how i am just not deserving of even being in this classroom, because everyone else is smarter than me.
Then, finally, class ends, three hours later...i rush home to safety(or what i perceive safety), and i watch tv for a few hours. Then, i sit around, wasting time, until my best friend comes home. I am very comfortable around him, but basically him. We talk, i get very energetic, and just say stupid things, until i decide its a waste of time, and go up to bed. Then it all starts over again.
All the time, i look forward to the terrible weekend ahead, all the while hating life, dreading every single moment to come. I don't even know what is wrong with me. It is like, when my day is going well, it goes SOOO WELL, but when its bad, its SOOOO BAD. And, i can go from extreme to extreme in a matter of seconds. Also, i don't even know if i have anxiety, depression, or whatever it is, i feel like an alien, like no one else in the entire world deals with what i deal with.
Like, i put on this persona around people. It's so weird. Like, rather than showing or displaying my anxiety or fear around people, instead i look at people im scared of, and i feel like it in turn makes them scared of me. My fears are so counter-intuitive. For example, rather than a normal anxious person who looks down when scared, i look directly at the object im scared of, until they look away, or i look away. Its such a fighting mentality. But, if someone else looks away, i tell myself they are scared of me, and im a frightening behemoth of a person, who doesn't deserve to look at people and who makes people feel like complete dirt just by me looking at them. But, if i look at someone, and they look back, i feel like they see right through my fake confidence, and they know exactly how i feel, socially anxious, depressed, and all.
I don't know what to feel. I can't drink, because when i drink, im forced to be around be so many people which makes me depressed or anxious, idk what to call it, i feel such weird, unidentifiable feeling all the time. And, when i do drink, all i can think about is the deep seeded anxious feelings and negative beliefs about myself that i habitually stuff inside me when i am sober.
I know my life is NOT really this bad(like, as bad as i just described). But, i am very depressed right now, and this is what my mind wanted me to type. Sometimes i feel like i am not in control of anything between my ears, like its just someone else playing with a remote control, but then at other times, i feel like i can control other people into doing whatever it is i want. At the same time though, i feel as though if i just slow down, and even try to think rationally for a few seconds, i can make sense of things in the present, but then im like well, if i need to sloooooow down every single time i want to be rational, whats the point, i will never be able to do this all the time anyway, so whats the point of even trying to do it once in a while when im feeling super depressed. Ahh..., idk what to even do anymore, my brain is so confusing, and i constantly feel like im just hiding from myself, and i can only feel true feeling and emotions when i am not sober. I wish i could stop stuffing emotions down beneath and feel and experience and realize them all the time.
Wake up around 9am-10am...as soon as im up, i start worrying about the day...like about who i will see, how it will be when i walk by people, what my friends are doing better than me, how i will handle seeing my friends in the house, what home work i forgot to do, and basically i just wonder about all the negative things i have do/that will happen, until my class starts at noon.
at class, i sit there, not paying attention at all, worrying about why i can't even take notes, because the girl next to me thinks im looking at her, and how i can't make eye contact with the teacher because im such a weirdo, and how i am just not deserving of even being in this classroom, because everyone else is smarter than me.
Then, finally, class ends, three hours later...i rush home to safety(or what i perceive safety), and i watch tv for a few hours. Then, i sit around, wasting time, until my best friend comes home. I am very comfortable around him, but basically him. We talk, i get very energetic, and just say stupid things, until i decide its a waste of time, and go up to bed. Then it all starts over again.
All the time, i look forward to the terrible weekend ahead, all the while hating life, dreading every single moment to come. I don't even know what is wrong with me. It is like, when my day is going well, it goes SOOO WELL, but when its bad, its SOOOO BAD. And, i can go from extreme to extreme in a matter of seconds. Also, i don't even know if i have anxiety, depression, or whatever it is, i feel like an alien, like no one else in the entire world deals with what i deal with.
Like, i put on this persona around people. It's so weird. Like, rather than showing or displaying my anxiety or fear around people, instead i look at people im scared of, and i feel like it in turn makes them scared of me. My fears are so counter-intuitive. For example, rather than a normal anxious person who looks down when scared, i look directly at the object im scared of, until they look away, or i look away. Its such a fighting mentality. But, if someone else looks away, i tell myself they are scared of me, and im a frightening behemoth of a person, who doesn't deserve to look at people and who makes people feel like complete dirt just by me looking at them. But, if i look at someone, and they look back, i feel like they see right through my fake confidence, and they know exactly how i feel, socially anxious, depressed, and all.
I don't know what to feel. I can't drink, because when i drink, im forced to be around be so many people which makes me depressed or anxious, idk what to call it, i feel such weird, unidentifiable feeling all the time. And, when i do drink, all i can think about is the deep seeded anxious feelings and negative beliefs about myself that i habitually stuff inside me when i am sober.
I know my life is NOT really this bad(like, as bad as i just described). But, i am very depressed right now, and this is what my mind wanted me to type. Sometimes i feel like i am not in control of anything between my ears, like its just someone else playing with a remote control, but then at other times, i feel like i can control other people into doing whatever it is i want. At the same time though, i feel as though if i just slow down, and even try to think rationally for a few seconds, i can make sense of things in the present, but then im like well, if i need to sloooooow down every single time i want to be rational, whats the point, i will never be able to do this all the time anyway, so whats the point of even trying to do it once in a while when im feeling super depressed. Ahh..., idk what to even do anymore, my brain is so confusing, and i constantly feel like im just hiding from myself, and i can only feel true feeling and emotions when i am not sober. I wish i could stop stuffing emotions down beneath and feel and experience and realize them all the time.
