Theendofit all Journal

[alwaysrunning]

If all goes according to plan by the time im done writing this journal my shyness will have diminished to the point where i will finally be able to appreciate it, after all my shyness is a part of myself, and why would i ever desecrate my being in a way that morbid and cruel?

I have always had these wierd conflicting thoughts whether i wanted to get rid of my shyness;or if i stayed shy was it because i actuallyliked it and found comfort in it like that of which i could not anywhere else? Am I even actually shy or just faking it? I still feel this way sometimes, when im shy i get attention, these are few the times ,but in a way i enjoy this attention of people not knowing about me, even if they find it strange. people seems to think im hiding something interesting or keeping myself from being discovered. This is the sort of attention i can handle.

The attention i cannot handle occurs when i start opening up and letting my "non-shy" self be known. Like in a way i have done here. I can be rather pedantic, sarcastic, flirty?, annoying, immature, and have regretted some of the comments I've made even if i know no one actually knows me behind this screen. What i mean to say is that attention for being shy implies that theres a possibility that i might be interesting. Attention/reactions at my annoying "non-shy" self directs at my personality being unlikable.

Do i dare be a sarcastic/annoying/know-it-all(and nothing at the same time) who also insists on denying the existane of love in the(her) world? Or will i let my insecurities about my body, image, personality, intellect, in short overall self that is blanketed my my overriding shyness(who will always in effect be a part of me) leave me out of the life i wish to live? No. People will like me, people wont, people will know me, people wont, people will care about what i have to say and others will continue to turn their backs on me. I just wont let it get in the way of my self becoming the best self i can handle being.

 

[alwaysrunning]

Today was good but a bit of wierd reactions that i kept receiving. They're probably nothing but they just felt....wierd. First of all i rode the school bus home and everyone kept saying thanx to the bus driver as they stepped off to which he responded to each of them (this person is also a student at my college). Thus i decided to do the same. As i stepped off i said "thank you" passing right by him, he looked at me but didnt say anything at all!

On a positive note I also saw some guy whos an acquaintance ive had lunch with at school, since we have mutual friends, but i always avoid him because i find him attractive(stupid reason-i know). I went to a sale they had downtown at the student store, and thats where i saw him browsing as well. what was different was that today i didnt even think about it and said "hi" without waiting for him to say it. Then i asked what his name was again... blah blah blah etc. The conversation was short but not awkward. It's really nothing, but it made feel good that there was no 15 min argument in my head about giving eye contact or not, or saying hi or not, or even pretending i dont see u and promptly walk the other way. I will try it with more acquaintances and hiopefully with similar results.

Aaaaaaaand i got new earphones!!!!!Awesome day

 

[Niteowl]

what was different was that today i didnt even think about it and said "hi" without waiting for him to say it. Then i asked what his name was again... blah blah blah etc. The conversation was short but not awkward. It's really nothing, but it made feel good that there was no 15 min argument in my head about giving eye contact or not, or saying hi or not, or even pretending i dont see u and promptly walk the other way. I will try it with more acquaintances and hiopefully with similar results.

Ooh that's brilliant - if you did it once, I'll bet you can do it again. It's nice just to have a person or two that you can feel free from social anxiety around.