outofthisworld
Well-known member
First of all I found this forum yesterday and I've been checking out and it's great. I also been checking videos on YouTube about other people's issues and now I see that there are worst cases than mine, and even though I know that, in my head I still feel my case is bad and unique.
So i born with a condition that i don't know the name in English, basically my femur didn't fully grow when i was growing in the belly and when I born I looked normal but my parents figured when I was 3 months old and that is when my bad luck started I guess,, I got done over 7 surgeries on my leg and femur and luckily today i'm able to walk even tho my leg is 1cm shorter.. anyway up to 13 years old my life was fine, i was happy, i had so many friends and they accepted for who I was, I was never home, always hanging out with me friends outside.
Here where it begins
When I was 14 I moved to London with my parents so I was in a completely new country, I didn't really speak the language and that is when My second physical problem began which was when i had scoliosis on my back.
So I started high school and i was all shy and got bullied a lot in school, I remember having lunch at the special needs room because I was too shy and didn't want to be bullied.
So i lived in London for 3 years in hell basically, then I moved away to Denmark with my parents and went to college to another town 5 hours away from them, and there I was all alone and I could be anybody I wanted, even though I was shy, I could still manage it, but I still was really shy about my looks so I never had a girlfriend at that time because of it, because ok my leg being messed up / me having scoliosis / sweating alot armpit, hands and feet / and on top of that I got high metabolism so i can eat all I want and i'm skinny as hell (really annoying).
So I lived somewhat well those 3 years in Denmark,, just some depressions here and there, but I had friends again and life was good.
Then college finished and I moved back to London with my parents and hell started again, that 1st year was the worst, I don't know why dot when i'm living with my parent's I cant be who I really am, so I block my self from everything on this bubble.
So at one point I didn't leave my home for 6 months straight as I had panic attacks going out you know all the usual stuff.
So i decided to do a surgery to fix my back in hope all would be fine. I did the surgery which was the most painful thing ever and 3 weeks after I left the hospital I went on a heavy depression and started consoling and I went for only 3 months which got be a little better. By the way I never took any medicine for my problems as personal choice, I also don't drink and don't do drugs at this point.
So after all that passed I was a bit better and going out a bit more trying to make friends which was such drainage to my body as my worry never went away but at least I didn't panic anymore.
then some more time passed and I got back to square 0 not going out again and not meeting people anymore because with me is I don't like doing things that I don't see the point of it.
So I started playing a game called second life, and I learned that meeting people online I didn't have any issues what so ever I can talk on mic and sometimes on webcam, because I know that if I get into that point I can always go offline from 1 min to the other.
I have made some really good friends online which I still talk to them when I feel like.
So I started dating people online, and at the time in my head was that the only people that would like me would be ugly people because beautiful people would never like a person like me with all these problems.
So I dated about 7 people online and none of them worked out after half year or so, they always left me for some reason. because I always met people with issues and I'm great at helping others and suck at helping my self so seemed they always left me when I helped them with their issued.
So 4 years ago I met this girl on the game. she was the 1st girl that was beautiful and she had a kid so I thought WOW this is my chance to be normal because she was the only one ever that i felt normal in like 10 years of feeling so bad. So I tried my best to be with her and that was my 1st mistake knowing now.
So we dated online for 4 years and last xmas we decided to take it real life and meet in person, So I went to visit her in the states for a month, and it was amazing!, I was the 1st time I ever kissed a girl and when I lost my virginity same day lol. by the way, she never knew that I had SA. she had A.D.H.D which was fine with me.
So anyway I stayed there for 5 weeks and it was a dream come true for me, my SA was gone! I did still sweat but I could control it because I was trying so hard to make her happy and not screw it up as it was my only chance in life to be normal.
So I came back to Brazil after 5 weeks being there, and we started talking about getting married, and I started organizing things and looking for rings to buy and everything. little for me to know that few months after I left, her life changed and her A.D.H.D got really bad as she stopped taking her meds. and she was a bit crazy, but as the guy as I am I told my self, it's ok I can help her feel better, so I moved to the states and for 4 months lived with her trying to make her better, but on the last 3 weeks I was there things went from bad to worst and I found out that she didn't want help at all, she was just using me for my money and she cheated on me. So I was F**cked I was in another country all alone, with my bank and credit cards all maxed out in this little dream that I could have a normal life. So I broke up with her right away and moved back to Brazil, She destroyed my self steam completely because now I have all the bad thoughts again, Yes who would want to be with a person like me.. A nice looking girl would just use me for my innocence.
I haven't left home for about 3 months now. when I leave home I sweat alot and my tong starts tingling and I got this huge buzz in my head and I shake alot.
This is the worst I ever been and I'm so tired of it. but it doesn't mean that I'm giving up, I'm like this for a reason, and I guess I just have to live with it.
So i born with a condition that i don't know the name in English, basically my femur didn't fully grow when i was growing in the belly and when I born I looked normal but my parents figured when I was 3 months old and that is when my bad luck started I guess,, I got done over 7 surgeries on my leg and femur and luckily today i'm able to walk even tho my leg is 1cm shorter.. anyway up to 13 years old my life was fine, i was happy, i had so many friends and they accepted for who I was, I was never home, always hanging out with me friends outside.
Here where it begins
When I was 14 I moved to London with my parents so I was in a completely new country, I didn't really speak the language and that is when My second physical problem began which was when i had scoliosis on my back.
So I started high school and i was all shy and got bullied a lot in school, I remember having lunch at the special needs room because I was too shy and didn't want to be bullied.
So i lived in London for 3 years in hell basically, then I moved away to Denmark with my parents and went to college to another town 5 hours away from them, and there I was all alone and I could be anybody I wanted, even though I was shy, I could still manage it, but I still was really shy about my looks so I never had a girlfriend at that time because of it, because ok my leg being messed up / me having scoliosis / sweating alot armpit, hands and feet / and on top of that I got high metabolism so i can eat all I want and i'm skinny as hell (really annoying).
So I lived somewhat well those 3 years in Denmark,, just some depressions here and there, but I had friends again and life was good.
Then college finished and I moved back to London with my parents and hell started again, that 1st year was the worst, I don't know why dot when i'm living with my parent's I cant be who I really am, so I block my self from everything on this bubble.
So at one point I didn't leave my home for 6 months straight as I had panic attacks going out you know all the usual stuff.
So i decided to do a surgery to fix my back in hope all would be fine. I did the surgery which was the most painful thing ever and 3 weeks after I left the hospital I went on a heavy depression and started consoling and I went for only 3 months which got be a little better. By the way I never took any medicine for my problems as personal choice, I also don't drink and don't do drugs at this point.
So after all that passed I was a bit better and going out a bit more trying to make friends which was such drainage to my body as my worry never went away but at least I didn't panic anymore.
then some more time passed and I got back to square 0 not going out again and not meeting people anymore because with me is I don't like doing things that I don't see the point of it.
So I started playing a game called second life, and I learned that meeting people online I didn't have any issues what so ever I can talk on mic and sometimes on webcam, because I know that if I get into that point I can always go offline from 1 min to the other.
I have made some really good friends online which I still talk to them when I feel like.
So I started dating people online, and at the time in my head was that the only people that would like me would be ugly people because beautiful people would never like a person like me with all these problems.
So I dated about 7 people online and none of them worked out after half year or so, they always left me for some reason. because I always met people with issues and I'm great at helping others and suck at helping my self so seemed they always left me when I helped them with their issued.
So 4 years ago I met this girl on the game. she was the 1st girl that was beautiful and she had a kid so I thought WOW this is my chance to be normal because she was the only one ever that i felt normal in like 10 years of feeling so bad. So I tried my best to be with her and that was my 1st mistake knowing now.
So we dated online for 4 years and last xmas we decided to take it real life and meet in person, So I went to visit her in the states for a month, and it was amazing!, I was the 1st time I ever kissed a girl and when I lost my virginity same day lol. by the way, she never knew that I had SA. she had A.D.H.D which was fine with me.
So anyway I stayed there for 5 weeks and it was a dream come true for me, my SA was gone! I did still sweat but I could control it because I was trying so hard to make her happy and not screw it up as it was my only chance in life to be normal.
So I came back to Brazil after 5 weeks being there, and we started talking about getting married, and I started organizing things and looking for rings to buy and everything. little for me to know that few months after I left, her life changed and her A.D.H.D got really bad as she stopped taking her meds. and she was a bit crazy, but as the guy as I am I told my self, it's ok I can help her feel better, so I moved to the states and for 4 months lived with her trying to make her better, but on the last 3 weeks I was there things went from bad to worst and I found out that she didn't want help at all, she was just using me for my money and she cheated on me. So I was F**cked I was in another country all alone, with my bank and credit cards all maxed out in this little dream that I could have a normal life. So I broke up with her right away and moved back to Brazil, She destroyed my self steam completely because now I have all the bad thoughts again, Yes who would want to be with a person like me.. A nice looking girl would just use me for my innocence.
I haven't left home for about 3 months now. when I leave home I sweat alot and my tong starts tingling and I got this huge buzz in my head and I shake alot.
This is the worst I ever been and I'm so tired of it. but it doesn't mean that I'm giving up, I'm like this for a reason, and I guess I just have to live with it.