The Issue of Trust

[Dudley]

So after some long thought last night, I've realized that if trust isn't the direct cause of my OCD, it's definitely a trigger now. With a few exceptions, basically everyone close to me has betrayed my trust by lying to me, breaking promises, or being unreliable. A few weeks ago I thought I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye and that scared the hell out of me because it was like I couldn't even trust myself.

All of this has lead to me always saying to myself "it'll be easier if I just do it myself" and never telling anyone anything. It's a horrible feeling, especially when you just want to tell someone how you're feeling but you can't get past the feeling that they're going to stab you in the back.

I know people aren't out to get me and that I can trust the people I care about. I'm working on trust but it's an uphill struggle.

Anyway, has anyone else had experiences with being able to completely trust someone or having your trust betrayed in relation to OCD?

 

[dixiegirl]

Hi Dudley. Trust issues definitely play a part in OCD; whether it's not being able to trust others or not being able to trust yourself. I know when my trust is breached, like a boyfriend cheated on me or something, my OCD is catastrophic. Maybe OCD is a defense mechanism--a way to protect ourselves/others, a way to deal with the fear or pain. A way to be in control.

 

[Dudley]

Yeah there's definitely some displacement going on. A friend breaks your trust and you respond by making lists or making sure things are symmetrical.

It's also kind of interesting that rituals and compulsions are to regain control, while obsessions and intrusive thoughts are nothing but creating chaos.

 

[philly2bits]

I don't have OCD but I do tend to not trust people too much. I have no idea why. I was never betrayed by anyone close to me. It probably has something to do with feeling vulnerable, I don't know

 

[pufferfish]

i think this is a really good observation. i am always trying to get things done myself and i don't really tell people whats going on in my world because really i am the only one who i can trust with my feelings.

 

[nephatitus]

i rarely trust anyone. ive already seen too much in this lifetime

 

[JCS008]

I actually trust very hard. I think I normally give people the benefit of the doubt when getting to know them, but I tend to hide a lot about myself, especially personal things I don't want people knowing about.

 

[Dudley]

Something just happened that may have destroyed my trust of other humans...again.

About two months ago (only a few days after this original post, actually) my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. It was very sudden and I didn't even think anything was wrong, but she just basically said that we're too alike and that I'm moving too far away (I don't, I only live 45 minutes away from where I used to) to keep up a relationship. She gave me the classic speech about how it isn't me and that we can still be friends.

Flash forward a month, I talked to her again just to clear things up. I noticed on facebook that some guy was talking all cutesy to her but she said it was nothing, she never looked at any other guy while we were together, she would never cheat on me, and that she wanted to be alone to get her life together.

Just today, it shows up that she's in a relationship with this guy that she said meant nothing. Once again, I've been lied to. Three years together and she is apparently over me in two months. It's pretty hard to be alone if your in a relationship with some other guy, wouldn't you think?

This sucks. As I type this, my OCD is through the roof. I can't stop repeating crap and ruminating on every little detail.

 

[Kinetik]

I know how you feel. My current girlfriend was a little promiscuous before her and I got serious, and now I find myself obsessing over everything she's doing and wondering if she's up to no good. I'm able to keep it private for the most part, so it's not completely unbearable to her, but if she's in what I consider to be even a slightly dubious situation, I go apeshit. It doesn't help that her and her ex are somewhat pally - she went over his house briefly the other day and that was a massive trigger for me, I couldn't eat or sleep properly that night.

 

[IDK94657]

It happens to me constantly. I'll ask my family to help me by doing things for me, when they will do things right in front of me that I would have just been better off doing myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth telling friends and family.

And my brother has been going through a similar situation as you have with your girlfriend. He had been with her for numerous years and she started talking to other people behind his back. Eventually she left him and now he is struggling to deal with the situation.

 

[dixiegirl]

Something just happened that may have destroyed my trust of other humans...again.

About two months ago (only a few days after this original post, actually) my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. It was very sudden and I didn't even think anything was wrong, but she just basically said that we're too alike and that I'm moving too far away (I don't, I only live 45 minutes away from where I used to) to keep up a relationship. She gave me the classic speech about how it isn't me and that we can still be friends.

Flash forward a month, I talked to her again just to clear things up. I noticed on facebook that some guy was talking all cutesy to her but she said it was nothing, she never looked at any other guy while we were together, she would never cheat on me, and that she wanted to be alone to get her life together.

Just today, it shows up that she's in a relationship with this guy that she said meant nothing. Once again, I've been lied to. Three years together and she is apparently over me in two months. It's pretty hard to be alone if your in a relationship with some other guy, wouldn't you think?

This sucks. As I type this, my OCD is through the roof. I can't stop repeating crap and ruminating on every little detail.

I'm sorry to hear this Dudley. I'm going through the same thing

Your ex-girlfriend's actions seem really insensitive. But maybe it's her way of moving on. I dunno, everybody's different. I prefer to hide in my bed and eat junk food and buy stuff on infomercials when I'm depressed after a break-up, but some people need to get out there. I don't think anyone who's been in a 3 year relationship would be able to just throw it away and not miss the other person. Break-ups suck and I totally understand how your OCD just makes everything worse. I hope you start feeling better real soon!

 

[Dudley]

I'm sorry to hear this Dudley. I'm going through the same thing

Your ex-girlfriend's actions seem really insensitive. But maybe it's her way of moving on. I dunno, everybody's different. I prefer to hide in my bed and eat junk food and buy stuff on infomercials when I'm depressed after a break-up, but some people need to get out there. I don't think anyone who's been in a 3 year relationship would be able to just throw it away and not miss the other person. Break-ups suck and I totally understand how your OCD just makes everything worse. I hope you start feeling better real soon!

I actually talked to her that night and she explained that she had time to sort out her emotions and all that stuff. Which kind of makes sense because when she talked to me at the end of July, she explained it in a really confusing and roundabout way that made it seem like we still had a chance. I'm really trying to get over it because I actually do want to be friends with her, but it's rough.

Thanks for the kind words though. Even just text on a screen is a big help.

 

[Miami]

So after some long thought last night, I've realized that if trust isn't the direct cause of my OCD, it's definitely a trigger now. With a few exceptions, basically everyone close to me has betrayed my trust by lying to me, breaking promises, or being unreliable. A few weeks ago I thought I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye and that scared the hell out of me because it was like I couldn't even trust myself.

All of this has lead to me always saying to myself "it'll be easier if I just do it myself" and never telling anyone anything. It's a horrible feeling, especially when you just want to tell someone how you're feeling but you can't get past the feeling that they're going to stab you in the back.

I know people aren't out to get me and that I can trust the people I care about. I'm working on trust but it's an uphill struggle.

Anyway, has anyone else had experiences with being able to completely trust someone or having your trust betrayed in relation to OCD?

I can relate to that ::

 

[dixiegirl]

I actually talked to her that night and she explained that she had time to sort out her emotions and all that stuff. Which kind of makes sense because when she talked to me at the end of July, she explained it in a really confusing and roundabout way that made it seem like we still had a chance. I'm really trying to get over it because I actually do want to be friends with her, but it's rough.

Thanks for the kind words though. Even just text on a screen is a big help.

She probably was confused. After being with someone for that long, it's hard to say goodbye. Maybe part of her wanted to go, but the other part of her cares about you and didn't want to hurt you. And maybe she wasn't sure she was making the right choice. It's hard.

It's nice that you would like to make the effort to be friends with her though. I am having a hard time doing that because of residual feelings. But I know it's not fair to put that on myself and not fair to put that on my ex, so I am forcing myself to cut things off completely with him. Everyone deals with goodbyes differently I guess.

 

[zlench]

I very carefull about who I trust and will let into my life because there is a lot shit people out there who want to screw you.

 

[Dudley]

She probably was confused. After being with someone for that long, it's hard to say goodbye. Maybe part of her wanted to go, but the other part of her cares about you and didn't want to hurt you. And maybe she wasn't sure she was making the right choice. It's hard.

It's nice that you would like to make the effort to be friends with her though. I am having a hard time doing that because of residual feelings. But I know it's not fair to put that on myself and not fair to put that on my ex, so I am forcing myself to cut things off completely with him. Everyone deals with goodbyes differently I guess.

Exactly. It didn't end with a big shouting match or anything, it just kind of ended. Looking back, I'm surprised we lasted that long since she was really religious and I'm not, so that would have been a pretty big obstacle (even more so than it already was). If anything, it was just that it ended so abruptly and things changed so quickly.

It's also a little weird to have her encourage me to start dating again, but I guess it's good since we know each other really well and we both kind of know what the other person wants.

After a lot of thought last night, I think I know what was really bringing me down. When we were together, I was pretty confident most of the time (having a cute girl at your side will do that to you). So when we broke up, confidence went too. BUT! I'm trying to stay positive, work hard in school, and get some of that confidence back.

But I agree, there are definitely some people that you really want to distance yourself from and have time to move on from. After some time I'm sure she and I will be just fine (and that goes for you too, dixiegirl!)

 

[dixiegirl]

Exactly. It didn't end with a big shouting match or anything, it just kind of ended. Looking back, I'm surprised we lasted that long since she was really religious and I'm not, so that would have been a pretty big obstacle (even more so than it already was). If anything, it was just that it ended so abruptly and things changed so quickly.

It's also a little weird to have her encourage me to start dating again, but I guess it's good since we know each other really well and we both kind of know what the other person wants.

After a lot of thought last night, I think I know what was really bringing me down. When we were together, I was pretty confident most of the time (having a cute girl at your side will do that to you). So when we broke up, confidence went too. BUT! I'm trying to stay positive, work hard in school, and get some of that confidence back.

But I agree, there are definitely some people that you really want to distance yourself from and have time to move on from. After some time I'm sure she and I will be just fine (and that goes for you too, dixiegirl!)

I think her suggesting that you start dating is showing that she wants you to move on and find someone that will make you happy. She still cares about you but not in the same way she probably once did.

I understand your confidence issue. I tend to bury my own confidence by loving someone else instead of loving myself. I'm learning that you can't truly love someone the way they deserve to be loved if you don't love yourself. That is the definition of self-confidence.

But right now I feel awful. I went out on a date thinking it would be good for me and maybe it would help me move on. I ended up wanting to call and see my ex-boyfriend. I miss him so much. And, I think I may have given the wrong impression to my date. I tried to explain to him that I'm in transition and need to take things slowly, but I think that disappointed him. I don't know what to tell him. Any suggestions?

 

[Dudley]

But right now I feel awful. I went out on a date thinking it would be good for me and maybe it would help me move on. I ended up wanting to call and see my ex-boyfriend. I miss him so much. And, I think I may have given the wrong impression to my date. I tried to explain to him that I'm in transition and need to take things slowly, but I think that disappointed him. I don't know what to tell him. Any suggestions?

Speaking as a guy, I would probably be a little disappointed if I heard that on a date, but if I actually like the girl and thought I had a chance, I would listen to her and take things slow.

In terms of getting over someone, I just try to keep telling myself "it wouldn't have worked out, you know that. It's only natural to think of every romantic relationship as being special and perfect. OCD and ruminating on thoughts does not help at all. I couldn't sleep last night because I just kept thinking "It's Friday night, she's probably on a date."

There is a girl I've been talking to at school (she's just a friend) that actually had some pretty bad anxiety problems a few years ago. I had no idea until we started talking since she seems so confident and outgoing. Anyway, talking to her has been a great help, so I'd suggest talking about it at length with someone you really trust. Even if you don't solve the problem it helps to hear it out loud. Hope this helped!

 

[dixiegirl]

In terms of getting over someone, I just try to keep telling myself "it wouldn't have worked out, you know that. It's only natural to think of every romantic relationship as being special and perfect. OCD and ruminating on thoughts does not help at all. I couldn't sleep last night because I just kept thinking "It's Friday night, she's probably on a date."

I just contacted my ex. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Every time I talk to him it is abundantly clear that he's moved on and is just trying to be nice to me. I just keep thinking that he still has feelings for me. Why else would he keep talking to me?