Story Of My life...

[Mikeyz]

Sorry I'm a little long with my story, I tried to sum it up the best I know how. So, wow I'm so glad I found this site, it gives me hope to recovering from what feels like total hell to me. It's so great to know that I am not alone in this. I've been suffering with social anxiety for about 9 years now. I didn't even know what I had until about 2 years after graduating high school, which is when I was diagnosed with social anxiety. It made me feel great to know that there was a reason why I've been having such a hard time fitting into this world. I hated school, I was always the quiet one. Everyone thought there was something wrong with me and I was always looked at differently than the rest (or so I felt).. I was never able to ask my teachers question in fear of embarrament from the class, so I just always kept quiet and too myself. I would try and hide myself under my desk when the teacher would call out students to read out loud. I always felt like an outcast. I would avoid any and all school events that evolved crowds. As soon as school would let out I would just go straight home and to my room where I felt comfortable and safe. I've never dated in school, I've never even had the guts to talk to girls, even though I desperately wanted to, the anxiety just always took over me. Seeing other guys with girlfriends (someone who cared for them other then family) made me want the same so badly. I just could never figure out why it was so easy for everyone else to talk with each other and have conversation like it was nothing and I couldn't. Looking back at my past now I just want to kick myself, I feel like I've missed out on so many things in my life, and I dessiperly want to change now so I don't miss out on anymore, I think I'm just afraid, and need to find someone whose been though it and knows exactly what I'm going through. This site should defiantly help. I know I can't change the past and that is something I just have to convince myself of. I want feel what it's like to actually live without the horrible fear of what other think about me. I took one medication called welbutrin and it totally change my life, but only for 2 months, and then it was back to my old self again. Those two months were the best of my young adult life though, I felt like I could do anything and go anywhere. I had the want to go back school and get my degree in electronics and find that special girl that I could fall in love with someday marry and have a happy loving family with. I had so much confidence in myself. I want that feeling back again so badly. I've tired all the other meds out there, and non are able to do what that one did for me. I feel like a hopeless case now. My mom passed away a few years back and she lived with anxiety, not social but similar, and was even at a point where she couldn't leave the house. She got over it with meds and therapy though. She understood what I was going though, and it was very easy to talk to her because of that. She was my best friend indeed. I feel like I took her for granted now that she's gone. It's very true that you don't know what you got till it's gone. Now that she's gone I feel like theirs no one else who gets me. Everyone without SA seems to think it's so simple to get over this social fear, and it's really not (at least not for me) I have a wonderful family who is always there for me and I love them all to death, but I don't think they really know how hard it is, and it's understandable. I get upset with myself all the time for being the way I am, and I'm always finding myself taking it out on my family. I feel so bad about it afterwards, it just so easy to do and I have no idea why. It's really hard for me to open up to anyone and share my feelings, especially with my own family. You really don't know what it's like unless you actually have to live with it and experience it for yourself. I find it very hard to explain to people what it's like to live with this anxiety. I have a brother and two sisters who are all married with kids. I'm 28 and still single, and it kills me. I'm very happy for them don't get me wrong, it's just that I feel so left behind, I want what they have, someone who loves and cares for them, and they can share their life with. I don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life. I've tried dating, but the girls always give up on me cause I'm just way too shy and quiet for them. And I can't say that I blame them at all. I wouldn't want to date myself the way I am. I don't want to feel like I'm a burden on anyone or waste any girls time with them thinking I'm going to change and be this talkative new person overnight. It takes me awhile to feel comfortable with someone and be able to open up. I believe I just need to find the right one, who knows about social anxiety and what I'm going through, and how hard is to live with it. But I'm already 28 and I fear I'll never find that one. I hope I can find the help I need and get over this hell, before it's too late, and my life is over. I wanna my mom proud by her seeing me get over this SA and living a normal happy life. I know she looking over me from above.

 

[R3K]

i know this feeling very well, that "left behind" sensation where it's like everyone else is doing awesome in life and i'm just a lump, doing nothing but treading water while sinking slightly all the while. i'm 31, and almost a carbon copy of the story you just told. the jealousy is the worst part. every day i see friends and family with their respective boyfriends/girlfriends and i'm reminded constantly of their awesomeness and my suckiness.

i have no idea how to overcome this particular jealousy aspect but, there is definately a lot you can learn on this site regarding addressing the social phobia. and the mere reading of other peoples' plights in itself can actually help a great deal.

 

[mart22n]

Mikeyz,

your story almost made me cry (although I'm a man). I think you need a big hug from someone right now and just telepathically I'll give you a big hug. There are more people willing to give you a hug, I hope

I want feel what it's like to actually live without the horrible fear of what other think about me.

It IS possible to get over your fears, I'm more than halfway through it at the moment, I think. For me, the moment I'll be totally over my fears is when I can tell anyone anything I want or feel like. Just ANYTHING. You don't actually have to worry, there are always people who are on your side no matter what you say or do, i.e. friends.

I want that feeling back again so badly.

Cool. You want it bad enough - you'll do what it takes

I wouldn't want to date myself the way I am.

Well, when you're not ashamed of your fears and your situation and your past, you would definitely be more attractive.

I wanna my mom proud by her seeing me get over this SA and living a normal happy life.

What about living an extraordinary life when you turn the tables around by becoming a highly sociable person from where you are right now? Just a thought.

Therapy might, or might not help. In my case it hasn't helped much, but hasn't done any harm either

Good luck man! Tell me when you need help in something.

 

[Mikeyz]

Thanks guys for reading my story. It's great to know that theirs others out there who still care, and want to help each other. It make you forget about all the mean people in the world who just like putting you down. I too teared up when I found this site, and read some of stories of people's lives that are going though the same thing as I am. It makes you realize that you're not alone, and that this whole crazy thing is in our heads. I had a really bad date with a girl the other night, she didn't say anything or do anything mean. She was a very nice girl, which I'm sure is why she didn't say anything mean to put me down. It was just that I couldn't say anything I wanted to say to her. I had what I wanted to say all planed out days before too, but nothing, I just froze up when it came to date night. I thought she was beautiful, I think all women are by the way, at least on the outside. I know not all are as equally nice on the inside. Some like to just put you down and point out all your flaws, which I don't know why, but I guess it just life. I think this girl thought I was a bore, which I wouldn't blame her for, cause she did do most of talking, which lasted about 4 hours, no kidding. I was just so tense and nervous and slouched down the whole time with her, I just didn't feel comfortable at all, and I just wanted to go home and cry by myself in my room. When I did get home I just started beating myself up over the whole night. Then Like an idiot I went and sent her a text saying I was so sorry for being so shy and not so talkative around her. I told her I have social anxiety, which maybe I shouldn't have, cause I never heard back from her since. I hate being looked at differently cause of SA. I'm just so horrible when it comes to talking to girls. It seems so easy to other guys. I told myself just yesterday that I am tired of living like this and I going to do something about it, which is when I went online and found this website full of all you wonderful people suffering with the same thing. So, maybe the date wasn't all bad, it made me want to change and want to find help. I'm going to do what it takes to get over this.. Right now I'm trying to find a support group close to where I live that can hopefully help me. I've tried therapy in the past but it never got me anywhere. I was never able to open up with the therapist and spill out all my feelings. I just never felt comfortable enough with. I think if maybe I could find one who specializes in SA it might help.. Or a good friend I can open up to, who understands.

 

[Section_31]

Welcome Mike!!

You'll find alot of support and friends here. You are not alone.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

 

[TorontoListener]

Mikeyz,

Your post struck a major chord with me because it described my life when I was your age almost EXACTLY (I’m in my forties now). Everything you mentioned, from being shy in class, having difficulty in groups, and constantly blowing dates because I didn’t know what to say to a woman due to being so nervous described my situation perfectly. And of course there was that horrible feeling that life is passing you by and there’s nothing you can do about it.

The only difference between us is that both my parents are not shy, but that didn’t help me in the slightest because even though they wanted the best for me, they couldn’t relate to social anxiety and their advice consisted of “try to be more outgoing,” which of course is useless to people with social anxiety.

At about the age of 30 I went looking for solutions, which initially included forcing myself to enrol in acting class - can you imagine the horror at the prospect of performing a monologue in front of your classmates? But I got through it and largely eradicated the worst of my stage fright in under a year.

Dating success took longer, because ironically, despite focussing on only one person the stakes are higher; you desperately don’t want to blow your chances with the woman, and so your nerves show, sabotaging your evening.

I saw psychologists, dating coaches, consulted dating & relationship books, and even studied pickup artist material. Some of it helped, while some did not.

(I know some PUAs don’t have the greatest reputation – some rely on lines and putting up a false front, but others are more legitimate, advocating genuine relationships and bettering yourself).

The main problem is that most dating books assume any shyness you have is minor. Same goes for the PUA material – how can you put the theories into practice if you can’t talk to women without stammering in the first place? And I didn’t find books dedicated to shyness all that helpful.

Eventually I got through it all. I’ve performed in several plays, given presentations at work (even helping a former boss with advice on how to give a good presentation), and I now have what most people would consider a ‘normal’ dating life, having had several relationships. I put everything I learned into my own book, which I will send to you for no charge, if you can wait a couple of months for it to be published. In the meantime you can read the eBook sample on Amazon presently (Amazon is pretty generous with the amount of sample material for eBooks). The title is ‘From Shy To Fly.’

My aim was the following: since I am now doing quite well socially, if it were possible to go back in time to my younger self and give him an ‘instruction manual’ on how to lessen his social anxiety, become more assertive, form friendships easier, be more comfortable around women and have a greater chance of progressing beyond the first date, what information would it contain, to shorten the learning curve?

At 28 you’re still a young guy, and the very fact that you’re on this site means you are in the process of looking for a solution. You express your issues articulately and intelligently; by trying new things I’m sure you will be able to attain success. I’d be interested in reading about some of your victories, no matter how small, and the methods you used to attain them.