Steiner's Diary

[Steiner]

A post 6 months later- I actually managed to remember my login info without getting locked out this time. I'll try to remember it. Shouldn't be hard now come on Steiner.

...

I am depressed and out of words to display my inner turmoil. The mask I'm wearing has cracks and I worry for the day it falls apart and I can no longer pick up the pieces. Perhaps I am overdue for a quarter-life crisis.

Keeping up a charade I no longer want a part in but not wanting to rock the boat.

Not a way to live.

I think a lot of people manage to keep this charade up their entire lives, successfully, but I don't think I want to.

I want to be "happy."

I don't think I will partake in this dream for much longer as my impulsiveness lashes out; insides twisting, squirming for a life I haven't lived.

It was a nice dream while it lasted though. Perhaps I can find the light again, but for now, I'm not so sure.

...

Still need that therapist but for now I just take medication that does nothing.

,
Steiner

 

[Steiner]

I think after many years I'm starting to truly connect the dots as to what I would diagnose myself as.

Quiet borderline personality disorder.

Perhaps a lot of people with anxiety suffer from this more than we realize, I'm not sure I can say that as a fact for everyone- I am sure that I suffer from this though.

It has been rough living and trying to grow with it. The emotional turmoil. Not realizing the childhood abuse I suffered from and thinking that was normal for years even in my adult years. My actions and thoughts for years being a result of that.

Thinking I was the bad guy... A bad person who deserved to be punished. Turbulent emotions. Difficulty with keeping friends. Psychotic thinking and derealization. Though most of all the anxiety that made me withdraw from the world for years-

This is why I am broken.

I have a mixture of emotions about it.