State of what is expected is living a lie. *My inner thoughts*

[Roman Legion]

I am tired of being pushed and coerced into living a life of lies. I am tired of hiding myself just to get by with the lies of the status quo. I used the last of my money in my pocket for a notebook (That I was still short in change for.) and began to chronicle my thoughts throughout the day about a week ago. I lied to myself for years about believeing in god because I could not accecpt the difficulty of dealing with other's reactions when I was already having a hard time with strangers and people I am related to by bloodline — I found comfort embracing what I feel to be the truth and it has strained my relationship with family, my own father told me that "It won't be so true when your in hell.". I began writing how I believe my sanity is on life-support, life support being indefatigable escapisms. I wrote as I have been thinking about for years about "Eating a .45 and tasting the slide." but then went on to write about not being able to even afford a gun. Ever since I read the Femine Mystique, the three simple words of Betty Friedan have been stuck in my head "Is this all?" Is this all there is to my life? Taking jobs whenever I can get one (Been unable to find any employment for just short of 3 years, I entered the USAR out of coersion from my father, despite not ever wanting to join, but I'll get into that more later on.). Do I have any real interests, my escapisms don't count as a genunine interest, just my sanity's life-support. I began to think about my life now and it seemed life is a giant circle, for some that is good, but my life never really seems to get better as those wellwishers and optimists always chime in. A trashcan is not supposed to be a toilet, be it now or 13 years ago when I was a homeless kid, living in an abandoned house just outside DC on the Maryland side of the river. (Since I cannot speak my mind in my own words, due to site censorship, I will substitute a word of equal value, but ultimately in no need of censorship.) Total frelling apathy, pointlessness of life. Be a man has no real benefits (In the personal sense) to me. No justice, no love, just BS fabrications Humanity comes up with, like religion. Not eating, never feeling hunger. I am all rage inside, disconnected and I want to be as calm inside and as in control as a Vulcan. I don't want to be me or anyone in this idiotic gender, nor do I have interest in being an empty minded woman that lacks any interest in real things. Frell your god, I'm going to hell, you are going to Narnia. I see either death, [Life] inside my vehicle or the frelling streets in my future as time is realistically counting down on my family on this frelling rock of homocidal, racist, homophobic, sexist-double standard morons. I will be as I began, without a hope. No hope on anything, the world might be metaphysical now. I determined too much time can make one insane, as can too little time. I began pondering about how clothing was the most commonly accepted double standard between genders; how a masculine piece of clothing, pants, were accepted as unisex, as long as it was made for a man, a man could wear it. If it were a pair of pants made for women, it was wrong for a man to use, but a woman can wear either. But it is only acceptable to wear a skirt if you are a woman. I own very little, but I still have too much (Censored so my thoughts in this post are not censored) crap, accumlated crap, mostly army crap. I quit the USAR and must resist any coercsion to return. Worst choice in my life and that choice helped put me in a position, along with bad bank practices (Because the bank accepted a loan a foolisly moronic 18 year old applied for without a real income) to get my ultra macho, uneccesarily fast, petrol chugging, can't drive in anything other than sunshine sports car (2006 Ford Mustang GT). I began to again contemplate reality as I failed to do as a teenager, and the realistic outcome is I am going to end up living in that little thing. Should trade for a class B RV, that is oddly the most appealing home I will ever have had. How sweet being mute would be, I'd have to talk/ respond to nobody. Nowhere else to go, no way to get there when you are a first world refugee. (Living in a very dreary crap-hole in the rural area of nowhere, when my home is just outside DC as I doubt I can claim my home to be a place I have not been since the beginning of my life, Tipperary, Ireland.). Building a computer is frelling 'magic'! I must be a witch or a genie or something then. Simple tasks are beyond my worldly co-inhabitants. Wendy [O Williams] was right as far as I can see. Total social disconnect. Existentialism or Nihilism? Something else? Parents on the edge of losing our crap-hole house to the rich *ricks (If you get the partially omitted word) down town. Vigilantism vs my pacifist nature? Logos and Ethos, The world shuns this crap! Pathos, one word description of the world and it's people. Pass/ Fail Content/Rage Live/Die et cetera. Who gives a frell, right? Henry Rollins and Jello Biafra help channel, re-focus my rage, dissatisfaction, but it only lasts so long before I have to go back and repeat, only to see it's effects diminish faster each time. I have no place, no purpose, so re-focus it to what? Argue with morons? Too stupid for science/ math, I fear the same for music. Less than 1mm more about 12-13 years ago (Where my wrist was cut open from a shard of glass) I might have some frelling peace, but nope, missed it like my start in life. Country (I spelled like the derogatory word for female anatomy) and bluegrass are not me, my 'culture' or any of that crap. Punk could b freedom, but it is dead like me. If you do 'love' someone, they will NEVER return your feelings. Anywhere but here, please! Minimum wage slavery for me and this docile, happy pill enduced gereation. Time is a blur. There are boundaries on what I can be. I am a slave to soldiers. Why own anything, you waste time and effort trying to keep it, it will never belong to you.


When I accumlate more, I'll post it. I am doing this as I hear it helps people. I might even try a few more things with this thread too, anything to help reach some sort of calm.