Starting new job tomorrow and freaking out (beware - long post)

swallowtail

New member
So, I'm a brand new member, but I used to read all the threads on here several years ago when my SA got really bad in school. I ended up having to withdrawal from my classes because of panic attacks just thinking of going on campus.

I've been on benzos since, as well as other meds for my bipolar disorder, and was actually doing quite well for awhile. Then everything went to hell and I've moved back home and been a recluse for about a year. I'm 25 and I'm just tired of living like this, so I started going back to therapy (even though I've never gotten help from it before) and started a job hunt. I'm used to living in the city but where I'm living now only has about 50,000 people in it. I mention this because I knew that if I had any luck of being able to stick with a job (I've got a rather spotty employment record from anxiety/BP episodes) I'd need to do something I actually enjoyed and was comfortable in...but this place has nothing like that. No record stores or book stores or anything like that. So, I had to go back to what I know/what I said I'd never do again - Retail.

I got an interview at a fairly high end fashion store (no idea what it's doing in this town) and almost didn't make it because of worrying about the interview itself/what to wear/everything. Somehow I got the job, but tomorrow is my first shift and I've been freaking out all week. Can't get it out of my mind to just call and say "I'm so sorry but I can't do this." I have no idea on how to dress. One day I went in and the store manager was just wearing jeans and a cardigan. Another day he was wearing trousers and a tie. All of this had set my anxiety higher and made my (mostly) dormant ED come back. I guess I'm thin now, according to Doctors/people, but I used to be thinner and most of the clothes that I feel are appropriate don't quite fit. They do...but not how I want them to; Not how they used to. So I've been starving myself all week and just having constant anxiety.

...and it doesn't help that I am short on my benzos. My refill is next week and I only have enough for one a day because of having to take an extra several times this month because of interviews and all that.

Sorry for the long rant/tangents. I just know that reading everyone's threads always helped me to calm down a little back in school and I also needed a place to vent where the only reaction wouldn't be "Just calm down. You're overacting." A place where people can actually relate. I don't expect many replies on this but any would be appreciated.
 

Angkorwat

Well-known member
There is no shame in over dressing for a job. If you do then that can only help you because your manager will think that you care about your job. They had to have seen something within you and that is why you got the job. Hope everything works out for you :)
 

Sea Bass

Well-known member
I'm sorry about what you are going through. It seems to me like you are trying to find something to do so that you don't start to overthink things which seems to be fueling your anxiety. I think your mind is being bombarded by negative thoughts and you are employing tactics like venting on here to defuse the bad effects that are being caused by them and I applaud you for doing so (I don't take much initiative like others on here cos I'm lazy). You are already doing some things to calm yourself which is good and I think there could be some additional benefits that you can gain if you try to reframe your mind and try to view things differently. By reframing I mean trying to see things in a slightly different way such as instead of seeing things as "a terrible first day of work that awaits me" seeing things as "a new adventure with new opportunities to grow as a person". You can try to calm yourself by thinking of your new day at work as an opportunity to discover new things about yourself and the world in general (a learning experience in other words) and not so much as a dreaded day with things unknown and out of your control. And also, try not to put so much emphasis on one job (It's not like your going to die if you dress a certain way on your first day at work).

My life has been stagnant as well (I've been a recluse for about 2 years now). I am scared that I'm going to be stuck this way for the rest of my life because I have no real support system right now, but I am trying to stay positive. I can't really relate to having an eating and bipolar disorder and I don't think I would want to have any of those. Stand strong my friend. Things will get better for you.
 

swallowtail

New member
Thanks for the replies. Well, it's over and I made it out alive. ha
I ended up working with a supervisor who I hadn't met yet and isn't a "flashy" as the two I had, so that made me feel a lot more comfortable straightaway. As you said, and I knew, I was completely overthinking every little detail...but I couldn't help it. I'm sure it will take me a few weeks to get really comfortable with everyone there but at least this first day is done. Most of my worries stemmed from not knowing the dress code/the environment of the store and I found all that out today.

Now all I have to do is freak out before my next shift. ha
 

chev

Well-known member
Thanks for the replies. Well, it's over and I made it out alive. ha
I ended up working with a supervisor who I hadn't met yet and isn't a "flashy" as the two I had, so that made me feel a lot more comfortable straightaway. As you said, and I knew, I was completely overthinking every little detail...but I couldn't help it. I'm sure it will take me a few weeks to get really comfortable with everyone there but at least this first day is done. Most of my worries stemmed from not knowing the dress code/the environment of the store and I found all that out today.

Now all I have to do is freak out before my next shift. ha

That's good to hear it went well, and you should be proud of yourself for sticking with it. I get the same way about things too. When my anxiety kicks in before social situations or changes, I feel like cancelling a lot of times. Sometimes they don't turn out to be as bad as I anticipate, so then I'll be glad I went through with them. Just this past week I had an interview coming up for a job, and I almost cancelled it because I was so terrified. It ended up being very low-key and relaxed, so now I'm glad I hadn't cancelled. Good luck continuing with the job! :)
 
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