I've mentioned this in a previous post but I'll go more into detail about it now..
I had a friend who I had known for around 5 years (I'm 17 so that is quite long for me.) She was my definition of perfect; she was beautiful, long dark brown hair with greenish-blue eyes, around 5ft 6-7, she has a amazing personality - one of the few people who actually attempted to understand me.. She is probably the most kind and loving person I knew. The reason I refer to her in past tense is because I totally messed everything up with her..
By the way I've described I think it's evident that I liked her, if not loved her. Every time I needed someone to talk to she'd be there, but I never ended up telling her anything and despite how frustrating that must have been she put up with it, she went with it..
After a long time of 'liking' her one day she was upset and I was comforting her, she was crying because of her ex boyfriend who I always hated (not just through jealousy, but because of the way he treated her.) She looked up at me and told me she loved me, said I've been the only person who has always been there for her and never expected anything in return.. I told her I liked her and always have done, I kissed her and she returned the kiss.
About 8 months passed of us basically acting like a couple, although we never actually labeled it as us being 'together'. During that time I never told her anything, every time she tried to get to know me more or understand me I tried to push her away.. Surprisingly she put up with this for a while despite me knowing everything about her.. I fed her small things which I believed would make it seem like I was telling her things about me. Despite me actually loving this girl, I couldn't tell her anything because I feared her opinion of me would change.
One day we got in a argument because she realized how little she knew about me despite us knowing eachother for 5 years, she confronted me asking me why I couldn't trust her when she has told me everything about herself.. She wanted to know why I couldn't trust her when in her own words, she trusted me with her life. She told me if I couldn't trust her then there wasn't a point in anything...
Despite me loving her, I couldn't bring myself to trust her. I blew it, I told her nothing and watched her walk away. I can tell you, many people wouldn't understand the concept of a broken heart until you feel the horrid feeling I felt at that moment I realized I had blown everything. I had realized what I had done.
I realized that for the past 8 months I had lead her on, made her believe I trusted her by feeding her small things so she'd stop asking questions for a while.. I took advantage of her trust.
I could have called her and told her everything that she wanted to know, but I knew she deserved better. I deleted her number and because I'm no longer in school, I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. She doesn't have facebook either, so there's no chance of me searching for her on that...
I thought it'd be better to let her go hating me, that way she'd get over me sooner.. Despite it hurting me so much knowing how I made her feel, knowing she hated me.. I thought it would have been easier for her that way.
That happened almost 2 years ago now, and I still get the same feeling I got that day every time I think of her. I sometimes think of how she is now, what she's doing, who she's with and pray that she's with someone who could be the man I couldn't be.
I regret not trusting her, I wish I had told her everything because I know that she would never have changed her opinion of me.. But the insecurity and fear that things would change wouldn't allow me to tell her.. And that truly is something I will regret all of my life.
Sorry for the big story, just a little down and needed to vent.
I had a friend who I had known for around 5 years (I'm 17 so that is quite long for me.) She was my definition of perfect; she was beautiful, long dark brown hair with greenish-blue eyes, around 5ft 6-7, she has a amazing personality - one of the few people who actually attempted to understand me.. She is probably the most kind and loving person I knew. The reason I refer to her in past tense is because I totally messed everything up with her..
By the way I've described I think it's evident that I liked her, if not loved her. Every time I needed someone to talk to she'd be there, but I never ended up telling her anything and despite how frustrating that must have been she put up with it, she went with it..
After a long time of 'liking' her one day she was upset and I was comforting her, she was crying because of her ex boyfriend who I always hated (not just through jealousy, but because of the way he treated her.) She looked up at me and told me she loved me, said I've been the only person who has always been there for her and never expected anything in return.. I told her I liked her and always have done, I kissed her and she returned the kiss.
About 8 months passed of us basically acting like a couple, although we never actually labeled it as us being 'together'. During that time I never told her anything, every time she tried to get to know me more or understand me I tried to push her away.. Surprisingly she put up with this for a while despite me knowing everything about her.. I fed her small things which I believed would make it seem like I was telling her things about me. Despite me actually loving this girl, I couldn't tell her anything because I feared her opinion of me would change.
One day we got in a argument because she realized how little she knew about me despite us knowing eachother for 5 years, she confronted me asking me why I couldn't trust her when she has told me everything about herself.. She wanted to know why I couldn't trust her when in her own words, she trusted me with her life. She told me if I couldn't trust her then there wasn't a point in anything...
Despite me loving her, I couldn't bring myself to trust her. I blew it, I told her nothing and watched her walk away. I can tell you, many people wouldn't understand the concept of a broken heart until you feel the horrid feeling I felt at that moment I realized I had blown everything. I had realized what I had done.
I realized that for the past 8 months I had lead her on, made her believe I trusted her by feeding her small things so she'd stop asking questions for a while.. I took advantage of her trust.
I could have called her and told her everything that she wanted to know, but I knew she deserved better. I deleted her number and because I'm no longer in school, I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. She doesn't have facebook either, so there's no chance of me searching for her on that...
I thought it'd be better to let her go hating me, that way she'd get over me sooner.. Despite it hurting me so much knowing how I made her feel, knowing she hated me.. I thought it would have been easier for her that way.
That happened almost 2 years ago now, and I still get the same feeling I got that day every time I think of her. I sometimes think of how she is now, what she's doing, who she's with and pray that she's with someone who could be the man I couldn't be.
I regret not trusting her, I wish I had told her everything because I know that she would never have changed her opinion of me.. But the insecurity and fear that things would change wouldn't allow me to tell her.. And that truly is something I will regret all of my life.
Sorry for the big story, just a little down and needed to vent.
