Someone tells you that they just want to be friends

[themousethatroared]

Have you ever developed a crush on someone only to realize that the person did not share your feelings? Have you had the person tell you that they just wanted to be friends? I had this happen to me lately. I thought I was perfectly fine with it. Friends are good to have I thought. No harm in sharing your feelings towards someone I thought. I thought I was okay with it but I wasn't. I felt rejected and the thought came to me of "Oh no not this again!" These thoughts became increasingly difficult to turn off. Then I wanted to get away from these thoughts so I thought I would stay away from the person. It didn't work. I felt guilty and mean and the person felt hurt. I could not turn back what I had done and do it differently. What is done is done I guess. How do I handle this better in the future? How do I not create a fear of sharing my feelings again?

 

[SqueakyGibson]

Have you ever developed a crush on someone only to realize that the person did not share your feelings? Have you had the person tell you that they just wanted to be friends?

Hell, that's standard. It's never been any other way for me.

I now dread and loathe the awful "starting to fancy a female friend" feeling, because it means I'm going to torture myself with feelings she won't reciprocate, and I'll probably lose the friendship too.

 

[Kinetik]

I've only ever had it the other way around, where I'm just trying to be a nice guy and get uninvited flirtations as a result. I don't encourage that development in that I generally feel uncomfortable in a typical relationship, because I know it will expose me to all kinds of social settings where every day is a challenge to get through.

 

[Thelema]

I had this happen to me not too long ago. Even tho I knew a relationship would never work out but I had developed feelings for a girl. I had been feeling these feelings for months and decided to tell her. When I told her she said that I didn't have feelings for her! I told her I really was in love with her and she still didn't believe me! Later on that week...She said that she doesn't have feelings for me and that it would never work out. I felt a little broken hearted for a while but I knew she didn't have feelings for me so I didn't feel bad for very long because if fate wants us together then we'll be together and if she doesn't love me I can't make her love me. She knows I still love her and that I'll always love her and we're still good friends so it isn't so bad.

 

[Emma]

That happened to me, I think I went way overboard with sending him emails telling him how much I loved him and that I would change my whole life for him
Which is bad because I could never say it to his face, and now he's completely ignoring me.
It hurts when someone doesn't want to be anything more than friends and you have feelings for them.
I guess it doesn't hurt to share your feelings though, the only thing that happened to me was feeling like a shit, well, more than usual anyway

 

[Y]

Hell, that's standard. It's never been any other way for me.

I now dread and loathe the awful "starting to fancy a female friend" feeling, because it means I'm going to torture myself with feelings she won't reciprocate, and I'll probably lose the friendship too.

Same for me too, isnt it ironic Squeaky? :wink:

That happened to me, I think I went way overboard with sending him emails telling him how much I loved him and that I would change my whole life for him
Which is bad because I could never say it to his face, and now he's completely ignoring me.
It hurts when someone doesn't want to be anything more than friends and you have feelings for them.
I guess it doesn't hurt to share your feelings though, the only thing that happened to me was feeling like a shit, well, more than usual anyway

I totally get what you mean, i did the same and told someone i loved him, all it did was to make me feel like shit just like you. I guess *some people* dont like to be loved...

 

[NJ_Punk]

I can relate to this, i've just never actually told her. Another friend is convinced she feels the same for me but i don't wanna risk it. I know it'll put her in an awkward situation if i told her and i really don't want to do that.

God bless unrequited love

 

[Thelema]

I can relate to this, i've just never actually told her. Another friend is convinced she feels the same for me but i don't wanna risk it. I know it'll put her in an awkward situation if i told her and i really don't want to do that.

God bless unrequited love

Send her a message on Myspace or instand message her it will be a lot easier and you'll be able to think a little bit about what you say. Don't let her go with another guy because she doesn't know you feel the same way about her!

 

[NJ_Punk]

I can relate to this, i've just never actually told her. Another friend is convinced she feels the same for me but i don't wanna risk it. I know it'll put her in an awkward situation if i told her and i really don't want to do that.

God bless unrequited love

Send her a message on Myspace or instand message her it will be a lot easier and you'll be able to think a little bit about what you say. Don't let her go with another guy because she doesn't know you feel the same way about her!

Thanks for the advice,Thelema, but this one can only be done face to face. Shes an old friend and someone i work with so if i were to do something about it it would have to be face to face.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

Try going out with somebody for 7 months and then them telling you they "only think of you as a friend." And he didn't even mean that...he didn't even want to be my friend. :x :evil:

 

[LA-girl]

Yup, this thing has happened to me too recently. Just the other way around...I was the rejecter. He said he thought maybe i was starting to get feelings for him as well, which I don't get as I was just being a friend. The worst part though is having to tell him that I don't want to be anything more than friends, cause I know how much it probably hurts him...

 

[renegadee]

''Someone tells you that they just want to be friends''

Yes that is what I am trying to say to my ex for like 2 months now.

 

[Quixote]

It's a bit unfair in my opinion to pretend one "just wants to be friends" with somebody whom one knows holds deeper feelings, as by saying that you implicitly seek to keep a relation alive in which you keep for yourself a position of rather unfair advantage over the other person, be it a guy or (slightly less common) a girl. A simple plain rejection would often do much less damage in my opinion.

But hey... everybody likes to be loved "for free", so there is not much to do about it really Not judging anybody here btw..

 

[Colin]

I agree with Quixote. Or sometimes people are too shy to give a plain simple rejection. The best thing for both individuals, I think, is to accept the 'friends' thing as a flat-out rejection and start searching again, however shallow or rude it may initially seem.

 

[LA-girl]

It's a bit unfair in my opinion to pretend one "just wants to be friends" with somebody whom one knows holds deeper feelings, as by saying that you implicitly seek to keep a relation alive in which you keep for yourself a position of rather unfair advantage over the other person, be it a guy or (slightly less common) a girl. A simple plain rejection would often do much less damage in my opinion.

But hey... everybody likes to be loved "for free", so there is not much to do about it really Not judging anybody here btw..

I don't understand this Quixote, at all! Do you think I am saying to this guy that I just want to be friends just in order to be "loved" for free? You make it sound like I am holding on to the friendship because I feel I have something to gain by doing so. That sounds really selfish doesn't it and it upsets me to hear you say that. As if I was only occupied about my own happiness. Maybe you were not trying to judge anyone, but yet you did. I actually told him that either just friends or nothing at all. It was his choice to make, and I would feel extremely cruel to all of the sudden totally ignore him! You would need a heart made out of stone to be able to just cut the rope like that, and I guess I don't posess one... :roll:

 

[SocialRetahd]

ahhh the ole guy meets girl, guy befriends girl, guy asks girl out, girl rejects guy.

 

[Quixote]

I don't understand this Quixote, at all! Do you think I am saying to this guy that I just want to be friends just in order to be "loved" for free? You make it sound like I am holding on to the friendship because I feel I have something to gain by doing so. That sounds really selfish doesn't it

Well mine was intended as a general remark, not specifically directed at you in special, and if you read what I wrote again you will see that I did not mean to say that people, least of all yourself, consciously and systematically seek to exploit others' feelings to their advantage.. However, when such a situation naturally occurs, it usually happens that the "loved one", sensing instinctively to be in a position of advantage, has no incentive to make a strong move towards ending the relationship, since after all there is no disadvantage to him/her. Instead of saying a clear "no", one often makes a counter offer of friendship, mainly because it is a polite phrasing as Colin rightly pointed out, but also perhaps because it is quite pleasant and convenient after all to get love for the price of friendship. Selfish? Yes a little, that's why I said it seemed unfair to me, but a (moderate) degree of selfishness is part of human nature, and it would simply be hypocritical to say otherwise.
Besides, I wouldn't be any less "selfish" myself most likely, so again I really wasn't judging anyone.

 

[blackcap]

There was an article in my local paper today about single females complaining about the lack of decent single men.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10413560

Some quotes from one of the girls:

"They need to have good taste in music ... and shoes. They have to have the whole package, and they rarely do."

"A lot of my single girlfriends are really beautiful, intelligent girls, nothing wrong with them. But they just can't find a man. [The men are] all taken or else total geeks."

She sounds totally shallow, but I wonder how many women actually think like this? That last sentence definitely explains my single status (being a total geek and all...!)

 

[Horatio]

There was an article in my local paper today about single females complaining about the lack of decent single men.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10413560

Some quotes from one of the girls:

"They need to have good taste in music ... and shoes. They have to have the whole package, and they rarely do."

"A lot of my single girlfriends are really beautiful, intelligent girls, nothing wrong with them. But they just can't find a man. [The men are] all taken or else total geeks."

She sounds totally shallow, but I wonder how many women actually think like this? That last sentence definitely explains my single status (being a total geek and all...!)

yeah I read that article. It is however about New Zealand chicks. And to be perfectly honest I think the article DOES reflect the attitude of 95% of New Zealand single women.

They are so very eager to complain about how men are bastards, how men arent this and aren't that. Yet they have their sights set on 10% of the male population, scarcely giving the rest a glance. Perhaps if they stopped being so attracted to bastards and gave the nice guys a go then they may in fact be happier?

Im torn between becoming a bastard so I can score a chick or staying a nice guy and perfecting the art of singledom

 

[LA-girl]

Well mine was intended as a general remark, not specifically directed at you in special, and if you read what I wrote again you will see that I did not mean to say that people, least of all yourself, consciously and systematically seek to exploit others' feelings to their advantage.. However, when such a situation naturally occurs, it usually happens that the "loved one", sensing instinctively to be in a position of advantage, has no incentive to make a strong move towards ending the relationship, since after all there is no disadvantage to him/her. Instead of saying a clear "no", one often makes a counter offer of friendship, mainly because it is a polite phrasing as Colin rightly pointed out, but also perhaps because it is quite pleasant and convenient after all to get love for the price of friendship. Selfish? Yes a little, that's why I said it seemed unfair to me, but a (moderate) degree of selfishness is part of human nature, and it would simply be hypocritical to say otherwise.
Besides, I wouldn't be any less "selfish" myself most likely, so again I really wasn't judging anyone.

Well I can not speak for every girl or guy for that matter, but I can speak for myself and this explanation of yours just doesn't fit the way I experience it. I mean how can I enjoy feeling loved by another person when I know how much it pains him that I can not return his feelings? If I knew he was perfectly alright with being "rejected" it might have been another story,but as you probably understand that is just not the case.
However if I knew it would help him more to end our friendship for good, I would not hesitate doing so for even a second! Even if it meant me loosing a good friend. Because the fear of having to go through this process once again in the future is after all quite challenging. Being rejected must be terrible and that is the very reason why being the rejecter is plain out awful as well with no advantage added! That is at least how I feel about this matter...