Social anxiety, GAD, MDD, ADHD, psychosis

anxi5

New member
#1
Hi everyone. Looking for a place to vent, get some reference points bc I can’t always distinguish reality. I think I’ve been looking for answers from people who don’t understand at all. So here I am.

I’m 20. I’m native and gay. I was first diagnosed with MDD and GAD a couple years ago. SSRIs, SSNRI, Wellbutrin. Etc no antidepressants helped. They all made me feel weird and sometimes worse. I moved recently somewhere there’s better healthcare. Did QB testing for diagnoses with mixed type ADHD, and social anxiety disorder. Took Adderall for a couple weeks, thought it was helping but I had a few very distressing days recently and got an emergency appt with psychiatrist. I told them some more details about the last couple years how “disconnected” I’ve been feeling so they took me off Adderall and put me on abilify. I looked at my notes online and they put pyschosis, undiagnosed type in my diagnosis.

Now it’s day 3 on abilify and I feel so weird. Extremely ****ing tired these last three days.

I have chronic pain and I’m in the process of scheduling surgery for untreated congenital muscular Torticollis. I’m in so much pain all the time that I have had delusions that I’m capable of doing my own surgery. Watching videos while I’m digging my nails into my neck. Thinking I’ll slice the muscle myself and go to the emergency room so they’ll have to finish it. All I have is NSAIDs. And weed. I spend almost any money I get (basically nothing because I’m jobless) on weed and get family to buy it for me.

I’m go to school in NYC but Ive been on medical leave for 2 years.

I don’t do anything with my life. No work or school I just go to the doctor a lot. But I never feel satisfied leaving the doctors office I feel they don’t understand how bad I’m feeling. I want to go to the ER at some point almost every day. I dissociate in public, I freeze up or shake with interpersonal situations.

Life sucks and I wish I didn’t have to live it at all but I love my family too much to hurt them by leaving. And I’m scared it’ll just start all over or a worse reality will start. And I’ll never escape. I’ll never escape in this lifetime and even if I try to die it might just backfire. And I never know what’s coming next. And this thought can paralyze me sometimes.

Ok I need to stop or I’ll keep distressing myself I’m going to watch vampire diaries with my little sister and not think about any of this...
 
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