Hey,
My last post was in May and since then, I tried to get over my anxiety and trust issues with those around me. I never did, but I pretended that I did. I told myself I trusted people without actually trusting them, I told myself I could talk to people but never actually spoke to them (about personal matters.) All seemed well until basically the illusion I was putting myself under came back and hit me, I wasn't happy.. I was pretending to be.
This happens pretty much every year, I'll be happy and trying to get on with my life.. Attempting to socialize. I'll be like this for 2-3 months then I'm back to square 1 for a couple of months until I try to pick myself up again. It's just a battle I can't win, because I seem to be my own worst enemy.
On top of all of that, no matter how close I feel I am to someone or how much I like someone I can never feel like I'm worth their time.. Or if I like a girl, I always feel she can and deserves better. I basically mess up every chance I get, because I want people to be happy and it just seems to me that misery follows me where ever I go. I'd feel like I'm burdening her with myself, because as you've probably guessed.. I'm not the easiest of people to understand..
I also have a tendency to be quite a 'cold' person. I just don't feel like I can connect with others. I just seem to have a wall blocking off my emotions every time I feel I'm bonding with someone so eventually, everyone gets fed up and walks away.
To top it all off, I've been having some really strange dreams and upon talking to someone online who's a dream translator..(Haven't told this person about my anxiety or any personal matters) He told me that my dreams translate into me being very self conscious and that I have a lot of emotional healing involved, and that there's a time in my life and/or an experience that I can't let go, but will only heal when I do.
I already know what that experience is, but letting go something you don't feel you can, something that haunts you every day of your life.. Is horribly difficult.
I know this is a mixture of different feelings and emotions, but it's basically what's going on in my head. I don't know what to feel, or why I'm feeling. All I know is I feel lonely and empty, but incapable of repairing the empty feeling.
My last post was in May and since then, I tried to get over my anxiety and trust issues with those around me. I never did, but I pretended that I did. I told myself I trusted people without actually trusting them, I told myself I could talk to people but never actually spoke to them (about personal matters.) All seemed well until basically the illusion I was putting myself under came back and hit me, I wasn't happy.. I was pretending to be.
This happens pretty much every year, I'll be happy and trying to get on with my life.. Attempting to socialize. I'll be like this for 2-3 months then I'm back to square 1 for a couple of months until I try to pick myself up again. It's just a battle I can't win, because I seem to be my own worst enemy.
On top of all of that, no matter how close I feel I am to someone or how much I like someone I can never feel like I'm worth their time.. Or if I like a girl, I always feel she can and deserves better. I basically mess up every chance I get, because I want people to be happy and it just seems to me that misery follows me where ever I go. I'd feel like I'm burdening her with myself, because as you've probably guessed.. I'm not the easiest of people to understand..
I also have a tendency to be quite a 'cold' person. I just don't feel like I can connect with others. I just seem to have a wall blocking off my emotions every time I feel I'm bonding with someone so eventually, everyone gets fed up and walks away.
To top it all off, I've been having some really strange dreams and upon talking to someone online who's a dream translator..(Haven't told this person about my anxiety or any personal matters) He told me that my dreams translate into me being very self conscious and that I have a lot of emotional healing involved, and that there's a time in my life and/or an experience that I can't let go, but will only heal when I do.
I already know what that experience is, but letting go something you don't feel you can, something that haunts you every day of your life.. Is horribly difficult.
I know this is a mixture of different feelings and emotions, but it's basically what's going on in my head. I don't know what to feel, or why I'm feeling. All I know is I feel lonely and empty, but incapable of repairing the empty feeling.
