Simple simpsons2007 boring life diary

[simpsons2007]

A lot has happened since I was last on here. So I decided to write a boring diary thingy to update you all.

It must be well over 6 months since I was last on here. I stopped coming on here because I had hit rock bottom and fell off the wagon big time. I'm still off the wagon but I'm slowly trying to get back on it day by day.

Some of the regulars of SPW might know that I had an assessment to get some help. Which was maybe 9/10 months ago. I finally got some help which was about 5 months after the assessment I had. After having no help from anyone for over a yr. I was just getting used to seeing this lady I was seeing for about 4 months. And she was coming over once a week for an hr and then she told me that she has been moved to a different county to work in. And I would no longer see her. When she told me I was disappointed and felt let down. It was like I was being passed off from one person to another just like before. I've only meet this other lady who took over from the previous one twice so far and she seems quite nice. I feel quite comfortable being around her but not comfortable enough to talk to her about my problems and I don't think I will ever be able to feel comfortable talking to her (but that's just the way I am. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone). I've never before felt comfortable being around someone. It's quite a nice feeling.

I've been let down all my life by people that I have completely no trust left to give people anymore! Not even with my own family who is also helping to support me in getting better.

It's been nearly a yr since I split up with my gf of 10yrs and living in the same house as her with our daughter. And up until 4/5 weeks ago I was still living with my ex. Then about 7 weeks ago I was told by my support worker that the council had found me a flat to move in to. And with in 2 weeks of being told about the flat I had moved out. The flat I'm living in is supported housing. Which means that there is a support worker that comes around and helps you with what ever you need help with. Its not a permanent flat. I can stay here min of 6 months to max 2yrs. The support worker will review problems after 6 months and decided then if I need to stay here longer or not. And if not I will be at the top of the housing list for a flat.

Finally I'm living away from my ex and I feel a bit more relaxed in myself. But the down side is I am extremely depressed being away from my daughter and living by myself. I have never been completely alone before. This is my first time ever in 31 yrs of life. I have always lived with someone. And now I'm having to try and cope being by myself. Which is extremely hard for me. As I can't go out to shops or go outside when other people are around.

I moved out 4 weeks ago I have only see my daughter on a Saturday's for 4 hrs. Which isn't enough for me. I would love to spend more time with her. But I know it's quite a lot for my daughter to cope with. Any longer and my daughter will get too upset. Because after about 2 hrs of daughter being with me all she wants to do is to go home and be with her mum. And when she's with me and keeps asking to go home it kills me inside. I don't let it show that it hurts me when she says that. I know it's a lot for a young child to take in that mummy and daddy are no longer living in the same house. I'm wondering whether or not it would be easier if I didn't see her anymore?

Even though I am now completely alone. I don't actually feel lonely yet but I know it's still early days. I have felt more alone when I was living with someone. If that makes since? (probably not).

I think I'll leave there for now. More has happened but it's things I don't feel able to talk about just now. I'm not too sure yet how often I'll come on here and update this.

 

[kihira]

Those are big changes you're dealing with, I hope you can keep positive and it all turns out well for you and your daughter. Welcome back

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

Hello! i noticed you hadn't been online for a while and i have to say i missed seeing your posts on here ::

sounds like a lot has happened in your life, i really hope things get better for you. it can be depressing being alone. if you dont have any pets you may want to consider getting a dog, they are a great substitute for a human companion.

as for your daugther, she's young and when she says she wants to go home it definately doesnt mean she doesnt want to be with you, most children arent too patient and dont like to be away from home for a long time and often have a strong connection with their mother. but she needs a dad in her life and no matter how much she asks to go back home to Mom, just remember that when she grows up she'll have great memories of a wonderful dad, so don't take that away from her. maybe you could work something out with your ex and go over to her house to visit your daughter, or maybe work something out where you can spend more days a week with your daughter but not for such long periods of time. you may also want to try planning something out with your ex like a "family night" where you all do something fun together, or have a family dinner night and eat out once a month with your ex and daughter. it's a great way for you to bond more with your daughter since she may feel more comfortable with both her mom and dad there, and she'll have lots of fun family memories.

anyways, best of luck to you!

 

[Feathers]

Hey Simpy! Good to see you back on the forums!

And good to hear you've been getting help (although it did take a long time - gah!)
Hope you manage to relax around your counsellor enough to be able to talk to her too - that's what she's there for!!

As for daughter - how old is she, approximately? And what does she like doing? Small kids need 'change' and interesting things like eg playground (and yeah it can be cold outside for 4+ hours), bigger have different interests... So it might be good to come up with interesting things she & you could enjoy together? (And maybe her mum too?) Good ideas by SB above... There are sites, articles & books with ideas on what to do with kids, your ex and your daughter might have some suggestions too?

More importantly, are you keeping it sober & is there a support group you can go to? It can be good to meet more people who have been going through the same/similar things!! Your ex and your daughter will be able to trust you more then too!! (if they know you're in a good program and making an effort! Maybe you can negotiate some things, with the help of your counsellor/social worker...?)

Are wife & daughter in a program for relatives (eg Al Anon or such?) I've just recently read an interview where a social worker says how he enjoys seeing families that were 'broken apart' before find new ways of functioning and living better!! So, fingers crossed for you guys too??
Some people can be better friends when living apart, and who knows maybe things can change in a few months or a few years?

It's good you're living on your own, in a way - you'll learn to live on your own and then it'll be easier to live with others I guess... (and not take them for granted or be taken for granted) A friend hated living on her own at first, but then she really learnt to enjoy it!!

Take care & hope to hear more from you!

 

[MrJones]

Welcome back simpsons! I hope everything ends up going well. Good luck!

 

[simpsons2007]

Thank you guy's and girl's for your comments and support it means a lot to me to know theres someone out there listening to what I say and type.

Anyway this is supposed to be my diary. So I'd better get on with it. lol

This week has been quite stressful so far. My daughter had a hospital appointment at a child development center (because she is quite delayed in all areas of learning). It was only for a review, to see how she was getting on. But the only way I could get to the appointment was with the ex and her mother in her car. There was NO way I could cope with getting two buses there and two buses back to the hospital by myself. After that appointment at the hospital I had an appointment with the support worker at the flat I've just moved into 4 weeks ago. Which went OK. She didn't stay long as she knew I was mentally tired after the previous appointment.

Thats it for this week so far.

 

[Feathers]

Sorry to hear it was stressful, hope things get better!

It's good you could get a ride with the ex, maybe you can practice buses later in a more relaxed time? (In UK some buses can get confusing I know.) Or is there the tube? (I found that easier.)
Hope your daughter does well too!! If she's had some troubles in development, maybe she can get impatient soon because of that... so it's a thing to consider and they can maybe give you good tips on what to do with her on visits etc?

What were you doing otherwise - read any good books or seen any good films lately? Still makin' the appartment pretty?

Take care & keep us updated!

 

[simpsons2007]

@Feathers. I've not read anything for quite a while. I can't seem to focus my mind on reading at the moment and I've not seem any good films for ages. And as with the flat I'm in I can't really do much to make it look nice as I'm probably won't be living in it for long.


I've had two appointments with two different support workers and a doctors appointment.

My first appointment with my support worker was OK. She has been work on taking me out for a short walk to the local corner shop and back. We've not gone into the shop yet. She wants to get me use to and comfortable with the route to the shop and being outside first. Before we start to work on going into the shop. I think it will be a few weeks or months before we get to that stage.

Because we've only just started working together on our short walks she asks me questions so she can get to know me. And she wanted to know how old I was and she was very surprised by the answer she got. I said "I'm 31" she was like "no! really?" "yes really" "but I thought you were me age about 24"

My other appointment with my other support worker was OK. All we did was go out for a walk around the block which took about 45mins. She said she has never worked with anyone with my problems before. Someone who finds it hard going out and being around people. Whilst we were out she noticed some people walking toward us and she could see it was making me feel anxious. So she moved herself in a position where she was standing in between me and the people coming toward us. Which made my feel a little less anxious.

And then there was my doctors appointment. Which started off OK. The waiting room was completely empty to start with. Which made me feel more relaxed being in there. And then from out of nowhere the waiting room filled up. By the time I got to see the doctor after sitting there like a nervous wreck for what seemed like hrs but was only 30mins. I was in with the doctor for two mins and was rushed out the door.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

My first appointment with my support worker was OK. She has been work on taking me out for a short walk to the local corner shop and back. We've not gone into the shop yet. She wants to get me use to and comfortable with the route to the shop and being outside first. Before we start to work on going into the shop. I think it will be a few weeks or months before we get to that stage.

wow you're support worker seems to be pretty good for having not worked with anyone with SA before! I know when i went to see a psychiatrist she never worked with SA and she did absolutely nothing for me, like she knew what SA was but she didn't understand what I was going though and how I felt. And back before i knew about SA i had a social worker who kept telling me my problems were b/c of bad relationships with my family (which wasn't it at all). I wish i had a nicer support person like you have, or at least someone who specializes in communication disorders or has worked with SA people before. you're so lucky and i hope your therapy is going well and proves successful!
as for feeling nervous in the waiting room and such, do you have an mp3 or iPod or any music device? I don't know about you but whenever i listen to music around people it takes off some stress and im so absorbed in it i barely notice the people around me. also, less people try to talk to me because they see ive got my earphones on. that might work for you if you haven't already tried it?
good luck to you i hope you can overcome the struggles you are going through

 

[simpsons2007]

A family member really annoyed on Friday. They came around my flat about 5pm unannounced and said
"guess what I've been doing today?"
"I don't know. What did you do?"
"well I've just spent the day with your daughter. I picked her up about 10:30am, took her to the park and had a pic-knick. Then I took your daughter on a few fairground rides and the I took her up to see your gran. I was just on my way back home from dropping your daughter off back at your ex's and thought I'd drop by to tell you."
What really annoyed me was, this family member had just spent nearly 6hrs with my daughter (which is 2hrs more than what I see her all week) and they didn't even bother to think about coming by my flat with my daughter so I could see her and spend some extra time with her. They even had to walk right by my flat to take my daughter back to the ex's house. They know that I only get to see her once a week for 4hrs and I would love to see her more.


I was sorting out some of my things today which I haven't got around to unpacking yet. I was just looking through the boxes to see if there was anything I needed to unpack and I came across a small photo album. So I decided to take it out and have a look through it and see what the pictures was of. As I was looking through it, it was all pictures of the day my daughter was born. I just can't believe it was nearly 7yrs ago. Time seems to go by so quickly now. As I was looking at the pictures it was making feel more depressed than I am normally. It wasn't because we're no longer living together in the same house but because I just could not remember that day. I know I was at the birth because I have these pictures and family have told me I was there and that I had cut the cord but I just can't remember anything about that day at all. I glad I have these pictures if I didn't have the pictures I wouldn't really know I was there. There goes another memory. I just hope there not lost forever.


The first 5 weeks living by myself in my flat I didn't feel lonely at all. But now 7 weeks in and being a bit more settled in, I'm starting to feel completely alone and isolated. I don't have any friends at all I can to talk to or to just hang out with. I'm unable to leave my flat by myself at the moment to meet anyone and even if I could leave the flat I would not be able to go up to anyone and start talking to them. I just feel that the way my life is going I'm going to be a this sad loner forever. I can't see anyway of it changing.

 

[simpsons2007]

I had a good day with my daughter yesterday. It was the first time she had been over and didn't start moaning and crying to go back home to see mummy. I'm hoping that she's getting more use to it now. We had some fun, played some games and toys for a while. She chased me around the living room. I cooked her some dinner and before I knew it the ex was knocking at the door to take our daughter back home again. The time I have with me daughter goes by far too quick.

 

[simpsons2007]

It's really hard being away from my daughter. I don't feel that I'm involved in her life or informed on whats going on. What makes it worse is. I'm never told how she is getting on at school, how she's doing or whats happening.

Some examples:

I found out the other day in a meeting I went to that the ex had taken daughter to the doctors 4 times in 3 weeks and one of those times she had taken her to the out of hrs doctor. And the ex never told me. At the meeting was the first time I had heard that the ex had taken daughter to doctors. She couldn't be bothered to ring me to let me know. Or even a simple text message would've been enough if she didn't want to talk to me.

There has also been two new support workers for my daughter who have taken over from previous support workers in the past 6 weeks. Which I was only told about in the meeting. The ex couldn't be bothered to let me know they had changed. But she had the time to let her new partner of two months about all of this. I also found out that the ex's new bf who she's only been going out with for two months knew all of this before me. This stranger in my daughters life knows more than me about whats going on.

Despite what the ex did to me and put me through I always thought that we were on speaking terms. Even if it was just for the sake of our daughter. But I guess I was wrong.

 

[simpsons2007]

I've been seeing a new cpn for about 2 months. And he keeps asking me questions about my past. That I don't know the answers to. So he wants me to do a memory time line.

I thought this would be easy to do. All I have to do is write some words down on paper. But boy how wrong was I? I have to think about past experiences. Which I've spent many, many years trying to forget about. I think he wants me to do this, to try and find the root cause of my social phobia and depression.

I am trying to look on the brighter side of doing this. Because I might finally find out why I have social phobia and depression. If he can find out why I might be able to slowly start getting over it. But at the same time I'm scared I might find out the truth about some memories that I don't want to be true.

 

[Nathália]

Yep, It's a healing process that can take a while and go down dark paths. It is hard to sit there and retell things, I hope you get something from it too.