Phantasystar4
Member
Its my very first time posting on a forum or asking for help online. Actually I very rarely ask for help. Its something I always had so much trouble doing. oh and I want to apologize in advance for my bad english. My first language is french.
Well to start with I'm extreamly shy (disgnosed with social phobia and avoident personality). People refer to me as being mute or silent or little. I very rarely talk and when I do I always feel like a complete idiot. I run throught my head over and over again the two little words I menaged to say, thinking I should have said something smarter or said it differently. I feel so overly incomfortable around people and I get really stress out as soon as someone is near me. I just freeze and cant even seem to be able to think clearly. Often I believe I have some level of retardation. I wasnt all that great in school either. I did a few I.Q test and I have a average intelligence, rating from 110 to 125. But even with this I just always feel so stupid.
So because of this I isolated myself. At some point I just decided that It was better being alone since I always feel rediculous and ashame in public. For a very long time I just used my imagination to compensate for having no social life experience. I lived out in my head. Imaginating I was going out with the cute girl I like instead of even trying to talk to her and make it a reality. People seems to have very mixed opinon about me. Some say i'm the nicest guy and others that I'm just snob and cold. I just really keep to myself and even though I like everyone at work for example I cant even say hi to them when I start my shift. They try to talk to me but I end up answering with just a few words. And like I said earlier those few words I menage to say I always end up thinking they were not clever enough and that I probably sounded like an idiot.
I know I am very hard on myself. I want things to be too perfect and I can never deliver since no one can be perfect. I'm probably just a very average person but I always feel so inferior. Nothing ever seem to be good enough. For exemple, I was seen as a ugly guy when I was younger. Then later in highschool I started working out and taking better care of my apparence and dress better. I was actually seen as a good looking guy starting college and as shy as I was I got asked out by a few girls (that I refused going out with since I didnt think i was good enough). And even with this I still cant put through my head that I'm not ugly anymore. If not every single girl find me attractive then to me it simply means that i'm ugly.
Last night at work (I work night shift since there is less people) I really got overwhelmed. I work very hard and do a good job and for the next couple months my boss made me a superviser. But this is a temporary position and i'm not actually paid more for it. My boss told me he might leave in a few months so I will then get the position permanently. I kind of feel like their taking advantage of me. Making me work a lot more with false promise of a promotion. I know i'm a good employe and all but I think they gave me the position to try to get me to open up and get rid of my shyness a bit.
Now my boss his seing that its not making much of a difference on me. I am still as shy and quiet as ever. And last night he was trying to push me around. He made sure the employes would end very late which means I would have to do everything very quickly with the little time left for the day since I have to wait for them to finish to do my job. I made a lot of mistakes being so stressed out and he didnt lay a finger to help me out. I dont think I ever gotten so angry. I managed to tell him in a very squeaky voice tone lol that he was just trying to stress me out.
Anyway today I feel very depressed about this and everything. I feel like giving up since I obviously can't really do such a social job. Assisting others while having so much trouble even talking. Not mentioning how little support and positive feed back I get from my superiors.
I'm sorry for this bible of a first post. But it did feel a bit libarating writting it.
Well to start with I'm extreamly shy (disgnosed with social phobia and avoident personality). People refer to me as being mute or silent or little. I very rarely talk and when I do I always feel like a complete idiot. I run throught my head over and over again the two little words I menaged to say, thinking I should have said something smarter or said it differently. I feel so overly incomfortable around people and I get really stress out as soon as someone is near me. I just freeze and cant even seem to be able to think clearly. Often I believe I have some level of retardation. I wasnt all that great in school either. I did a few I.Q test and I have a average intelligence, rating from 110 to 125. But even with this I just always feel so stupid.
So because of this I isolated myself. At some point I just decided that It was better being alone since I always feel rediculous and ashame in public. For a very long time I just used my imagination to compensate for having no social life experience. I lived out in my head. Imaginating I was going out with the cute girl I like instead of even trying to talk to her and make it a reality. People seems to have very mixed opinon about me. Some say i'm the nicest guy and others that I'm just snob and cold. I just really keep to myself and even though I like everyone at work for example I cant even say hi to them when I start my shift. They try to talk to me but I end up answering with just a few words. And like I said earlier those few words I menage to say I always end up thinking they were not clever enough and that I probably sounded like an idiot.
I know I am very hard on myself. I want things to be too perfect and I can never deliver since no one can be perfect. I'm probably just a very average person but I always feel so inferior. Nothing ever seem to be good enough. For exemple, I was seen as a ugly guy when I was younger. Then later in highschool I started working out and taking better care of my apparence and dress better. I was actually seen as a good looking guy starting college and as shy as I was I got asked out by a few girls (that I refused going out with since I didnt think i was good enough). And even with this I still cant put through my head that I'm not ugly anymore. If not every single girl find me attractive then to me it simply means that i'm ugly.
Last night at work (I work night shift since there is less people) I really got overwhelmed. I work very hard and do a good job and for the next couple months my boss made me a superviser. But this is a temporary position and i'm not actually paid more for it. My boss told me he might leave in a few months so I will then get the position permanently. I kind of feel like their taking advantage of me. Making me work a lot more with false promise of a promotion. I know i'm a good employe and all but I think they gave me the position to try to get me to open up and get rid of my shyness a bit.
Now my boss his seing that its not making much of a difference on me. I am still as shy and quiet as ever. And last night he was trying to push me around. He made sure the employes would end very late which means I would have to do everything very quickly with the little time left for the day since I have to wait for them to finish to do my job. I made a lot of mistakes being so stressed out and he didnt lay a finger to help me out. I dont think I ever gotten so angry. I managed to tell him in a very squeaky voice tone lol that he was just trying to stress me out.
Anyway today I feel very depressed about this and everything. I feel like giving up since I obviously can't really do such a social job. Assisting others while having so much trouble even talking. Not mentioning how little support and positive feed back I get from my superiors.
I'm sorry for this bible of a first post. But it did feel a bit libarating writting it.
