*sigh*

FaymeLevy

Well-known member
Im sorry, but I really needed a place to talk this morning. I, literally, dont know how much more I can take. In 2 months, I turn 24, and a couple months after that, is the 11th anniversary of my doing absolutely nothing with my life due to SA.

By nothing, I mean...nothing. Not working, no education, no friends, no romantic relationships. Just wake up, go to my computer, play games all day, and go to bed. Its gotten to the point now that I cry several times a day at everything. I cant watch tv anymore because the commercials make me cry!

I don't know what to do with myself. I hate living like this, missing out on everything, but cant do anything about it. My mother (god love her) is more than willing to pay my rent, buy my food, and buy other material items (that i've become somewhat obsessed with doing; owning stuff), but is completely unwilling to pay for any therapy or even talk at length about any of it seriously. I try to start a discussion with her about it, then get embarassed because all she can say is "I cant help you, only you can help you." You would think after 11 years, she'd realize that I cant.

*sigh* Im going to go distract myself by playing more games...thanks for letting me get it out.
 

Starry

Well-known member
Oh, I'm so sorry you feel like that. *Hugs*

I wish there was something I could say to help, but I'm pretty useless when it comes to advice, since I'm in a similar situation. And have very little hope of it ending any time soon.

I've done absolutely nothing at all with my life since I left school. The only difference is, I'm not in the depressed state you seem to be in. I have depressed days and weeks, but it's not something I suffer with a lot.

You obviously really want to change your situation. Have you ever tried any self-help books? I'm afraid I can't reccomend any, but they may be a start to helping yourself get better. Try not to give up hope.

Oh, I really wish I knew what to say to help you feel better. All I can do, is let you know that you're not alone in being like this. *Hugs*
 

mienaino

Well-known member
Your situation sounds much like mine, except that I got out of the habit of playing games and started college a couple of years ago. Although my life didn't change much, I feel like I am doing something edifying simply by being in college. It's something on the par with eating broccoli and carrots for dinner once a week. Still, my social life is nonetheless nonexistant. I came here, I suppose, to vent about it.
Your mother probably honestly thinks that she can't help. She might feel that she will do more damage by trying. It is common for people to feel they are walking on eggshells when they perceive emotional problems. You sound quite depressed. That makes things more complicated. You might come off as being moody, and this makes social interaction more difficult and less productive. I'm not one to speak, I haven't been successful at most of the things that frustrate you, and they frustrate me as well, but I think that if you can't accept yourself as being enough, then you will be unable to form lasting, productive relationships. Romantic relationships notwithstanding. Being that the basis of your state of depression sounds to be something that your state of depression limits, or makes impossible, is a catch 22 that I haven't entirely found a way around. My strategy, which seems to help with not feeling quite as depressed, is to project my depression onto my surroundings, as an outlook. Instead of thinking that I am doomed to a life of sh*t, something I would easily prefer death over, I tend to project that negativity onto everything else, such as all humanity. As a result, I'm not a complete misanthrope, but I'm quite cynical, and I tend to have a bleak view of the future. It's like living in Orwell's 1984 instead of my own personal hell. It might not work for you, but that's what I do.
Anxiety can be medicated, behaviors can be modified, as long as you have the necessary tacit knowledge, you're not entirely doomed.
By the way, if the game you mentioned is WoW, you may be suffering from addiction, like, oh about half of the urban population of the world (and then some).
 

Moonie

Well-known member
What do you want to do? It's not going to be easy to make a change, but doing something small each day will help. Doing something different each day will help. Start tomorrow. Cut down your computer playing time to X number of hours. Do you want to go to school? Do you want to find a job? Do you want to study something (just for the sake of studying something new and fascinating to you?) You don't need formal education in order to gain knowledge. Think about the things you want to do (however small or big) and take a step toward it.
 

random

Well-known member
FayMeLevy,
I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Change is possible. As your 11th anniversary comes and goes - it doesn't predict your future.
I believe that your mother really doesn't know how to help. I also believe it is possible that her own fears are involved. If you were to change - she would have to change too (natural law of human relationships) and she might feel quite afraid to do that. It's hard to understand why she would buy you material things but refuse to pay for counseling - unless she has fears and issues of her own. Staying home with her is also probably a very important source of companionship for her (even if you are in your room on your computer) and most adults do have a very hard time letting their sons/daughters grow up and leave the house. She might be afraid to do that. SO - I would say that you are in the leadership position and are the one who will have to bring about change and you may meet with strong resistance from those who actually love you but are afraid to face their own issues (mother and perhaps others).
Can you ask her again, or perhaps often, for help seeing a doctor for anti depressant medication and/or therapy "Mother, I know that you can't help me and I need to help myself. You are right. I have decided to do that. I have decided that I need anti-depressant medication to support me while I make changes in my life to help myself. Will you help me with this medical need?" or "You are so good to me - you give me things I want just to please me. I think I will be able to stop wanting material things if I can address my problems directly. Will you allow me to see a doctor to get therapy/or meds so I can address the problem directly?" Perhaps you are not in situation where this is possible - but the fact that she is so good to you but backs off when you try to address your problem makes me think a) she doesn't know how to help and you can tell her (therapy/meds) and b) she is afraid of her own issues and thinks they are linked to yours so if you change - what will happen to her?
A book I liked is called "I could do anything if only I knew what it was" by Barbara Sherr (or similar spelling). WHile I think it would help - I also think that the path to getting help will cause some discomfort. This book and others may make your unhappiness worse for awhile and that's why I think meds would really help you in transition.
I was able to do some healing while remaining in a deeply disturbed family situation cut off from financial means through my faith in God. I'll include links here for sermons from my church that may help. YOu can listen to them on the web. THe ones that have been most direct to my needs are ones dealing with anxiety, hurting people, discouragement and hope. Note that the link displays the sermons recorded for 2007 but if you change it to 2006 I think you will find more that have to deal with "Hope for hurting people" etc. Here's the link:

http://tlc.org/sermons/index.php

I think posting here is a good positive step that you have taken. Please give yourself credit for reaching out. Please don't stop reaching out. You sound like you are in so much pain - and I really don't want you to suffer - but perhaps you could try to experience this harsh pain as 'birth pains' that are prompting you to act - driving you to act (by posting here) - moving you to do something to improve your life because you can't stand how it feels. In this terrible way - pain helps us. It won't always feel like this - as you begin to heal - the pain decreases. WIth healing - you can feel restored. C'mon - reach for it. I know when I am depressed it's the main thing I can NOT do is reach for change but somehow the pain makes me do it. C'mon reaaaaach! Keep posting here. :D
 

FaymeLevy

Well-known member
I want to thank you all so much for listening and taking the time to give me feedback. You have no idea how much it means to me. :)

I am feeling much better than I was this morning. I took a nice, long, hot bubble bath, counted to ten, and thought about the future. I've known for a long time what my ultimate goal was, but have long since believed it to be impossible. I have told my mother what it was, but only in passing, in a thoughtful state (we sometimes have talks about what we would do if we won the lottery lol). It may not seem great to someone else, but it would be amazing to me.

I would, someday, like to own a small independent movie theater and video store. Movies are my life, and I would love to share it with everyone. In my mind, the theater would be a small, maybe 2 or 3 screens, showing the movies I would like to show (and not just showing it because the biggest hot new actor is in it or whatever). With a few late night showings (ie past midnight) of horror films. The store would have both VHS and DVD, with all kinds of movies, even some hard to find.

I made a decision today. I don't know when, and honestly, I dont know how, but one day, im going to have that. I realized that 23 (almost 24) is still young enough. Who says I have to do it NOW?

The first small step that I am taking is: getting glasses (lol) and getting my license. Can't do much if I cant drive there. and my lazy ass aint walkin. lol :) I do know that mom will get me glasses. she has before..even though she's wary, because my last pair of glasses, i wore 2 times then left them on the shelf to get broken. but still, I'll hit her up for them around my birthday. I know she wants me to get my license, because she's a trucker, so she's gone 6 days out of the week, and she hates leaving her (small personal) truck at the big truck stop all week. She said if i get my license, she'd let me take the truck all week (its beautiful, i tell ya). Plus, i'd have a way to get to my teenage cousin and we could spend more time together. :)

Like I said...very small step (especially seeing what the goal is!), but its one that I cant really avoid, and...may just be achievable.

Thanks again, you have really helped. Im not saying the depression has gone away, but it doesnt look quite so hopeless right now. :)
 

spdiegoguy

Member
I'm on the road to cope with this disorder as well. We must rise above the circumstances, not fall victim to them. Easy to say, hard to do. For the past 2-3 years, all I do is sit on my arse all day. I can't even get myself to clean the house or do anything productive. The only time I go out is for school or the weekends with my friends. Of course, alcohol is involved for the weekends. When I do meet people or have an interest of the opposite sex, I always pretend that I'm too good for them. Kind of lame, but it's like stepping down from a challenge. If someone challenges you to basketball and you dont want to play, you'll be like "too easy." But anyways, I am on the same boat, but it seems everytime I come onto this site, it eases things for me. I actually feel better. Maybe consistency on the board can help afterall? Anyways, my tip, since I have been also working out for the past 2 years, in what I will be incorporating is progressive training. We all forgot about baby steps right? My two negative aspects in my life are social skills and productivity. For two weeks, I will try to talk to two random strangers and do two productive things daily. Of course, depending on progress, I will see how I'll increase the load. The good thing about this is that if you max out and screw up, you won't be dropping weights on yourself =). The thing I do know about failure in social situations is that it actually feels good IF you have supporting people with you. In my speech class, after the speeches, it felt great to hear the comments. During the speech, you feel like you screwed up in a million ways and you plan to hear about them after your speech. But instead, people point out all your positives that you were totally oblivious to. I apologize, when I do decide to talk, I blabber out of control. Hope everythings coherent.
 

babel

Member
My mother (god love her) is more than willing to pay my rent, buy my food, and buy other material items (that i've become somewhat obsessed with doing; owning stuff)

Wow...aren't you just lucky!!!!
I know I am going to be criticised for saying this but anyway .......you know what? a lot of people with SA would starve and end up on the streets if all they did was play video games all day all year. Despite the excrutiating emotions and humiliations we have to go through...all the discomfort...we still do it cos there is no alternative. Your Mum's unconditional love may be holding you back.

:wink:
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
FaymeLevy,

Its no wonder you are so unhappy, 11 years of nothing must be soul destroying! I was out of work for a year after I graduated, and that year was a really unhappy time, I sense of desperation and my confidence draining, the feeling of going nowhere in life, etc it was just a really hard time, I cannot even imagine how much worse it must be for you.

I was going to say you have a fantastic chance here to work on your SA with all that free time. Do you work on your SA at all? You could really work on your fears and lack of confidence and set yourself tasks, you really do need to start gaining confidence in order to make changes.

Since I started working on my SA and understanding everything 100% which is the most amazing and interesting challenge ever, I spend a lot of my free time at weekends and nights working on SA but don't get round to doing anywhere near enough. But I have made loads of progress, I still have a distance to go, but I am sure I will get there, and I am sure if I can improve as much as have done, then anyone can!
But your problem is harder because after 11 years you have avoided so much interaction and things will be so new and daunting I guess for you that you are starting in a very awkward place.

I think you realise yourself that its time to start making changes, maybe you should turn the games off and face the challenge of your life and try start overcoming this. That is not to mean you have to overnight become confident, but small steps, work on your fears - desensitise them, set yourself small tasks so that you start building confidence, work on changing your negative beliefs and aim to understand everything about your SA.

I am sorry if what I write is just rubbish and your situation is more complex than what I am writing about - I mean I don't know you to say with any conviction. But I think you know yourself its time to start making changes. People here will always help with any advice or whatever, today is the first day of the rest of your life, you have nothing to lose, you should definitely go for it and start working on improving your confidence and improving your situation.

Good luck!
 

Slash

Member
FaymeLevy said:
Im sorry, but I really needed a place to talk this morning. I, literally, dont know how much more I can take. In 2 months, I turn 24, and a couple months after that, is the 11th anniversary of my doing absolutely nothing with my life due to SA.

By nothing, I mean...nothing. Not working, no education, no friends, no romantic relationships. Just wake up, go to my computer, play games all day, and go to bed. Its gotten to the point now that I cry several times a day at everything. I cant watch tv anymore because the commercials make me cry!

I don't know what to do with myself. I hate living like this, missing out on everything, but cant do anything about it. My mother (god love her) is more than willing to pay my rent, buy my food, and buy other material items (that i've become somewhat obsessed with doing; owning stuff), but is completely unwilling to pay for any therapy or even talk at length about any of it seriously. I try to start a discussion with her about it, then get embarassed because all she can say is "I cant help you, only you can help you." You would think after 11 years, she'd realize that I cant.

*sigh* Im going to go distract myself by playing more games...thanks for letting me get it out.

Can relate 24 and in the virtually the same situation. I don't believe I have sa, i can become uncomfortable in certain situations i believe this to due with bullying.

4-6 years of doing virtually nothing check!. aside from going to best friends house, playing games check!. A limited education certainly below what i know i am capable of. My parents have had there troubles recently which i don't think helped. Have had little money to really go out and enjoy myself or for general things. umm anyway i'l make my own thread later :D.

it's peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time :roll:

I believe that recovery will not come quick and most importantly to take one step at a time, i've found that certainly when i try to do to much to soon that i fall back into old ways.

Thats a really good quote about "only you can help you" while this may be difficult to hear I firmly believe it. Try not to put all eggs in one basket, are there any alternative goals you would like to do as well as working towards your main one?

One thing which i've found helpfull and intresting to do is a little roleplay. Try it for one day, blank your mind, and roleplay someone else for one day. go out have a walk around or something. as you are not you for this day. afterwards when the day is over write down the things you did.

good luck.
 
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