Shy girl

[schist]

So there's this girl i've known for the past few months, and we've been talking/joking around heaps etc. on Facebook, but most of the time when I see her in person she seemingly avoids me - our conversations (which I always need to initiate) aren't very long, with her usually needing to go somewhere else/talk to other people (whom she has seemingly no issue hanging around), and her hugs are usually quite awkward (often with back pats) yet I've seen her hug other people in a comparatively non-awkward way.

She says she's really shy (and identifies as an INFP type, for all you familiar with the Myers-Briggs scale), but the aforementioned behaviour discrepancies lead me to believe there is more to the story.

So what should I do? Keep talking/joking around with her, or just cut my losses and withdraw?

 

[JackTripper]

i say a bit of both.

go ahead and chat and joke with her, but don't plan on anything blossoming from it.

 

[schist]

I should also have mentioned she describes herself as "asexual", and prefers her own company to the company of others, so no I don't plan on anything blossoming from it

 

[JackTripper]

then there's no big gamble. chat with her. if she decides she doesn't wanna chat anymore, then don't. basically, i'm just saying (based on your description) that you shouldn't worry about investing more into the relationship than just the occasional small talk.

in school, there were a number of people i talked with that an entire year's worth of "relationship" amounted to about 20 minutes of small talk.

 

[schist]

then there's no big gamble. chat with her. if she decides she doesn't wanna chat anymore, then don't. basically, i'm just saying (based on your description) that you shouldn't worry about investing more into the relationship than just the occasional small talk.

in school, there were a number of people i talked with that an entire year's worth of "relationship" amounted to about 20 minutes of small talk.

What about friendship? Like, actual proper friendship? More than just the odd "hi, howya doin?" and such. I already know enough people like that to last me a lifetime ...

I guess what I'm really getting at here is, why does it seem like she opens up to others a lot more than me?

 

[JackTripper]

I guess what I'm really getting at here is, why does it seem like she opens up to others a lot more than me?

that i couldn't tell you. the only person that knows the answer to that is her. the only thing you can really do is not worry about it, or go straight up to her and ask. you may or may not like the answer, but you'd have an answer.

 

[Falkor]

I should also have mentioned she describes herself as "asexual", and prefers her own company to the company of others, so no I don't plan on anything blossoming from it

Hopefully she's not a-romantic besides being asexual. Hopefully she can develop an emotional crush. I would say, try to give her subtle signs of love. Tell her she looks good, when you see her. Or give her sweet compliments. Girls like that. Good luck

 

[schist]

So yeah, it turns out she isn't asexual, and she has a boyfriend now. Had she not mentioned her supposed "asexuality", I would've asked her out ages ago. And now she won't speak to me anymore.

I don't understand. :/

 

[skins]

ahhhh that sucks...nothing worse then thinking you are getting mixed signals, pushing the envelope to try and get a definitive answer only to find out its a definite NO. sorry to hear dude, given time you will forget all about her and move on. At least you tested the waters, don't regret that.

 

[schist]

ahhhh that sucks...nothing worse then thinking you are getting mixed signals, pushing the envelope to try and get a definitive answer only to find out its a definite NO. sorry to hear dude, given time you will forget all about her and move on. At least you tested the waters, don't regret that.

I never tested anything, she never told me specifically she was asexual, she mentioned it on Facebook in comments/posts directed at others on a few occasions - it was the fact that she'd mentioned it at all that prevented me from asking her out, because I thought she'd freak if I did.

So basically, whether she intended it or not, I can't help but feel lied to, and hence cannot trust her anymore.

 

[skins]

I never tested anything, she never told me specifically she was asexual, she mentioned it on Facebook in comments/posts directed at others on a few occasions - it was the fact that she'd mentioned it at all that prevented me from asking her out, because I thought she'd freak if I did.

So basically, whether she intended it or not, I can't help but feel lied to, and hence cannot trust her anymore.

like I said you will forget and move on, if all goes to plan.

 

[schist]

like I said you will forget and move on, if all goes to plan.

I hope so.

 

[schist]

So I told her how I felt the other day, and that I would've asked her out had she not mentioned she was asexual, and that I was deleting her from FB/Instagram to help me get over her. She didn't take it too well, she told me I had no idea what she had been through, particularly in regard to the asexual comments, and that she felt miserable for hurting my feelings. I tried to discuss it further with her, she claimed she was "mind ****ed" by the whole situation, and now she won't speak to me, even after I messaged her apologizing about intruding on her past and that I was trying to let go of my feelings for her.

This sucks. :kickingmyself:

 

[Odo]

It sounds like either she's got serious issues that she hasn't dealt with, or she's just tolerating you but is getting to the point where she's starting to dislike you.

Neither of these things is good.

She might be able to get over her issues in time but now is not that time. You can't make her change, and she isn't going to change for you.

But yeah, deleting someone from your contacts out of anger/frustration is kind of like saying 'I can't stand you'... it's kind of a passive aggressive move or like a call for attention and a lot of unnecessary drama.

 

[schist]

It sounds like either she's got serious issues that she hasn't dealt with, or she's just tolerating you but is getting to the point where she's starting to dislike you.

Neither of these things is good.

She might be able to get over her issues in time but now is not that time. You can't make her change, and she isn't going to change for you.

But yeah, deleting someone from your contacts out of anger/frustration is kind of like saying 'I can't stand you'... it's kind of a passive aggressive move or like a call for attention and a lot of unnecessary drama.

It wasn't like I deleted her out of malice, I did it to help me get over her, so I wasn't tempted to stalk/obsess over her profile.

And a mutual friend (whose word I trust 100%, he's as sincere as they come) told me she thinks the world of me, so I doubt she was "tolerating" me all this time ...

 

[Odo]

It wasn't like I deleted her out of malice, I did it to help me get over her, so I wasn't tempted to stalk/obsess over her profile.

And a mutual friend (whose word I trust 100%, he's as sincere as they come) told me she thinks the world of me, so I doubt she was "tolerating" me all this time ...

If you actually open up and tell someone that you're deleting them and don't want to think about them anymore then to me it sounds like you're looking for a reaction, trying to force a confrontation, or even worse punishing them for not acting the way you want them to. Did you actually tell her she had lied to you as well? That's definitely not going to go over well!

If it was just for you, you wouldn't have needed to actually confront her and tell her that you're doing it. Giving up doesn't involve telling the other person that they make you feel shitty and you're not going to put up with it anymore, it just means dropping them and not talking to them anymore.

To me it sounds like you're just upset that she isn't dating you, and you're lashing out.

And to be even more blunt, it sounds like you're only thinking of your own feelings here, and not even trying to see her perspective, considering her feelings, or taking her at her word. Chances are one of the reasons she's dating the other guy and not you is because he isn't so insecure.

You could have had a nice, civilized conversation with her about how you feel, and then actually listened and proved to her that you really care, but instead you got mad that she wasn't dating you or didn't seem to like you as much as she likes others, then came onto an anonymous forum and asked socially clueless strangers who will probably just tell you what you want to hear. I guess this might sound mean but I think it's the truth.

 

[schist]

Chances are one of the reasons she's dating the other guy and not you is because he isn't so insecure.

Au contraire. He's known to hold grudges against guys who date ex-girlfriends of his, and has a tendency to turn people against each other. So if that's not insecure, then I don't know what is.

You're right though, I am upset at the fact that I could've dated her had she not thrown me off by saying she was asexual. That's why I did what I did. I'm not gonna bottle it up and hope for when they break up, that isn't healthy.

Say whatever you want though - I told her how I felt and what I'd done to help me purge this from my system, so I could move on and pursue other girls with a clear head.

 

[Odo]

Au contraire. He's known to hold grudges against guys who date ex-girlfriends of his, and has a tendency to turn people against each other. So if that's not insecure, then I don't know what is.

Yeesh... that's bad.

You're right though, I am upset at the fact that I could've dated her had she not thrown me off by saying she was asexual. That's why I did what I did. I'm not gonna bottle it up and hope for when they break up, that isn't healthy.

Say whatever you want though - I told her how I felt and what I'd done to help me purge this from my system, so I could move on and pursue other girls with a clear head.

Well, if you're still interested I would say it's not too late. I mean, you've got her attention and if you apologize and try to listen she'll probably appreciate it. I know what they say about the friend zone and all of that, but I would argue that after a lifetime of being misunderstood she will be relieved that someone is actually willing to listen... and in the long run, I think it could pay off.

 

[schist]

Well, if you're still interested I would say it's not too late. I mean, you've got her attention and if you apologize and try to listen she'll probably appreciate it. I know what they say about the friend zone and all of that, but I would argue that after a lifetime of being misunderstood she will be relieved that someone is actually willing to listen... and in the long run, I think it could pay off.

I did apologize the other night, she saw the message but didn't respond. Probably needs space to try and process the whole situation ...

 

[schist]

UPDATE: She sent me a message a couple of weeks ago saying that she was a peaceful and placid person and wasn't going to harbour any ill will, and that that would be entirely up to me. I replied a few hours ago saying that I was tired of holding petty grudges over this issue and that if she was cool, then so was I, and proposed that we start over on a clean slate. She accepted, and now I guess that settles that ...