should I put up with this from my boyfriend?

[ocdgirl27]

I have mild to moderate OCD which Ive been suffering with for years. When my boyriend met me he knew of my problems from the beginning, having to wait for me when we went out, watching me arrange things in the house or shops when I was leaving.
weve been together 8 years and until recently I feel he has been very supportive and understanding.
For about 6 years he was nice about it. I would ask him to help me much more in the beginning, and he would help me and it wouldnt bother him. He just didnt seem to even notice it.
I have since had therapy and taken antidepressents and I feel I am much better than I was and I ask much less of him.
But his attitude towards me has changed and even though I feel I am asking so much less than before, his reaction to it has become much less patient and much less understanding.
I feel his reaction to my anxiety and ocd is blown out of proportion.
Sometimes when I get in the car to go out with him I get anxious and I need to sit in the car and concentrait on my breathing to calm down, so that I wont have a panic attack.
but he gets so angry that he has to wait even 10 minutes that he starts calling me names, saying that Im a mental case, or threatening to leave me. This of course doesnt help me calm down. I know that he loves me and that he doesnt really want to leave me, but its upsetting that he says these things over something that I cant help, and especially at the moment when I need his understanding.
if I get nervous when Im leaving and ask him to do even one thing for me, like fetch my handbag or check something (once Ive left its easier for me not to go back in, because I will then start to move and arrange things and would take much longer to leave) then he gets so angry with me, he will spend an hour listing all my faults, personally attacking me, threatening to leave me, saying he wishes I was dead.
Then later he's fine and says he loves me and doesnt want me to leave. He makes me feel like he has the right to put me down because of my OCD and anxiety. His attacks and threats to leave only make me feel worse. I work hard every day with my OCD and anxiety. But my boyfriend has no sympathy and acts like Im not doing enough about it.
If it was any other situation I would not tolerate being treated like this, but he makes me feel like I deserve it because I have OCD. He spends a lot of time researching OCD and writing to people about it and pressuring me to be on medication I didnt feel I needed (although I am on antidepressents now) Personally the OCD didnt bring me down or bother me too much, it was annoying but it didnt make me late for anything and people wouldnt notice I had it. Its his reaction to it that makes me feel bad and brings me down. Hes always telling me that people are staring at me, or pointing at me and telling people Im weird. He keeps saying I need a carer. Because he has to do so much for me. But I honestly think this is exagerated because the only time I need help is when I leave the house, and I could do it myself anyway, it just takes longer, and I only ask him to help if we have to leave quickly because we have an appointment or something. And I feel like he is only researching ways to 'fix' my OCD so that it wont bother him anymore, not because he cares about how I feel.
I often think I should do what he suggests and break up with him, because I do work hard on my OCD everyday and if Im not even allowed to sit in the car and breath for a few minutes I dont know how much more I can improve. I just wish he was the way he was in he beginning, we never had any arguments about it at all.

 

[lurknomore]

I would say you don't have to put up with it... but I wouldn't suggest breaking up with him or leaving him. Perhaps you two could go to therapy together (whether it's specifically about the OCD or just a relationship counselor).

It sounds like he's perhaps kept things bottled up for a while, and it's finally coming out in a big way, and that's why it's all exaggerated... it's the manifestation of all of his pent up frustration from all of the years you've been together. It also may not be the OCD that's really bothering him, but attacking that is the way he's expressing his dissatisfaction.

You say that in the early years he seemed fine with it, very supportive, etc., and that you never argued, but I think it's healthy for there to be occasional arguments/disagreements in a relationship. It's better to get these things out in the open as early as possible in order to deal with them.

Also, you may be the one with a "disorder," but a lot of times the people that are close to a person need help dealing with it as well... it can be very frustrating for a loved one to watch you suffer/struggle and have no idea how to help you. Your boyfriend may just not have a good enough understanding of OCD, or of how the medications you're taking are helping you with it.

You both have a lot invested in this relationship, if he really loves you (which it sounds like perhaps he does), he should be open to doing what it takes to make the relationship a healthy one.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but you don't have to continue to take the insults and abuse.

 

[Noca]

Welcome to SPW!

If youve been together for 8 years and youve invested so much in him, consider him an investment like any other and try to fix it. Go to therapy and counseling to solve whatever problem it is.

It takes both sides to want to do this to make this work. If he doesnt want to work on your problems then drop him like a sack of potatoes and let him know that and that abuse is unacceptable in any form.

 

[dixiegirl]

Sounds to me like he is emotionally abusing you. No one should use a neurosis as an excuse to put someone else down. Everyone has their problems and it sounds to me like you're trying to handle your OCD as much as you can. And for me, being in a relationship only makes my OCD worse, so I understand how hard it can be.

Perhaps he's lashing out at you because he's feeling insecure or guilty about something. If he has the nerve to say that "he wishes you were dead," then I would consider leaving him (even if just for a little while). I know that is waaaaay easier said than done, but just taking a break from him may make him realize he's acting incorrectly. What he is doing is putting you down for your OCD then lifting you up by saying he loves you--that's emotional abuse--this is a way for him to gain control over you. Or maybe he's acting this way because he's overwhelmed. Either way, I wouldn't let him put you down for your OCD.

I would at the very least talk to him and tell him how you feel. He may not even realize what he's doing or how he's hurting you.

Good luck!

 

[JCS008]

All you can really do is talk to him about the situation. Chances are it seems he may be understanding, since he has in the past. But if he can't chang ehis ways and truly accept what you're going through, then it might be time to move on for both of your own futures.

 

[DaaaBulls]

I don't think it's all his fault. If your asking him to do things because of your OCD or the OCD is getting in the way of a healthy relationship then maybe it falls on both your shoulders.