Self-Destruction...

[Fairylicious]

Hey,

I'm pretty new, but if you have seen any of my posts, you'll know that i'm longwinded (but only on paper).

Here's the thing, i have this really bad habit of self-sabatoge. I fuck up all sorts of situations without even realizing it, but what i'm really talking about is switching one not so great coping mechanism for another equally bad or worse one.

For example:
I wanted to stop cutting, so i now pick the shit out of my cuticles and blisters on my feet to the point where they are bleeding or raw for days.

While bad enough, what had gotten me to really seek help is this phenomenon that has been happening. See, for a LOT of reasons, i don't like sex. And for another set of reasons, i really hate leaving my house. But somehow, to deal with the fact that i'm super lonley depressed and don't give a fuck weather i live or die, i have taken to finding random guys on the internet, letting them pick me up, take me to their house, fuck the shit out of me, and then take me home.

If this wasn't a dangerous enough game, i hardly ever use a condom. I know it has something to do with the current spike in self-loathing, but it's so opposite from my usualy symptomology that it's got my perplexed. I mean, if nothing else, i HATE talking to strangers. If it goes beyond a "hi, how are you, fine." I don't want anything to do with it. And if i never had to leave my house again, i would be totally ok with that. And don't even get me started on my sex issues.

so i guess my question is:
How do you deal with a constant impulse towards self-destruction?

 

[Ashiene]

my father and i share this problem of always messing things up unintentionally.

for example, on too many occasions to count, when i finally get the courage to speak up in class to the teacher, something totally random would come up like, the teacher would have a phone call just as i raise my hand to ask a question, or a visitor would enter the classroom while i am speaking, then the teacher would completely ignore me and talk to the visitor instead.

about substituting one self-destructive mechanism for another, i can relate to that. i used to crack my knuckles (i still do it sometimes) when im nervous, but since my mama keeps telling me not to do it, so now i peel the skin from my lips when im nervous lol.