Seeking violence, chaos and conflict

[stand_up]

I’ve decided to share my OCD with everyone as I feel everyone here is mature and understanding about this mental illness.

I have an obsession for being involved in verbal and physical conflict. I fantasize about making people beg, cry or be humiliated.

My action compulsions include intentionally going to trouble hot-spots, cutting through troublesome crowds, seek confrontation instead of avoidance of conflict, and set myself up for trouble-makers to run into me.

My materialistic compulsions include collecting knives, and making hidden weapons in my clothing, e.g. shoe-tip blades, spiked knuckles and pen weapons.

Although I constantly seek conflict, my character never allows me to “start” trouble. This is the reason, that I must first seek trouble to “run into me” so that I can retaliate or explode. What is worse, is that I have an imaginary friend that encourages me to seek trouble-makers but protect the vulnerable, ….sort of an extreme-justice kind of obsession.

My mother and girlfriend have confiscated most of my knives and weapons but I still possess a few weapons left hidden away. They monitor me and prevent me from roaming around any potentially troublesome places.

I have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist however I have decided to stop seeing them and stop taking the medication. Nothing seems to be helping me get rid of my dangerous OCD.

My condition is getting worse as now I realize that sometimes I am actually WELCOMING my violent OCD and want to keep it.

Well that’s my story so far. Thanks for reading. If anyone has any similar experiences or ideas that might help me I would really appreciate input. I hope I can end this OCD, for my family’s and girlfriend’s sake.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Have you ever thought about becoming a police officer? It sounds to me like you'd make a pretty good one. You said you love protecting the innocent and punishing thugs, so why not channel some of that righteous indignation into a career?

 

[stand_up]

I dont really know what to make of this as i have these violent obsessions and cannot stand the thought of them. But it sounds to me like you are practicing exposure therapy!?!!?!?!

I have heard of that therapy, and my specialists are still considering whether or not it is appropriate for me considering the risks as I actually want opportunities to do damage depending on my state of mind. Possibly at the wrong place, wrong time, wrong state of mind, this therapy will just make me even more happier.

 

[stand_up]

Thank you very much. Hearing the replies, I don't feel alone because of this.

 

[stand_up]

Have you ever thought about becoming a police officer? It sounds to me like you'd make a pretty good one. You said you love protecting the innocent and punishing thugs, so why not channel some of that righteous indignation into a career?

Could be a possibility, if I can get rid of this thirst for conflict first.

 

[gio289]

Hey, i remember when I first came on this site and i talked to barry, i finally figured that i had a minor hint of OCD. I never did say anythign about this because I figured that it had nothing to do with it, that I was jus crazy or sumthing. I used to walk around with a really sharp pair of scissors in my back pocket for fear of a confrontation and I used to purposely walk into crowds when going to school. I swould sometimes go into really bad neighborhoods so that somebody could say something out of the way to me. I still sometimes walk into crowds of people drinking at a corner store. It hasnt come to me to do that in a long while tho, maybe only when im extremely angry. I do lots of things when Im angry. lol. But yea I have definetely had those thoughts and actions. i think it might have been the way i grew up, as my father always made me scared of him and not respectful of him. I guess its kind of a subconscious way to show ur not a punk and its maybe a way for ppl to "respect" you. But again it would just be a cycle. Again I still have it now and again, but not nearly as frequent as when I was in high school.

 

[dooby-duck]

For me violent thoughts and conflict became worse when I had the thought that I have nothing to lose if I got into a violent confrontation with someone. I never go out especially looking for trouble. They mainly happen when I'm driving or cycling and someone makes a comment or gets in my way or does something stupid. It feels like if they escalate things I could really lose control and do something I would regret. I seem to make up conflict in my head that doesn't even exist so I can be prepared for anything that does happen. Like you I would never start any trouble.

 

[stand_up]

Besides seeking violence, do you happen to share any of the following traits?

-Exhibitionist behavior. (not nudist, just wanting to be seen/noticed)
-Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.
-Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions.
-Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
-Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.
-Excessive concern with physical appearance.
-A need to be the center of attention.
-Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
-Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others.
-Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
-Making rash decisions.

I ask you this because I knew a person who shared your violence OCD plus some of these traits. Do not take it personal by any means and if you share none of them, well then even better!

I feel I have none of these traits above, in fact the traits I have are the exact opposite. I do not like attention, that's why I feel so much more comfortable at night times. I never want people to notice what I am doing. I am paranoid of making mistakes, therefore I always have a plan to avoid consequences of rash decisions....

The funny thing is,.. the only thing that is stopping me roaming around again these days is my depression, I just don't even have the energy to get in my car. Whenever chaos comes,... it will come I won't look for it for now.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD and depression, while my psychologist although saw the OCD aspect, think it's something a lot more complicated. But both told me it has something to do with chemical balances in my brain. I don't know what's going on. But in parallel I'm trying hard to help myself.

I'm trying to get back on track and get involved with more positive experiences such as spending time with family, friends and earning more money at work.

 

[stand_up]

I have had some progress in understanding more of my own OCD through some talking and self-searching.

My obsession with thinking about "what objects I can use as weapons" where ever I go 24/7 exists because I cannot carry prohibited weapons stated by my country/state's law. Therefore I constantly think I have a disadvantage if I am confronted by an attacker with a knife or a gun. I am anxious about being disadvantaged.

Compulsively, I always carry a steel pen in my pocket because of the same reason as above and that it is not an illegal weapon. I constantly plan and strategize how I can kill or gravely injure a person with crude everyday-objects. (I think about this most times of the day).

Although I collect and make illegal weapons at home, I do not carry them as I follow the written law, even if I do not agree with them. My personality is always law-abiding.

I am angry because I feel, while I am a good person that always follow rules, so many other people don't show the same righteousness and get away with it. We live in a society that does NOT allow us to discipline our kids and so they grow up knowing no respect for other people. We have a law that restrict us innocent people from fully protecting ourselves from these scum. Why?
1. We cannot carry weapons to protect ourselves while scums carry them regardless of the law.
2. We must be very careful when we use self-defense, I am constantly paranoid about the law around "excessive force". How many times have you heard how innocent people are prosecuted by the law for fighting off a home intruder/burgular? Or fighting off an attacker/rapist/mugger? Might as well offer our criminals/attackers a kiss and a hug while we let them rob, rape and attack us. Our F#$KING law punishes people who only wish to protect themselves while the street criminals get a small smack-on-the-bottom and then are let free again.

These feelings of anger and frustration made me seek conflict and chaos which I thought initially was my compulsion but it is not.

Although I am ANGRY to the max, I will still follow our stupid laws because I am a man that honours following rules. ......I won't use dirty weapons to fight. But I WILL use clean weapons to fight dirty......As for excessive force, F#$K that, any attacker of mine will end up blind or dead by default. I rather be the one prosecuted than dead.

I was calm when I started writing this post, now it has triggered my compulsive mind. I don't care about treating my OCD anymore, I am going to continue with my obsession and compulsion about using/making crude weapons for self-defense and killing. Time to go outside and practice my martial-arts with my steel pen and steel-cap runners again. More practice makes perfect. Eyes, groin, throat stab stab stab die die die all the way!!!!!!!

 

[Mikefly]

Me , myself would go looking for trouble too in my teens and early 20's i don't know how extreme yours is really related to OCD or just being mischievious. It prob has to do with the combination , but anyway i used to be like that go looking for fights i would carry brass knuckles , baseball bats, never guns , but knives and things like u describe. I never thought of it as a disorder tho , i just thought i like to fight i was just young , unexperienced , and thought i was Mr. Tough guy , i don't know if this helped but that's just myside. I had to go to anger management in college for starting a fight or two while i was drunk at parties but i think this was just all part of growing up , im 30 now and don't go looking for fight because they're are bigger, badder, and tougher people than u always out there, u don't wanna run into them.

 

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

I make men cry and when I am in a bipolar rage I seek the same as you do.