scared of going loopy

[aj]

i answered the phone at work today. it says who it is and i know them so i answered it for someone who wasn't there. scary just before i picked it up, but then no problem. it was nothing like a social call and it was no use at all.

i have no real friends
i don't know if i even want friends and if i had any i don't know if i could give them enough time
i have no life outside of work
no hobbies interest me and would it still be a waste of time if there was something?
i've never been close to anyone as a friend and definitely not in an intimate way
i have no chance of finding someone because i have no life outside of work
i'm stuck in this weird state of being 21 but with no life experience at all
i'm an adult but not mentally
i'm never going to know how normal people think
i go to the pub like a normal person and i still leave alone
i thought all this would get easier when i left school

i don't know what i want my life to be in any way and even if i did i wouldn't know where to start

i have people who i can talk to but they can't do anything. they try to help but all they can do is invite me to the pub again which takes so much energy and is just a temporary fix.

there's one guy who i know at work who i could really talk to and i see as 'normal' but what do i ask him? how do you pick up girls? why has nobody ever been interested me unless i'm the last person in the room? how do you get to be close to someone?

everyone likes me at work but it's only because i'm happy, quiet and shy, none of them know anything about me. i even don't know myself.

i have next week off and my own car... i could fold down the seats and sleep in it... my parents are going on holiday... i could go anywhere and do anything but where and what? and what would be the point?

and you know what? after a year and a half where i work i am starting to get louder and confident, by my standards a least. all it's done is show me that that is far less than enough and i have so much further to go than i thought.

this is all so weird. i'm not thinking of ending it all or anything like that, or seriously anyway, for the moment. i always act so happy with people. nobody would ever think that i'm writing all this. it's like i'm living in a dream and i have no real feelings.

yes i'm at a low point because it's friday and i know it'll pass but i can't see why it does. i'm not going anywhere and at this rate i'll still be posting the same thing in another 21 years time.

 

[aj]

The girl at work? She was supposed to be going to Canada, but has ended up staying here for a while longer. Yes I still see her when she comes down and joins us. She offers me coffee when she makes it for everyone and things like that, so she does talk to me but there's nothing behind it. The same as any other girls (or guys!) talk to me. It makes me feel... asexual. Which I don't want to be.

Yep they're all older but one or two only by a few years. That's exactly it, they like me because I'm little quiet me but that's as far as it goes.

I didn't go to uni and I don't think I'd want to... there's nothing I could to commit myself to properly.

 

[aj]

Feeling like a child still

I bought some drink today (trying something else that I might be able to have if I ever go the the pub again) and apparently I look about 16. If I was 18 that would be slightly annoying, but I'm 21 FFS! God and that's before I start to speak. No wonder nobody looks at me. Fine, it's nice to look young but this is silly. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

 

[GKJB]

I hate not being served fags/alcohol. It makes me feel like a complete twat and like everyone in the queue is watching & laughing at me like I'm a little kid. I always have my ID on me but today I didn't and the stupid cow who I see every single day when I buy a pack of fags said she couldn;t serve me. I don't know how I managed to keep calm, I guess an outburst would draw way too much attention :x

 

[aj]

And with girls... or even boys :lol: how do you I get anyone to take an interest in me? I was starting to build up a tiny bit of confidence but it's a pure fact that I look so young and it's set me right back.

I mean it's really, really bad. It's probably half the reason why nobody's even friends with me... I'm weird.