I'm scared. I feel like overcoming this is impossible. I used to think that I was just in a rut but now I think it's something more than that. I've been chosing not to be social for longer than I first thought. I thought this bull **** started at the end of highschool but now I see it goes as far back as grade school. When the other 8th graders started talking to eachother at recess, I just played basketball. When I got a girlfriend in grade 10 I never called her and never made out with her or even cuddled with her! Then I broke up with her for no reason! I would always stay home on weekends and was never invited or attended parties. In grade 11 and 12 I went to a few small parties. In grade 12 a girl wanted to go out with me but I was too scared to take things to the next level. Prom was horrible and my date had a terrible time. I've always been an outsider. I don't know why I'm never liked and am always an outsider.
Then when I went to university, socially I failed miserably and went home after a semester. I just couldn't deal with dorm life. Then for the past 3 and half years I've isolated myself. One of the biggest mistakes of my life! I just sat at home for 3 years playing call of duty: zombies and drinking alcohol. My brain is mush. I can't coherently form sentences when I talk to people. I have no idea how to be social. I can't hold a ****ing conversation. I feel lower than low. Oh, did I mention how people used to say how stupid I was in high school? Yup, even when I could some what speak to others, people thought I was stupid. Imagine what they'd think of me now; they'd probably think I was retarded.
Now I'm moving really far away thinking that this will fix my problem but all I can picture is myself being completely miserable and alone. I'm trying to stay positive but I just don't see me getting to where I want to be. I want to be able to attend parties and socialize with people. I want to be one of the guys at a party or bbq who are standing around with beers in their hands while their girlfriends are over sitting and chatting.
I just wish I would have known back when I was in grade 8 that I needed to be more social. I wish my parents would have pushed me more and not have enabled me to be this way. I had to work for them at their shop which was 8 hours of isolation; just me and my thoughts. It definitely helped in ****ing me up.
If anyone has any similar stories or can relate I would appreciate it. I'm feeling really down and lonely right now.
Then when I went to university, socially I failed miserably and went home after a semester. I just couldn't deal with dorm life. Then for the past 3 and half years I've isolated myself. One of the biggest mistakes of my life! I just sat at home for 3 years playing call of duty: zombies and drinking alcohol. My brain is mush. I can't coherently form sentences when I talk to people. I have no idea how to be social. I can't hold a ****ing conversation. I feel lower than low. Oh, did I mention how people used to say how stupid I was in high school? Yup, even when I could some what speak to others, people thought I was stupid. Imagine what they'd think of me now; they'd probably think I was retarded.
Now I'm moving really far away thinking that this will fix my problem but all I can picture is myself being completely miserable and alone. I'm trying to stay positive but I just don't see me getting to where I want to be. I want to be able to attend parties and socialize with people. I want to be one of the guys at a party or bbq who are standing around with beers in their hands while their girlfriends are over sitting and chatting.
I just wish I would have known back when I was in grade 8 that I needed to be more social. I wish my parents would have pushed me more and not have enabled me to be this way. I had to work for them at their shop which was 8 hours of isolation; just me and my thoughts. It definitely helped in ****ing me up.
If anyone has any similar stories or can relate I would appreciate it. I'm feeling really down and lonely right now.
