namelessmiracle
Active member
Alright....so I normally don't like to talk about my deepest darkest secrets with complete strangers, but I'm getting to the point where I need SOMEONE who understands. My family/boyfriend try their best but they don't truly understand and it gets frustrating at times.*
So...I'm just going to start and hopefully it's not too much information? *I'm 23 and I've been diagnose with SA since I was 16. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I've gone to many different therapists off and on over the last 7 years but I always stop going after a few visits because I feel worthless and stupid for going. Sometimes I will sit and pick apart the things I hate about the therapist just so I can talk myself out of going. Recently I found a therapist who started CBT and has done wonders for my disorder. I'm starting to accept it and actually work on things rather than know about it and just do nothing. It's going to be a long process but I'm ready to stop feeling like crap. I've been on anxiety meds for the past 3.5 years. Celexa daily and Xanax as needed. I've found that it helps but Feel I've been on it WAY too long without improvement which is why I'm kicking my butt into gear with therapy.*
I've had a crazy life. My dad was a heroin addict and died from AIDS when I was 4. He unknowingly gave my mom HIV and she's been living with it now for 23 years. She was on her death bed when I was 8 but somehow recovered. My grandma committed suicide, my uncle randomly died of cancer we didn't know he had after 2 weeks in the hospital, grandpas on his third type of cancer... All plays into where I get the PTSD from.*
I pushed myself through school because of the pressure of not letting my family down. I graduated with my bachelors degree in social work at 21. I like social work because I love helping people who are in need. It's different for me than customer service.....I feel my SA is controlled because of how I feel after I help a needy family. I worked at DHS as an intern then a caseworker aid in child welfare for 2 years. Economy sucks so I was laid off. I liked these jobs because I had no authority, noone looking to me for the answer. I like being the assistant or the secretary. The less authority i have, the happier I am. I'm content working by myself quietly!*
Now I'm dealing with my SA daily because I work in a residential treatment center for boys 14-18 who are criminal or sexual offenders and have bad behavior problems. I constantly get verbally abused, yelled at, called names, challenged, and just broken down by these kids. I hate being an authority figure. I've been there 3 months and want to quit every single day. I don't quit because we need the money. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years, and he doesn't understand my SA. He always unintentionally makes fun of it and thinks I'm just emotional and can't control it. He tries, but just doesn't understand. *I don't quit because I don't want him to think I'm lazy or didn't try. He always says just to suck it up and keep going. I try, but daily I have panic attacks at work. I come home and cry myself to sleep many nights because it is so hard to keep myself composed at work. In the hours before i leave for work, I'm constantly looking for excuses and running through scenarios in my head about quitting...I try to think of some story to make up for my boyfriend/family about me getting fired or let go...I try to think of anything I can in order to have an excuse to not go back to that place but not have my boyfriend/family know/be mad at me for quitting. Like right now, I'm anxious about work and trying to find an excuse to not go back there. I hate the kids belittling me and extorting my flaws. Its a person with SA's worst nightmare!!
MY QUESTIONS: Does anyone else work in a similar setting? If so, how do you handle your SA at work? Any tips/tricks? Is staying at this job doing me more harm than good?
Anyway, that's me. If you have any questions/comments/advice feel free. I'm looking forward to getting feedback from others with this disorder. It's time for me not to feel alone.
So...I'm just going to start and hopefully it's not too much information? *I'm 23 and I've been diagnose with SA since I was 16. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I've gone to many different therapists off and on over the last 7 years but I always stop going after a few visits because I feel worthless and stupid for going. Sometimes I will sit and pick apart the things I hate about the therapist just so I can talk myself out of going. Recently I found a therapist who started CBT and has done wonders for my disorder. I'm starting to accept it and actually work on things rather than know about it and just do nothing. It's going to be a long process but I'm ready to stop feeling like crap. I've been on anxiety meds for the past 3.5 years. Celexa daily and Xanax as needed. I've found that it helps but Feel I've been on it WAY too long without improvement which is why I'm kicking my butt into gear with therapy.*
I've had a crazy life. My dad was a heroin addict and died from AIDS when I was 4. He unknowingly gave my mom HIV and she's been living with it now for 23 years. She was on her death bed when I was 8 but somehow recovered. My grandma committed suicide, my uncle randomly died of cancer we didn't know he had after 2 weeks in the hospital, grandpas on his third type of cancer... All plays into where I get the PTSD from.*
I pushed myself through school because of the pressure of not letting my family down. I graduated with my bachelors degree in social work at 21. I like social work because I love helping people who are in need. It's different for me than customer service.....I feel my SA is controlled because of how I feel after I help a needy family. I worked at DHS as an intern then a caseworker aid in child welfare for 2 years. Economy sucks so I was laid off. I liked these jobs because I had no authority, noone looking to me for the answer. I like being the assistant or the secretary. The less authority i have, the happier I am. I'm content working by myself quietly!*
Now I'm dealing with my SA daily because I work in a residential treatment center for boys 14-18 who are criminal or sexual offenders and have bad behavior problems. I constantly get verbally abused, yelled at, called names, challenged, and just broken down by these kids. I hate being an authority figure. I've been there 3 months and want to quit every single day. I don't quit because we need the money. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years, and he doesn't understand my SA. He always unintentionally makes fun of it and thinks I'm just emotional and can't control it. He tries, but just doesn't understand. *I don't quit because I don't want him to think I'm lazy or didn't try. He always says just to suck it up and keep going. I try, but daily I have panic attacks at work. I come home and cry myself to sleep many nights because it is so hard to keep myself composed at work. In the hours before i leave for work, I'm constantly looking for excuses and running through scenarios in my head about quitting...I try to think of some story to make up for my boyfriend/family about me getting fired or let go...I try to think of anything I can in order to have an excuse to not go back to that place but not have my boyfriend/family know/be mad at me for quitting. Like right now, I'm anxious about work and trying to find an excuse to not go back there. I hate the kids belittling me and extorting my flaws. Its a person with SA's worst nightmare!!
MY QUESTIONS: Does anyone else work in a similar setting? If so, how do you handle your SA at work? Any tips/tricks? Is staying at this job doing me more harm than good?
Anyway, that's me. If you have any questions/comments/advice feel free. I'm looking forward to getting feedback from others with this disorder. It's time for me not to feel alone.
. and again, welcome to the forums!