Running out of class, now I know they think I've lost it.

[timidhorse]

I was in an anxious hurry today for my lab, that I totally forgot to read my syllabus. What happened? Well, let's say it wasn't exactly pretty. I walked into class, BAM! Everyone has their supplies and everything for lab today, but I didn't bring my stuff. So I casually sat down at my seat, looking around to see others' goods. So I look periodically down at my bag then at others bags, then I feel this sudden urge. Oh yes, the fight-or-flight urge I am most familiar with. Immediately, I scout out the nearest exist for my escape. The fastest obstacle of getting out that door into freedom. Deciding should I or shouldn't I? I take the plunge, I get up hesitantly at first and swiftly push my way through that door before role call was going to begin. I don't think my conscious was even working right, I hardly remember the visual. But I know for darn sure I did not look back, Oh no I did not want to see the horror on the many faces of those I had vanquished....I for them to witness the likely sheer horror on my face.

I know, I know. I went in the class thinking. Wow! I know someone will share their stuff with me. Oh, then I had second thoughts.... I know no one in there and people will start to think less of me. I am ALWAYS right about these things;I hate being embarrassed or judged harshly. I also don't want to be a burden on someone's stuff.

But I know definitely now I have caused a scene. I might as well drop all my classes as I attend them with the same people everyday of the week....It's insane! I can't show my face especially after walking into class then walking out like I did. I don't know why I even signed up for this program. The teacher probably believes I'm so very rude now or an utter complete mental case who doesn't belong to fill up a seat in this high-demand program. TO her I am an utter failure, loser, whatever negativity I can conjure up in my mind is most likely in hers.

SPW, I just needed to get this out to those who will understand. Thank you guys so dearly, this place is my only true home where I don't feel completely numb.

During the time I had walked out of class. I sat 20 feet from that class writing in my journal exactly what I put down here today. I made sure where I went after this event was a secluded place, for me to unwind. Though, at times people walked past me sitting on the ground next to a trash can in the corner.I did not brave to look up from my journal or Ipod to see who theses passerbys were. Though, one came out two times, guessing from the view of his feet to witness my mediocreness. Is that even a word?

Anyway, methinks they don't think I am all there and I guess you can say that is correct. Social isolation causes many psychological disorders. Yet, I haven't become a schizo....I wonder why?

 

[omnispace]

You have my sympathy. My only advice is to wait a few days before you decide to drop your classes. You might be feeling better than and decide you can still make it through, or at least you can make a more rational decision whether to drop.

 

[timidhorse]

You have my sympathy. My only advice is to wait a few days before you decide to drop your classes. You might be feeling better than and decide you can still make it through, or at least you can make a more rational decision whether to drop.

Thanks for the advice, gladly taken. I am going to think this through till the last day of the week, if it hasn't gotten better by then I'll drop on that date. I don't yet know how it will fly with the parents, I might just look into adding more online classes instead. My mother is becoming more understandable about my anxiousness, thank god I haven't told her about today.

 

[Ravens]

How did it go timidhorse?

I used to skip school a lot, which moved on into College and even at times into university. People couldn't understand why, my parents (before they knew) got so frustrated with me... wasn't like I was living it up or anything.
But it's really awkward explaining to people you know why you weren't there, constantly having to think up excuses. It sometimes made me want to quit it all together and never go back. But you work up the courage, you sit silently in class, let everyone do their own thing (most people don't care after all), try and find a place where you can see everyone but not everyone is facing you or behind you (I find that helps) and just try to relax, focus on the work.

It's funny though, no matter how often you force yourself into a situation, find that everything is actually OK, it never seems to program your mind for next time. I guess we just gotta keep doing it, and hope some day it will get naturally better.

 

[Phobologist]

Timid that wasn't as bad you imagine in your head. They probably figured you had something pressing to do. Try asking some random people on the internet hypothetically what they would think about that situation happening to a person, and you will see I am correct.

I remember how in High School during 10th grade I would become so depressed and enragd that by the time I got to 7th period I had to leave half-way through Spanish class at least twice a week because I was having thoughts of massacering the entire school. Brutal isn't it? See, it could be worse.