Room/Flat/Dormmates

Nooms

Nooms

Member
Hai there,

I was wondering how other's experiences have been living with someone who's a complete stranger to you. I currently share a flat with a classmate (did not know him before class started), one of those types who's seriously social, loves partying, hangs out with people 24/7, (also never cleans x)).

My own experience here is that I feel like this flat does not belong to me, and that I'm walking on eggshells (trying to avoid the flatmate at all costs). I always make sure I clean up after myself, basically not leaving a trace that I actually live here, just locking myself up in my room. I also do not dare ask him to clean up after himself every once in a while. Any other issue that's related to rent and whatever I also don't dare ask. The guy actually gave me a major panic attack as well when he did not pay his rent on time (we share the same bill) and we got a warning letter from the counsellor that if we wouldn't pay right away (even though I freaking paid on time ._.) they would get a lawyer and we'd have to go to court etc etc...

Lately, I have just been freaking out about what the flatmate thinks about me, seeing as I barely leave the house (and when I do I simply go out on my own). And then when I do tell myself that it does not matter what someone else thinks of me, I end up thinking I'm too lonely even for my own good and then I just go crazy. Ugh, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, but it sure feels good to share my craziness/anxiety/panicrambling/blabla

Does anyone simply have bad experiences with room or flatmates or something? Any tips on how to stop yourself from freaking out and panicking so much?

Yeah.. could just use some words of encouragement here I think :D
 
B

Buda

Well-known member
I shared my flat the last 5 years with almost 10 guys (we have 3 bedrooms), what I discovered it's that most people like there privacy and keep there time in the room....there were periods very though that I didn't see them for some days in a row, but we always get along even with so few contact.

Just don't run away from cross with them, there will be bad days...and will be times that a short talk will give you a feel belonging

The best for you!
 
Satori_lotus

Satori_lotus

Member
Hi, this will probably make me sound a tad crazy but I was actually happy to read your post lol because I feel like I can relate (although in different circumstance). I'm living with 3 other housemates at the moment, 2 who I've lived with for 3 years, so overtime I naturally relaxed mostly around them but my SA still hasn't fully disappeared.
I remember when I first moved in it was so bad to the point that I wished I wouldn't meet somebody in the hallway or kitchen when I did come out of my room. I was always terrified of accidentally offending someone as well like if I left my chore late one day :/ and I had many more paranoid thoughts to boot.
Anyway, I think the thing that's made me relax is just to realize that everyone else are people just like you; I know it sounds really simple but if you think that they are human and you can chat to them about any misunderstandings that might happen then it really helps to relate to them better
 
Biev

Biev

Well-known member
I've been jumping around from apartment to apartment for 17 years now and I've had all sorts of roommates, some of whom I got along with better than others. I've had an experience exactly like what you've described, and learned that it is important to speak to your roommate (at least hello, how's it going, bye) or things get very tense. Things that help :

- Hello (with a smile) / Hey. How's it going? <- important
- I'm going to watch (some movie), do you wanna join?
- I made (some food), you want some? <- super helpful!
- How was your day / night / weekend / party?
- Any plans for the weekend / some holiday? (then remember to ask how it went)

It's important to set up these bases before you can get to resolving issues. If most of your conversations are short, pleasant and not at all accusatory, it will be easier to bring up touchy subjects like rent and housework without it being scary for you both. Yes, when we avoid our roommates we make them feel really bad. They don't take it as "I intimidate her", they take it as "she doesn't like me / she's looking down on me".

Not leaving your room and not showing any trace that you live there is also confusing and somewhat insulting for the other person. Plus it will be hard for them to give you your space and show you that they respect you as a roommate if you leave them the whole space, so they may end up pushing you around without even noticing it. Here are some other things you can do to make things less awkward :

- Regularly doing some activity in the living room or some neutral space, and acknowledging his presence with a smile or a "hey" when he walks by
- Spending time outside of your room when he isn't home, so that you can be there to say hi and ask how he's doing / how his day was when he comes home
- Leaving at least one of your possessions in a shared area (this shows trust - if that's hard for you, pick something you don't even like)
- Leaving your bedroom door open most of the time
- Eating your meals at the table

Aside from that... It sucks, but when rent is late, you absolutely have to bring it up as early as you can. Same for any bills. The more you wait the scarier it becomes.

For housework, what I've found works is : The kitchen is a mess, how about I give you a hand and we'll get rid of all these dishes? or some other offer of collaboration. If you're on talking terms it will also be easier to ask for help with regular chores, eventually.

Finally, if you know someone in common, you could try asking that person for pointers on how to get along with your roommate. The pointers might not be helpful, but indirectly letting your roommate know that you want to get along with him by telling someone in the middle is very likely to help.

And if you think "I don't want to get along with him"... stop thinking that and give the guy a chance : )

Good luck! I hope the situation improves and you can feel more at home soon.
 
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