Revealing Your Life (or lack of it) To Others

[blackcap]

Does anyone here often get in the situation where you meet someone that you click with and maybe want to be friends with, but then get to the point where they start finding out about your lack of a social life?

It doesn't happen often - it's hard finding anybody I click with! - but at the moment I'm kinda in that situation. I've been chatting to a girl (via MSN, but we've met in person recently) in our company who works in another branch and we seem to get along pretty well. Thing is she's starting to find out how little I go out and socialise, and it's making me feel like a bit of a loser. I almost feel like not chatting to her anymore because I don't want her to find out anymore about me.

What do you do when you're getting to know someone and they ask you what you do in your weekends etc and you actually do nothing? Tell the truth? Make up stuff? Try and change the topic?

Any advice appreciated.

 

[Some_guy]

Some people would tell you to just be truthfull with her but we all know that it is not considered cool not to have an active social life. I'd be hiding if I were you but that's just me. As long as you don't do it in a nasty way it's ok.

 

[Xaviera_Hollander]

For my part, I have no qualms about telling people that I have little to no life, if the topic comes up. I'm not in the habit of advertising it. Why lie about it? Lying only digs you deeper when you try to manufacture a fake life.

As far as 'having no life' not being cool, yeah, the general public seems to think this but, as people get to know you, they're going to see this anyway, in one shape or form.

 

[blackcap]

Thanks for the replies. The thing is it definitely is pretty weird having no social life, especially for people who aren't aware of SA. I always feel that people either think I'm a weirdo with no friends, or that I can't be bothered putting in the effort to socialise. It's a bit of both I guess, and they both make me feel so bad about myself I just want to hide from people even more.

I suppose another option is to talk about my SA, but I've never done that with anyone IRL before. I just can't bring myself to do it, it feels like such a weakness, and people probably wouldn't understand anyway.

This sucks.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Hey its an interesting question.

I don't think anyone should feel bad for having a lack of social life, I mean I had such a great social life up until I graduated, I had lots of friends from school and college days, and then more friends from university. But when I moved back home I lost contact with almost all my uni mates, I still keep in touch with a couple but rarely see them. Then my friends from school/college days - well most never came back home. Those who did stay here have married, they have family even now and they are no longer interested in doing things with friends. I am 28 and most people are settling down now. Its a really tricky time to make new friendships where you would have a social life with these new friends as everyone my age seems to meet girlfriends/boyfriends and have great times together rather than hang around with friends.
So if you say a lot of your old friends have moved on or are married or have family and you don't meet up as often, then I think that is very understandable.

The thing is my social life is non existant and I worry people may think I am boring that I don't do much fun, but the truth is that I am loads of fun and wish to be doing so much, I love happy fun times, I would love to be meeting friends or meet a girlfriend and go to restaurants, would love to be with people I like and chat over drinks, I would love to go to concerts, I would love to go to cinema, go bowling, have bbqs in the summer, go for days out to different places, go for walks in the countryside, have picnics, go to sports events, go for weekends away, go on holidays, have nights in, just have nice chats. I love doing all that but how much fun can you have doing such things by yourself?

So, when people ask what I do at weekends I usually lie and just say I went round a friend's house, went to the pub to watch the football and have some drinks, etc, etc.

Don't let people get the impression you are boring and you don't want to do anything, you never know - if you said the above that you love doing things but you don't get as much chance these days to do these things with friends as they all have their own lifes and families, etc - maybe she will want to do something with you.

Its actually a really good conversation topic, she will surely have experiences to where she has drifted away from old friends. That is the way life is. But shouldn't feel bad that your social life is not happening. I met my sister's boyfriend for the first time in the summer. He was such a nice chap. And he said that he had no mates left in the city they lived in other than my sister as everyone moved away from the city after university, which was one reason they decided to move on. I think the answer to get a social life happening when you are in your 20s or 30s or older is to meet someone. When I see my sister, she has some good friends back here, but not many elsewhere as everyone has moved their seperate ways, her social life was not much fun until she met her bf. Now they do everything fun you can imagine. I really hope I meet someone too.

 

[blackcap]

Great post charlie, and thanks for the advice.

I know what you mean about wanting to do things but not doing them alone. I have had opportunities to do things, but what usually stops me is that they involve more than just the person that I'm friends with. All I want is one or two close friends to do stuff with, but whenever I get invited anywhere (which doesn't happen much nowadays) it's always to a dinner or party or somewhere with other people, and I just can't enjoy myself in that situation (I've tried, I just can't relax when around new people).

Yes I could use the 'friends moved away/too busy' excuse, but of course the standard response to that is 'meet new friends, join a club, etc', or maybe they will invite me to do stuff with their friends, neither of which I can really do because of the SA.

I just wanna meet someone who wants to do stuff with me and me alone!

 

[Vincent]

flighting naked

Hey,

I feel for you. but you know what? I put it out there to people I meet and read may be sympathetic. If I judge wrongly, then fuck it, also, if they deem it outside who they want in their circles then thats what it is.

Seriously, you simply can't get to know anyone properly without letting them into this side of your life,....SAD. It is all encompassing and your life will not stack up without an explanation. It affects all, beyond social life, its also career, health, everything, unless of course you prefer an anti social job. But regardless. It has to be said. The feeling of release that its out there. Plus, why be ashamed of a disability? Who would cast stones at a paraplegic going for it despite limitations? Thats what we are doing every time we put ourselves out there. Congratulate yourself for brave steps.

Everyone close to me has this inherent knowledge, or else I cant relax around them, they are not inside my circle. Which is why you were saying about dining with new people, they don't know this....

Anyway, I don't see there is any option unless your life is less wasted by SA than mine.

Good luck

 

[COALPORTER]

Yea, Blackcap, I've always been like this to. This is probably because I was an outcast in school and never part of the "in crowd" so this made me feel like a loser. I though you had to be real cool and outgoing for people to like you. Forget about that !!The best thing is to be honest with yourself and other people. I had a teacher in high school tell me you are lucky if they have one or two really good friends when you become an adult. Most people don't have any good true friends. Most people really don't have that much of a social life. Since we have SAD, we assume everyone else has a tons of friends and goes out to partys all the time.

Don't wait until you get older to work on this problem. And yes, if you do have a chance to meet new people, don't be afraid to tell them. You'll be surprises at how many people will want to help you. Don't dwell on the idea that you have no social life, chances are this girl you talk to at work may not either...maybe she is just as board as you are...maybe she likes you and won't even wonder such things.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Great post charlie, and thanks for the advice.

I know what you mean about wanting to do things but not doing them alone. I have had opportunities to do things, but what usually stops me is that they involve more than just the person that I'm friends with. All I want is one or two close friends to do stuff with, but whenever I get invited anywhere (which doesn't happen much nowadays) it's always to a dinner or party or somewhere with other people, and I just can't enjoy myself in that situation (I've tried, I just can't relax when around new people).

Yes I could use the 'friends moved away/too busy' excuse, but of course the standard response to that is 'meet new friends, join a club, etc', or maybe they will invite me to do stuff with their friends, neither of which I can really do because of the SA.

I just wanna meet someone who wants to do stuff with me and me alone!

That is such a good post. I was invited recently by an old uni friend to go and watch a football game and then have a night out drinking and have a good time. I really wanted to do it and said I would go, but then the day before he said two of his mates who I never met before were coming as well. That really turned me off going, not purely because I didn't want to meet two new people who I will probably never see again which seemed like a bit awkward (but it was half the reason), but I just felt I wanted to have a good time with my good friend and catch up, I just didn't feel it be a good chance to catch up if there were two other people about. So I just didn't go in the end. I was gutted. I would love to have people in my life who I really like and can do the things I enjoy doing with, I would love a social life again and feel excited about weekends and what cool things I will be up to. I don't think I should for one moment think bad that I have no real close friends locally any more or a girlfriend to do any of that with, I believe a lot of people who was in my situation would have had the same outcome. But I can totally understand why you feel you may be judged negatively for this. But there are loads of people in the same situation.

You seem a really nice person and I am sure you would be a great friend to have good fun exciting times with. But if you are in your 20s it will be hard to meet friends to have a social life with. Most people do meet their best friends in their time in education.

I must be honest and say I spend lots of my free time trying to work on overcoming SA, I feel SA holds me back a lot. Also I feel that doesn't make me feel I am wasting time.

The standard response you say of 'Join a club and meet new friends' annoys me. What sort of club can you join when you are in your 20s where there are people you want to meet? I really don't know, most people in their 20s have so much happening in their lives that they don't have time for clubs. A person at work said to me 'Go down your local pub each night and just try and get chatting with people'. But I don't want to do that. When I go in a pub, the only people by themselves do not look like the sort of cool people I want to meet. I couldn't think of anything worse than being in a pub by myself on an evening or weekend.

To be honest I have written off finding a social life via meeting new friends now. If you do meet any friends at work who you really get on with and like them as a friend, then you should try developing a friendship out of work. But I feel if I meet a girlfriend my social life would be excellent, everyone else my age seems to do everything fun with their girlfriends, partners, etc.

Its a tricky one black cap. I think you should mix the truth that you have drifted away from your best friends because they have moved on with making up that you do have a small social life. You don't have to make out its non stop madi gras, just say you been to a friend's house, gone for drinks, small things that people aren't going to question - i.e. if you said you went to concerts or to the cinema then people will ask lots about that.

What do you think is your next step? Any ideas how to meet the people you wish to meet?

 

[DYiNG-iNSiDE]

haha yah like my best friend now when i first met her the 1st day of school she could tell i was nervous ((i was new)) and she told me she could tell i was gonna have tons of friends once i got 2 kno evry1,, now its 5 months later and shes still my only 1!

 

[flake]

Well personally I avoid this kind of situation at present, but when you try to rationalize it, it kind of becomes clear..

You either be honest and tell the truth, or you attempt to cover it up.

If you be honest she will either be understanding or she will make excuses and go away. If she makes excuses and disappears then she isn't the girl for you, but if she is understanding and willing to help then bingo you don't have to be all awkward and anxious that she is on to you as it will all be out in the open. Wait for what you think is the right moment to say something. You don't have to do it straight away of course, wait until you think its the right moment. You also mentionned that she is beginning to learn about your lack of a social life - yet she is still interested, maybe a sign that she would take your revelation well.

The alternative, covering it up, is tricky and it is what people in our situation will automatically try to do (avoidance). You will remain anxious and nervous that she is suspicious of you, it will be on your mind every time you speak, every time you meet and ultimatley, if indeed she IS the one, you will have to tell the truth anyway. Bottom line is it will imo amplify the anxiety.

Personally even though I know this I chose the hard way and I still am, once you go down the avoidance route its so SO hard to get out of it. Don't make the same mistake :/

 

[Thelema]

I've only told one person in my whole life and guess what? She has anxiety all the time she says. This very morning I woke up to her on yahoo saying she was too scared to go to work because people would be there(first day). She wanted my help BECAUSE I had social anxiety. She ended up being too scared and I told her to call in sick. I told her it was exactly the same for me the first day of high school and I ended up too scared the first day to go but the second day I did.

I think if you tell a close friend you have social anxiety it will only bring you closer to them.

 

[blackcap]

That is such a good post. I was invited recently by an old uni friend to go and watch a football game and then have a night out drinking and have a good time. I really wanted to do it and said I would go, but then the day before he said two of his mates who I never met before were coming as well. That really turned me off going,

Yeah this is precisely the sort of situation I try and avoid! It's amazing how much I can go from looking forward to something, to dreading it, all because of a few people I don't know very well (or at all). That is the key to my SA, a fear of strangers.

You seem a really nice person and I am sure you would be a great friend to have good fun exciting times with. But if you are in your 20s it

In my 20's, I wish! I'm 34 :-(

What do you think is your next step? Any ideas how to meet the people you wish to meet?

No idea. My only chance is through work, and I have met a few people through work that I get on pretty well with, but I tend to keep my distance. At the moment I just don't see the point in getting too close to anyone because if I do they might invite me to things involving other people, and I'll have to turn them down because of my fear. I just can't see myself forming a close friendship because of that. And at the moment I just don't think I could reveal my SA to them, as others have suggested. I know it makes sense to do so, but I cringe at the thought. I guess it's the old stigma with mental illnesses.

 

[blackcap]

Re: flighting naked

Seriously, you simply can't get to know anyone properly without letting them into this side of your life,....SAD. It is all encompassing and your life will not stack up without an explanation. It affects all, beyond social life, its also career, health, everything, unless of course you prefer an anti social job. But regardless. It has to be said. The feeling of release that its out there. Plus, why be ashamed of a disability?

Thanks Vincent, I know what you say makes sense, but for some reason I just can't imagine telling someone about my SA. Maybe it's something I can work on.

How do you go about doing it? What would an example conversation between you and a potential friend go?

 

[blackcap]

If you be honest she will either be understanding or she will make excuses and go away. If she makes excuses and disappears then she isn't the girl for you, but if she is understanding and willing to help then bingo you don't have to be all awkward and anxious that she is on to you as it will all be out in the open.

That's the thing - I think if I revealed it then I would be more self-conscious afterwards. I know you're right in saying that hiding it isn't the way to go either. I don't know, I'll see how things go.

 

[jayo]

Clubs

Hi

You ask what sort of clubs to join?

Cycling, hiking, scuba diving, football etc etc

And yes - there are loads of people in their 20s an 30s involved in these things on a Sat or Sun morning!

Beats moping around the house on a weekend doesn't it?

 

[blackcap]

Re: Clubs

You ask what sort of clubs to join?

Cycling, hiking, scuba diving, football etc etc

Actually I did belong to a sports club for a few years - not to meet friends but because I enjoyed the sport. I met a few guys there that I got along with, and sure enough one of them invited me for an outing with his mates once, and I turned him down. I just can't get past this fear of meeting new people.