Relationship troubles?

[BeautifulDisaster83]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to bring up a topic that I have been having some issues with. I'm dating this guy, he's great, he's pretty much everything I am looking for in a relationship partner, but as we are starting to get closer, I'm starting to shy away. I have a REALLY hard time in relationships. I haven't been in one since 2006, and that one ended pretty much because he felt that I had a fear of intimacy. Honestly, there is no reason I should be shying away from this guy, but I am. I don't want to screw up another relationship, I would love to get married one of these days. I want to bring this up with him and let him know that I have a hard time with relationships, but of course I'm too shy/scared to do that, because of the constant worry that he will think I'm weird or crazy or something. I am also a virgin, and we haven't talked about that yet, but I know it's going to come up soon, and that terrifies me, because I know he is going to want to, and I'm not even close to being ready for that. So I'm dreading that conversation, because I know it will be hard, and I'm always afraid that it's going to cause a problem. So yeah basically, I'm having a hard time opening up in this relationship, and looking back, it's been the problem in all my past relationships. I think that all this time I've been thinking there's something wrong with the guys, but really, it's me! I know that my communication problems have taken quite the toll on my dating life, and it sucks. Funny thing is, I'm a social worker. Funny job for someone who has a hard time talking to people! My anxiety has just been really high lately, even starting to affect my job a little. I am also starting to get anxious because I'm starting grad school in the fall, which means all new people to meet...kind of scary for me. I've never tried medication for anxiety, but I'm wondering if it would indeed help me, I feel that I really need to change, I just wish I knew what was causing me to have these problems opening up to the guy in my relationship! Why can't I just talk to him like a normal person? I have no problems at all talking to my friends about this, why do I have so many relationship problems? Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

 

[danstelter]

I don't want to screw up another relationship, I would love to get married one of these days. I want to bring this up with him and let him know that I have a hard time with relationships, but of course I'm too shy/scared to do that, because of the constant worry that he will think I'm weird or crazy or something. I am also a virgin, and we haven't talked about that yet, but I know it's going to come up soon, and that terrifies me, because I know he is going to want to, and I'm not even close to being ready for that. So I'm dreading that conversation, because I know it will be hard, and I'm always afraid that it's going to cause a problem.

Your analysis of your situation is astute and it seems to be accurate. If you don't talk about things, you can be assured that you will stay in the same relationship pattern that you are in, one that is not satisfying for you. Talk to him about these things, and if he is the right guy, he will stick with you, but if he is the wrong guy, you will find someone else who is right. It's up to you to decide what to do, but pretending that something is okay when it's not, like if you had sex when you didn't want to, or not talking about other things that are bothering, you, as you know, is not a good thing and it will make life hard for you. So, open up to him and see how he reacts. Part of living life is taking smart risks, and this is a smart one to take in your case.

 

[gio289]

Your analysis of your situation is astute and it seems to be accurate. If you don't talk about things, you can be assured that you will stay in the same relationship pattern that you are in, one that is not satisfying for you. Talk to him about these things, and if he is the right guy, he will stick with you, but if he is the wrong guy, you will find someone else who is right. It's up to you to decide what to do, but pretending that something is okay when it's not, like if you had sex when you didn't want to, or not talking about other things that are bothering, you, as you know, is not a good thing and it will make life hard for you. So, open up to him and see how he reacts. Part of living life is taking smart risks, and this is a smart one to take in your case.

very true danstelter, cudnt have said it better. When he understands, which im sure he will, then u will know if he's the right one. good luck!!

 

[zofia-life-coach]

Regarding sleeping with him; When you talk to him you dont have to apologise, accept yourself and take as long as you wont to be ready. If he likes you he is going to wait, Dont send this wibe that there is something wrong with you.

 

[Satine]

Relationship anxiety can be really tough and you're experiencing it right now. But one thing that might help: write down each individual thing that worries you, ie., looking crazy, losing your virginity, etc., and write down under it what exactly worries you about each, what you're afraid will happen as a result of them. You might notice that some of these problems you end up writing down are things you can solve.

That should reduce the number and magnitude of problems you're facing at this moment in time.