Auburn
Active member
I've had one of those days where everything has just been slowly piling up. And then suddenly it hits me how much stress or frustration etc has been happening and I end up getting too deep into my thoughts and feeling pretty crappy for a while.
Each section/paragraph thing is a separate thought.
My mum's been in hospital in and out due to having a gallstone lodged and after two attempts they haven't been able to remove it. So they're referring her to another hospital over an hour away.
Anyway while this has been going on I have been forced to play the roll of "mother". I take care of my 10 year old autistic brother and little sister, I make dinner for everyone including my two older brothers, travel to and from the hospital by bus, and care for my disabled dad. And not to mention the typical house chores. Now I don't exactly mind doing these things, I've got nothing better to do being as I'm not in college, but they expect so much more than what my mum already does in the first place. Then treat me like crap if I forget to do one stupid simple thing. As I said, I have 2 older brothers, and they have been doing absolutely nothing to help. This is not much surprise as they can be complete ****s, but it still doesn't help the overwhelming amount of pressure of caring for 7 people including myself.
On the 15th it was my 17th birthday. As usual we didn't celebrate it. But it wasn't like last year when my parents disappeared and when they finally came home they were drunk and turned out that they had been gambling. Anyway, I have a couple online friends whom I've been speaking to for quite a while now and they were fully aware of my birthday. Well I was skyping with them on my birthday and we went onto our minecraft server and they kept telling me to go to where they were. I knew instantly why. They had set up something to celebrate my birthday. And I don't know what, but something clicked and I didn't and couldn't go. I started crying (but I kept holding my breath and trying not to because I never wanted to cry in front of them) and I just exited the game. Like I don't know what happened! I went dead quiet and the temptation to quit the skype and walk away was there.
Nice things don't happen to me, they are non existent or always go wrong in some way. I didn't know how on earth to deal with myself. I was a complete mess! I had an anxiety attack and all my thoughts were scrambled. It took a good half an hour for them to talk me into logging on again and taking a look. I stayed quiet the whole time, but I appreciated and loved it so much. They had made a minecraft birthday party and it was the most amazing things. I'm not kidding when I say it was the kindest and nicest most precious thing that has ever been done for me.
When I was around 12 years old my mum came into my room and asked me a random question, "what would you do if me an your dad got a divorce". I was so taken back. But at the same time it was something I've been wanting to happen for the longest time.
My dad used to abuse me both physically and mentally (and was still happening when I was 12). To which it's on mental abuse nowa days.
All I replied to my mum was I'm not sure. On one hand I was like yes, maybe things will get better. Then on the other I was terrified because what if he found out I had said yes.
The next day she took me out shopping and there... there I met the guy she had been hanging out with for a few weeks. He was nice, like really nice! And I was already mentally preparing myself to moving out with my mum to live with him. I only had that one meeting with him and my mum and that was the last I heard about him for a week or so.
Then one evening my bedroom window was wide open and I heard my parents talking and as clear as day my mum said "-my name- says we should get a divorce" My heart stopped and everything came crashing down. My dads reply was completely neutral, but only a couple minutes later he was storming upstairs into my room and hit me and disowned me then and there. My whole family ignored me for days after. Forgetting I existed and getting pretty neglected.
In the end they didn't get divorced. I'm not sure the reasons but it was something along the lines of "for the kids sake". Yeah sure...
To this day I'm still blamed for it and yeah.
I'm scared what I'm going to do with college. I want to go back! I want to learn and get the job I want. But I'm terrified and I'm not sure how to stop.
My mums a compulsive liar. She lies about the smallest and most pathetic things sometimes.
She steals our money and spends it on expensive clothes and shoes that never see the light of day.
We recently got in contact with my 3 half brothers around 3 years ago. We haven't spoken in ages and I'm afraid that they are fading away. I'm not sure what to even say to them, we have stuff in common here and there. But still what am I supposed to say to them. Our previous facebook messages or texts consist of the typical "hi, how are you, what you up to, bye" that's it, nothing more. And I don't want that, I want to have chats like I do with my sister. But I think they're rather serious people compared to my hyper activity (Though I can't show it or actually be myself all the time with my SA *sigh*). I would do anything to be close with my half brothers! Anything! I just don't know how.
I forgot to mention that my dad has some dementia... and can't remember ever being violent to me ever. It's just insults here and there and showing me that I'm not good enough.
But every now and then he's pretty cool I suppose. I get my humour from him (which he's almost lost but it shows glimpses every now and then, which makes him actually a really nice person). But it's just a flipped switch and he's back to being an a**.
But you can't choose your family I suppose.
And once I get over my fear of college or school in general, and get a job. I'll be leaving this place soon enough.
It's 2:30am for me. I'm bad at explaining me thoughts (How can I get rid of this!? I want to be able to understand my thoughts and put it on paper! It's so frustrating that I can't). I had a bad day. And these stupid mess of rants sometimes make me feel a bit better. So there's my explanation for a poorly constructed... mess.
Each section/paragraph thing is a separate thought.
My mum's been in hospital in and out due to having a gallstone lodged and after two attempts they haven't been able to remove it. So they're referring her to another hospital over an hour away.
Anyway while this has been going on I have been forced to play the roll of "mother". I take care of my 10 year old autistic brother and little sister, I make dinner for everyone including my two older brothers, travel to and from the hospital by bus, and care for my disabled dad. And not to mention the typical house chores. Now I don't exactly mind doing these things, I've got nothing better to do being as I'm not in college, but they expect so much more than what my mum already does in the first place. Then treat me like crap if I forget to do one stupid simple thing. As I said, I have 2 older brothers, and they have been doing absolutely nothing to help. This is not much surprise as they can be complete ****s, but it still doesn't help the overwhelming amount of pressure of caring for 7 people including myself.
On the 15th it was my 17th birthday. As usual we didn't celebrate it. But it wasn't like last year when my parents disappeared and when they finally came home they were drunk and turned out that they had been gambling. Anyway, I have a couple online friends whom I've been speaking to for quite a while now and they were fully aware of my birthday. Well I was skyping with them on my birthday and we went onto our minecraft server and they kept telling me to go to where they were. I knew instantly why. They had set up something to celebrate my birthday. And I don't know what, but something clicked and I didn't and couldn't go. I started crying (but I kept holding my breath and trying not to because I never wanted to cry in front of them) and I just exited the game. Like I don't know what happened! I went dead quiet and the temptation to quit the skype and walk away was there.
Nice things don't happen to me, they are non existent or always go wrong in some way. I didn't know how on earth to deal with myself. I was a complete mess! I had an anxiety attack and all my thoughts were scrambled. It took a good half an hour for them to talk me into logging on again and taking a look. I stayed quiet the whole time, but I appreciated and loved it so much. They had made a minecraft birthday party and it was the most amazing things. I'm not kidding when I say it was the kindest and nicest most precious thing that has ever been done for me.
When I was around 12 years old my mum came into my room and asked me a random question, "what would you do if me an your dad got a divorce". I was so taken back. But at the same time it was something I've been wanting to happen for the longest time.
My dad used to abuse me both physically and mentally (and was still happening when I was 12). To which it's on mental abuse nowa days.
All I replied to my mum was I'm not sure. On one hand I was like yes, maybe things will get better. Then on the other I was terrified because what if he found out I had said yes.
The next day she took me out shopping and there... there I met the guy she had been hanging out with for a few weeks. He was nice, like really nice! And I was already mentally preparing myself to moving out with my mum to live with him. I only had that one meeting with him and my mum and that was the last I heard about him for a week or so.
Then one evening my bedroom window was wide open and I heard my parents talking and as clear as day my mum said "-my name- says we should get a divorce" My heart stopped and everything came crashing down. My dads reply was completely neutral, but only a couple minutes later he was storming upstairs into my room and hit me and disowned me then and there. My whole family ignored me for days after. Forgetting I existed and getting pretty neglected.
In the end they didn't get divorced. I'm not sure the reasons but it was something along the lines of "for the kids sake". Yeah sure...
To this day I'm still blamed for it and yeah.
I'm scared what I'm going to do with college. I want to go back! I want to learn and get the job I want. But I'm terrified and I'm not sure how to stop.
My mums a compulsive liar. She lies about the smallest and most pathetic things sometimes.
She steals our money and spends it on expensive clothes and shoes that never see the light of day.
We recently got in contact with my 3 half brothers around 3 years ago. We haven't spoken in ages and I'm afraid that they are fading away. I'm not sure what to even say to them, we have stuff in common here and there. But still what am I supposed to say to them. Our previous facebook messages or texts consist of the typical "hi, how are you, what you up to, bye" that's it, nothing more. And I don't want that, I want to have chats like I do with my sister. But I think they're rather serious people compared to my hyper activity (Though I can't show it or actually be myself all the time with my SA *sigh*). I would do anything to be close with my half brothers! Anything! I just don't know how.
I forgot to mention that my dad has some dementia... and can't remember ever being violent to me ever. It's just insults here and there and showing me that I'm not good enough.
But every now and then he's pretty cool I suppose. I get my humour from him (which he's almost lost but it shows glimpses every now and then, which makes him actually a really nice person). But it's just a flipped switch and he's back to being an a**.
But you can't choose your family I suppose.
And once I get over my fear of college or school in general, and get a job. I'll be leaving this place soon enough.
It's 2:30am for me. I'm bad at explaining me thoughts (How can I get rid of this!? I want to be able to understand my thoughts and put it on paper! It's so frustrating that I can't). I had a bad day. And these stupid mess of rants sometimes make me feel a bit better. So there's my explanation for a poorly constructed... mess.