Questions for Parents who are SP

[ScaredGirl]

Do you get scared your kids will get it from you? Some days I'm so afraid that will happen I shake inside.

SG

 

[GettingThere]

I am not a parent but I have been around long enough to have drawn some - in my opinion - firm conclusions in relation to this matter.

There is clearly an element of genetics involved but this is a minor aspect in the development of the problem. If you raise your child with appropriate support to ensure that he/she has a healthy self-image then the child will not develop the problem. Another pitfall to avoid is overmothering. By this I mean being overly protective because this is something which is more often than not an element in the development of the condition.

 

[Remus]

My daughter seems abit SA, she's shy and blushes, not as bad as I was at her age, so I've got my fingers crossed X

 

[ScaredGirl]

I've have actively encouraged my child to have friends but it seems that my relationship with the moms always tends to interfere with that. They let their kids play with mine until they meet me, then they back off - I think my nervousnes scares them. Luckily there are some moms who like and care for my kid enough to overlook my idiosincrisies (sp?) so she does have friends, but the kids that she ends up playing with are not necessarily her first choice. :-( I blame myself and my SP for this.

As for overparenting, yup, I'm in that category because I worry that she will be rejected like I was and know the pain of isolation. :-(


SG

 

[racheH]

As for overparenting, yup, I'm in that category because I worry that she will be rejected like I was and know the pain of isolation.

If I were you that's just what I'd be trying to avoid. Not trying to scare you, but I think that my phobia started when I read signals from my mum that being rejected is bad. The aspects of it I'm so far aware of are that she herself avoided any confrontation (she's since reassured me that in fact she just finds arguments boring and would rather give in and get on with the job, but I misread that as fear) and that she discouraged me from standing up to people, while trying hard not to upset kids who wound me up. Apart from convincing me wrongly that disapproval is something dangerous and therefore scary, this also gave me a sense of being inferior or just different to other people. She probably thought she was being kind or maybe she wanted me to stay her baby for longer, but not letting me dress or look after myself long after other children do, also decreased my confidence and self-esteem because I thought that she thought I was incapable. Young children will believe anything that they think their elders believe. Not anything their elders say, but anything that they seem to believe or feel.

If I may offer some advice: Rather than trying to prevent her from getting rejected at all, it might be more helpful to encourage her to get used to it and know that it is part of socialising that happens to everyone, and that it tells you only about the person doing the rejecting, not the person rejected. Teach her to laugh at it! I now find few things funnier than the face of someone who's just realised how weird I really can be, especially when there's some real animosity or disdain in there too! :lol:
Hope that helps

 

[ScaredGirl]

Dear RacheH,

My husband has been very helpful when I overparent - he steps in and tells me to 'stop that' So.... our daughter has been taught to stand up for herself by my husband and is able to do so effectively and without guilt. She's actually doing really well - it's just my own irrational and unfounded fears that sneek in sometimes.

Your story is much like my own, my mom wouldn't let me do anything, or say no to anyone, so I did not develop confidence and feared everyone because I hadn't developed the skills to handle myself. It's got a lot better as I have aged and had to do stand up whether I wanted to or not.

One particular incidence forced me to grow a LOT - I stood up to another mother in order to protect my child (her children were the schoolyard and neighborhood bullies because she believed 'boys will be boys' and so ok for them to run four year old girls over with their bikes - while she watched no less!). I told her that if she didn't tell them to stop - I would. She didn't, so she got a dose of my mommy-hormones. :twisted: The for Sale sign went up shortly after that.

 

[ScaredGirl]

I should clarify, HER 'for sale' sign went up shortly after that.

 

[racheH]

Oh good, that's cool :wink:

 

[still-in-my-shell]

My son is the opposite of me -personality wise- and even though he is talkative and outgoing, he does pick up on my nervousness and unwillingness to try things he's afraid of. Kids REALLY pick up everything you are feeling, even when you don't vocalize it.

 

[blue]

i worry that my little girl will develop sp, she is very slightly shy, im just worried that she will pick up on my nerves when we have visitors and when we are around the other mums, im terrified of embarresing her aswell.
the thing that terrifies me the most is that she and my son will grow up hating me for being so weak

 

[blue]

i worry that my little girl will develop sp, she is very slightly shy, im just worried that she will pick up on my nerves when we have visitors and when we are around the other mums, im terrified of embarresing her aswell.
the thing that terrifies me the most is that she and my son will grow up hating me for being so weak

 

[sg_lfw]

Yep I worry about it too. I pretty much feel like an awful parent and wonder just what bad influences they are picking up off me. My 3 year old seems extremely confident though. She has no fear of walking up to strangers and handing them toys, or playing with other children. She has her problems (she still isn't talking very well and she won't potty train at all, she's constantly on the go and getting into trouble, lots of extreme temper tantrums) but I don't think she's SA or about to become so. I think my husband might be a good influence there too. He's very extrovert - he doesn't understand at all what I'm trying to tell him about how I feel, but at least my children have him as an influence too.

My 8 year old, well I have worried about her occasionally. I don't think she's SA I think it's something else, because she doesn't seem to mind drawing attention to herself in social situations, even when that's bad attention, whereas I'd rather shrivel up and die than be noticed at all! For instance, we took her to the dentist this morning. I was feeling bad that she was picking up SA from me because she was crying and being sad, panicking and generally trying to get out of going, even though what she was going for was something she had had done before and wasn't painful and she knew that. However, I think it's something different than SA because when she got there she threw a huge tantrum, wouldn't let them do the work and in the end they gave up and we left. I think if she was really SA at all she would have sat there and let them do the work rather than kick up a fuss!

(Incidentally I plucked up the courage to go too, with my daughters and my husband - wish I hadn't. The dentist at one point ordered me out of the room really rudely cos 'she was worse since I got here' and I've felt awful ever since)

 

[still-in-my-shell]

Blue- don't feel like your children will think you are weak- kids are smart and sensitive enough to know that there is alot of personal strength in someone who has to face their worst fears every single day!

 

[blue]

Blue- don't feel like your children will think you are weak- kids are smart and sensitive enough to know that there is alot of personal strength in someone who has to face their worst fears every single day!

thank you, its so nice to hear something possitive. Like sg-lfw i have an extrovert partner who, despite all my tearful efforts to explain to him how i feel does not truely and will never fully understand atleast my kids have one parent who isnt too scared to take them to a kids birthday party!!!